LAWL

LAWLiday 2011

2011-05-15T01:03:00.006-04:00

LAWLiday 2011 - Cinco de LAWLo

"Jingle LAWLs, Jingle LAWLs
My brain is not quite right.
I keep writing crazy shows
that keep me up all niii-ght!!

Jingle LAWLs, Jingle LAWLs,
This event is just a ruse.
While you're reading all these words,
I'm stuffing your stocking full of Goose!"

LAWliday starts with a bunch of young children walking onto the entrance ramp and caroling the audience while wearing festive vegetable and fruit related holiday clothing. Their carols involve such favorites as: "Harvest Night", "Three wise potatoes," "Banana of the Lord", "Let us Hoe", (the clean versions of the previous two) and "Wrestling with a wintery WonderLAWL." After they are done singing, LLAMA Mask joins them with some llama noises, which quickly sends them running back in fear to their concerned parents. Pinata Mask comes out next to join LLAMA, her HomeLAWL Security ally.

Luckily, the children picked a good time to return to the crowd as the very dangerous Lady Ayamarca makes her way to the ring while LLAMA and Pinata walk around on the floor eliciting support (a.k.a. "horrible screams") from the fans. We saw Ayamarca jump LLAMA Mask at HaLAWLoween and we still don't quite know why she did it or who she is. But she seems to have some issues (besides the obvious ones that would have her appear on this show) with LAWL's resident LLAMA and now we will see how they are resolved.

Match 1: LLAMA Mask vs. Lady Ayamarca

*CLICK the "show" BELOW for ACTUAL WRITE-UP MATCH.*

Spoiler show: Ayamarca is in the ring, talking to herself and pacing restlessly back and forth wth her eyes fixed on the entrance ramp. LLAMA enters, and two steps behind her Piñata Mask follows, sturdy stick in hand. LLAMA Mask enters the ring, while Piñata Mask waits on the apron. LLAMA Mask and Ayamarca square off in the centre of the ring before Tilda sends them to their corners and calls for the bell...

DING-DING-THWOCK!

Wait, "thwock"?

As Tilda turned her back to call for the bell, Piñata Mask struck her partner over the back of the head with her stick, followed by a big overhead swing right to the skull. Tilda turns around, sees a fallen LLAMA, Piñata Mask leaning over the ropes to swing at her fallen (ex-?)partner, and in a panic calls for the bell again.

Llama Mask groggily gets to its feet and turns to grab Piñata Mask, only to be hit from behind with Ayamarca's poison rana. Piñata climbs the ropes as Ayamarca rolls Llama over in the middle of the ring, holding her legs as Piñata comes of the top turnbuckle, thrusting the end of her club straight into Llama's chest.

Security and medics swarm the ring and cluster around LLama Mask as its atackers roll out of the ring and back up the ramp. They pause at the top and turn to face each other, foreheads touching as Ayamarca seems to be talking to Piñata Mask.

LLAMA Mask (-) [No Contest - 00:02] (-) Lady Ayamarca

Next up we have a very anticipated match between one of LAWL's newest and oldest teams. But even though the REYES UP! pairing of Marie and Grace Reyes are a new partnership in ring, they are sisters and two of the most successful wrestlers on the roster. Marie is a former OMG and A/S/L Tag Champ while Grace had a very impressive 1337 Title reign. While they are still working on repairing their friendship from the past few years, its clear that their emotional bond is the ends and their tag team participation is the means.

However they are up against Grace's old LMAO allies and former A/S/L Champions. The LAWLunkaloompas were defeated by the current Champions, Jacquelyn Archer and Angelica Hyde, but had a very impressive and scary Title run themselves. While Marie and Grace share a sisterly bond, its possible the Loompa bond is even closer: One of cellular mitosis on a psychic or molecuLAWLer level. Dr. Molly Cule of OG-Joshi could not be reached to comment on this (and when she finally was reached, had very unkind things to say about Ruby Moreno which were edited out of the show) but the LAWL scientician said its true and science works in mysterious ways.

Reyes UP! come to the ring first to a lot of applause although some of the fans look a bit leery at Grace, perhaps not fully accepting her yet. When the Loompas come out wearing assorted Xmas lights all over them, the audience is not pleased. After the ref helps untangle the Loompas, which takes a good twenty minutes plus a mini intermission, the match finally starts.

Match 2: REYES UP! vs. LAWLunkaloompas

Marie/Grace Reyes vs. Loompa 1 and 2

CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE MATCH!!!!!!

*POST MATCH SPOILERS - CLICK the "show" BELOW*

Spoiler show: The crowd is shocked that REYES UP! has lost yet another match. But you have to give the Loompas credit for wrestling to their highest capacity and putting the battle away in such impressive fashion. However, this does not look to be the end of the encounter.

Marie/Grace (X) ["Candyloompa Splash" - 25:22] (O) Loompa 1/Loompa 2

Loompa 2 starts to attack Marie but Grace has already gotten a chair from the outside and starts swinging it at both Loompas causing Loompa 2 to bail out. Loompa 1 also tries to exit the ring but in her rush, trips over the Xmas lights on the apron and appears to have hurt her ankle. She is laying prone on the mat as a look of revenge appears on Grace's face while she holds her chair up high. But then she looks at Marie's sympathetic expression and hears her plea for peace and drops the chair, deciding not to attack the downed Loompa. Marie runs to hug Grace and the two leave to applause while Loompa 2 picks up Loompa 1 and carries her to the back.

'Dies Irae' starts to play on the speakers as the arena is bathed in a golden light. A choir even comes out to sing along. Then OG-Joshi World Champion Ruby Moreno makes her grand entrance wearing a white robe with gold trim. She has a look of total calm and barely acknowledges the fans as she walks to the ring to grab a microphone.

[Ruby:] "This is a special night. I want you all to enjoy and absorb its meaning with the entirety of your senses. Its aroma is that of destiny. However, like any good cuisine, it took ample preparation by an expert chef. Ever since HaLAWLoween, I had planned on returning here tonight with a renewed purpose. But due to OG-Joshi's 'frenetic' schedule, I had to work with LAWL management to ensure that this show occurred at the proper time. I lament that tonight took until Spring to occur but another DeLAWLiday is a small price to pay to maximize the glorty of this exalted occasion.

I stand before you as the new OG-Joshi World Champion. But more importantly, I stand before you as the woman who has brought LAWL to an even higher level of international credibility: Just like I did when I defended the LAWL OMG Title against all comers. Tonight is the celebration of LAWL's 5 year anniversary in the public eye and its spotlight shines directly on me."

*A spotlight shines on Ruby as she holds the OG-Joshi World Title over her head*

[Ruby:] "I now have our competition's greatest trophy which I acquired effortlessly. This is my gift to this great promotion, one that has been underestimated and mocked, marginalized and misunderstood. But this accomplishment honors everyone here, from the potatoes that delight the children to the Title matches that our more mature audience crave. But most of all, this trophy is testament to the umstoppable will of destiny itself.

As such, I have no qualms about coming out here and making an unprecedented challenge. I, Ruby Moreno, will be the first woman in history to defend the OG-Joshi World Championship on a LAWL show. And I will do so against the first wrestler to make it to the stage."

*The LAWLitron turns on and we see a bunch of wrestlers running down the hall and pushing each other to get to Ruby first. At one point, the entire mass of wrestlers actually turns into a ball which Kata Mary attempts to manipulate but gets rolled up by instead. The ball continues rolling until somehow Platano Cascara gets loose which causes the ball to slip on her peel and smash against the wall. The wrestlers fly in different directions but one lucky wrestler manages to tuck in their limbs and roll to the stage.*

[Ruby:] "Well then, I am honored to defend this title against a former LAWL Title holder. In fact, she once held a title that I have never possessed: The A/S/L Tag Title. So tonight Patata Dulce will challenge for my OG-Joshi World Title."

Match 3: OG-Joshi World Title (?): Patata Dulce vs. Ruby Moreno (c)

*CLICK the "show" BELOW for ACTUAL WRITE-UP MATCH.*

Spoiler show: Ruby Moreno starts stretching while Patata Dulce starts dancing. Why? It's a sweet potato wrestler getting a shot at a Championship that it couldn't even dream of being in the same room with, let alone ring. Dancing seems appropriate.

Her dancing inspires Ruby to do the same (albeit in a much more sexy fashion) and the crowd seems to get into this. Ruby is smiling and offers Dulce a handshake. Patata asks the crowd if she should shake her hand and the audience clearly says no. Ruby appears hurt by their lack of trust. But Patata's high carb nature causes her to attempt to accept Ruby's gesture. Shockingly, Ruby doesn't attack her and simply shakes her hand.

They go into a collar and elbow tie up when WHAM (or "thwock?"), Ruby Morneo grabs Patata by the neck and drives her down into the mat with the Ruby Cutter. An easy 3 count precedes a fit of laughter by Ruby as she calls for the microphone after the bell sounds.

Patata Dulce (X) ["Ruby Cutter" - 0:15] (O) Ruby Moreno

[Ruby:] "So sad and tragic. 'Sweet heart' Jean Carter doesn't get to have a sweet potato as her World Champion. I know 'Coach' thinks this is a dark period for OG-Joshi but those with true vision can see my guiding light taking all of pro wrestling to its proper destiny."

*The majority of the fans boo, though some cheer, as Ruby takes her Title and walks back up the ramp. She makes one final pose with the Belt and goes backstage*. The ring crew come out with a spatula to remove Patata Dulce from the mat.

Next up we have a match of considerably more emnity between the two opponents. Iara Andrade has waited over a decade for the opportunity to face her former schoolyard bully, Cynthia San Martino. While it also took a while even once Iara finally came to LAWL, she finally has secured her chance. Cynthia has not backed down from this match either and relishes the chance to further beat up someone who has resisted her bullying.

Iara comes out first to a smattering of light applause. While just about the entire audience hates and fears Cynthia, Iara hasn't exactly enamored herself to the fans due to her testy relationship with crowd favorite, Marie Reyes. Despite being old friends, Iara blames Marie for not helping her during a particularly brutal schoolyard assault from Cynthia. Marie maintains she was not present that day cause her parents pulled her out of school after she was also beaten up by Cynthia but that isn't good enough for iara who has repeatedly insulted Marie. As a result, Iara has very little fan or wrestler support despite her mission of stopping Cynthia being one shared by many others.

Cynthia San Martino comes out next but is distracted by someone who has recently taken their seat in the front row. She goes over and high-fives someone who appears to be Catalina Maggia, a wrestler from GLITTER that she has teamed with in the past. Cynthia gets into the ring and immediately spits at Iara which starts the match.

Match 4: Iara Andrade vs. Cynthia San Martino

CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE MATCH!!!!!!

*POST MATCH SPOILERS - CLICK the "show" BELOW*

Spoiler show: A very one sided victory here as Cynthia had absolutely no answer to Iara's exotic capoeira techniques. Given that it took Marie a few matches to beat Cynthia, Iara was incredibly impressive in doing it so quickly in one. However, this isn't over.

Iara Andrade (O) [Yoshi Tonic - 10:55] (X) Cynthia San Martino

Catalina Maggia jumps the railing, gets into the ring, and jumps Iara from behind. Catalina and Cynthia work over Iara for a few seconds but then REYES UP! come out to the rescue and run off the two aggressors. Marie does not look happy to see Catalina who gives her a few hand gestures that many in the audience were offended by. Iara gets a microphone after her attackers finally leave.

[Iara:] "What the hell was that!?"

[Marie:] "Calm down, Iara. Are you ok? Did they hurt you?"

[Iara:] "Stop the act."

[Marie:] "What act? Why are you so angry with me?"

[Iara:] "Cause it's too little, too late, Marie."

[Grace:] "What is your problem? We just saved you from a serious beating and you're still mad at her for not being there twenty years ago when she was home from school. Do you want a doctor's note or something? Call up the school's attendance records? Drop the drama already."

[Iara:] "Stay out of this-"

[Grace:] "No, chica, I'm all in this. Cause she's my sis and you're disrespecting her."

[Marie:] "It's ok, Grace, she's just upset."

[Iara:] "I'm upset? You're just jealous that I dominated Cynthia in my first try."

[Grace:] "She sure has a funny way of showing her jealousy: saving your ass."

[Iara:] "You know what kid, at least you got some integrity. I wish I was friends with you back in the day cause you would have stood up to a bully."

[Grace:] "The hell? I used to be friends with that bully! Yet you insult my sis and not me? You not seeing things for what they really are. Believe me, I know what it's like to be out of my mind with hatred-"

Iara slaps Grace and Marie immediately gets in between the two. Grace is yelling at Iara to "bring it and stop acting like a bitch" while Marie is trying to calm them both down. Security comes down and further seperates everyone and gets them backstage. The fans are not happy to see all of this and some children need candy and potato toys to cheer them up.*

And we turn next to one of the most anticipated matches of this show and the first of our double main event. The long time A/S/L Champions, Jacquelyn Archer and Angelica Hyde, face their longer time antagonists, the Jiminez Sisters. These two teams have actually had a rivalry dating back to Dragon Isle Joshi Wrestling where they put on incredible matches. There is definitely some tension between the two teams as even though the Jiminez legitimately earned the Title shot, they still were rather crass to management which Hyde and Archer took offense to.

But what matters most tonight is what each team can do inside the ring. And on that note, it's difficult to tell who will emerge the winner. Hyde and Archer compliment each other with a speed and power game while the Jiminez combine those two abilities with a rough and tumble brawling style. They will take shortcuts that the Champs won't, but they also do not possess the level of speed that Angelica has or the power that Jacquelyn has. When it comes to teamwork, the two compete on an even level. Even though the Jiminez have that strong sister bond which seems to put them at an advantage, Angelica and Jacquelyn are long time best friends and have defended those Titles for years on an equal and shared footing.

Both teams come to the ring with the Champs being given a lot of love from the crowd. Ever since the LMAO-ROFL wars, Hyde and Archer have been top crowd favorites. The Jiminez get a little respect from the crowd based on their abilities, but it's clear who this crowd is cheering for. Let's get to the ring and find out who leaves tonight as Champions.

Match 5: A/S/L Title: Jiminez Sisters vs. Hyde/Archer (c)

Silvia/Tonia vs. Angelica Hyde/Jacquelyn Archer

PART 1 AND PART 2

*POST MATCH SPOILERS - CLICK the "show" BELOW*

Spoiler show: And the crowd is absolutely shocked here. Not just that the Jiminez Sisters have dethroned the long time Champions, but that they did it relatively cleanly! While Angelica and Jacquelyn put on their best efforts, Tonia and Silvia gave just a little bit more here tonight when it counted. But there is absolutely no question due to the buzzing of the crowd that this was one of the best A/S/L Title matches in the history of LAWL. And even the Jiminez Sisters are being cheered for their efforts.

Tonia/Silvia (O) [Wrist Clutch Exploder - 32:45] (X) Archer/Hyde

Angelica and Jacquelyn look distraught but they still attempt to do the right thing and shake the hands of the victors. However, the Jiminez Sisters refuse to accept and point the two out of the ring so that they can celebrate alone. Not a very classy move by Silvia and Tonia but the former Champions leave on their own accord with out any incident and are cheered by the crowd on the way back. Many fans begin chanting: "Rematch!" which the Jiminez Sisters apparently take issue with and shake their heads indicating no.

It is now time for the other main event and the first Title defense by OMG Champion Jenny McLanahan in a while as she faces #1 contender tournament winner, Alicia Gordon. Alicia is a former 1337 and A/S/L Title Champion but fell short against Jenny in their one encounter in OG-Joshi. However, that was a few years ago and much has changed in the careers of both women since then. Jenny lost her OG-Joshi Tag Titles while Alicia arguably lost her very mind as we saw at OG-FPD Ragnarok where she viciously attacked Haley Cannon after their match. Alicia has been suspended in OG-Joshi ever since then with no clear signs of her returning. Jenny, without having to worry about defending her Tag Titles, has focused a lot of attention on tonight whereas the object of Alicia's desires and focus is anyone's guess.

Alicia did have to defeat a tough tournament bracket consisting of Iara Andrade and Grace Reyes to get to this point and we know what she is capable of when she brings her best. But questions of her excessive violence, mental instability, and desire to even be in pro wrestling have dominated talk about this match. Jenny, for her part, is one of the best wrestlers LAWL has ever seen and defeated Ruby Moreno to win that Title. The last time these two fought, Jenny warned Alicia against turning to violence and it seems that her condition has only gotten worse since then. But Jenny calmly defeated her then. Can she do the same now to defend her Title? Or is Alicia Gordon's anger and strength too great to be resisted? And can Alicia's arsenal of debilitating strikes be weakened by Jenny's submission expertise?

One thing is for sure, Jenny McLanahan looks very focused as she comes out to the ring. The fans are giving her support and she doesn't look nervous about tonight's encounter at all. Alicia Gordon comes out next to very little crowd reaction. No one has seen her in public since December and she broke a lot of fans' hearts that night when she hurt Haley. The fans seem to be keeping their emotional distance from her and she, in kind, from them. She appears to be eye'ing Jenny with particular attentionthough. And when the referee holds up the OMG Title between them, it is Jenny that receives Alicia's stare rather then the belt. Old wounds may still be fresh in mind for Alicia due to their past issues. And if so, this match will prove to be very hard-hitting. Let's get to the ring and see if yet another Title will change hands tonight.

Match 6: OMG Title: Alicia Gordon vs. Jenny McLanahan (c)

CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE MATCH!!!!!!

*POST MATCH SPOILERS - CLICK the "show" BELOW*

Spoiler show: The fans are booing as loudly as they can while Alicia Gordon starts having a fit and repeatedly slams the chair against the ring post. No one can believe that Alicia just got counted out of her first chance at the OMG Title just because she chose to get an illegal chair rather then roll back into the ring to beat the count. She could have easily gotten back into the ring and continued the match normally but instead opted for violence and immediately lost. The fact she had Jenny in a tough position in the match made this sudden ending even worse.

Alicia Gordon (X) [Count Out - 14:32] (O) Jenny McLanahan

Jenny looks disappointed at the way the match ended and even more disappointed at Alicia. She takes her OMG Title and goes backstage. The fans cheer for her and she thanks them but its clear this was not the way she wanted to win this. Alicia drops the chair and starts kicking the ring post, screaming out in angst at what just occurred. Marie Reyes comes to ringside to attempt to talk to her but Alicia just walks right past her to the back as if she wasn't even there. The fans are incredibly upset at all of this and it takes the spirit of winter, Abominable Snow Woman, coming out to ease some of their bad feelings.

But this isn't over yet. Gloria Reye leaves the ring to go get a microphone. Not only was she the referee of this past match but she is the majority owner of LAWL.

[Gloria:] "I am absolutely disgusted by what we just saw. I know all of you fans hold us and our Title matches at a higher standard then this. I can not, in good faith, allow you to pay full price for this show after Miss Gordon's display of unsportsmanlike conduct. Everyone here, on their way out, is entitled to a 25% refund and a free LAWL shirt to at least honor the efforts of the rest of the roster on this show. Thank you for your continued support in spite of this. I vow that you will not see anything like this again from her."

Gloria waves and starts to walk backstage. She is joined by Ruby Moreno whose eyes are practically screaming at Gloria despite speaking softly to her. The two walk backstage and the show ends with fan silence and sadness instead of the usual insane jubilation LAWL prides itself on :(

(LAWLive shows will be back this summer!)

HaLAWLoween 2010

2010-11-26T02:19:00.003-05:00

HaLAWLoween 2010

"Trick or Treat~!
Mind this beet~!
Give me something 1337 to eat~!"

Ahh, the legendary song of Trick-or-Treaters young and old as they scurry around the block, loitering on their neighbors properties, mooching low nutritional items to ward off evil spirits. And why? Preparation. Think of Halloween as "pre-gaming" for 3 weeks later when they overdose on gravied turkey and mashed potato smoothies. Folks, this is Halloween. But is it...HaLAWLoween!? Decidely not. That is because HaLAWLoween is Halloween mixed with concentrated candy corn extract. The kind of stuff not legal in most states. Are you ready for that kind of intensity? That kind of commitment? That kind of...HORROR?

~~(If not, but while I have you here, would you be interested in low interest homeowner insurance?)~~

Then step right up to the first house on this virtual block of evil. A block some like to call Samhain, others like to call Ralph, but I prefer to call...MADNESS.

*Disembodied screaming is imagined by the reader*

Luckily madness is split rather evenly and neatly among 6 matches tonight. Thanks to Goothulu for being well organized in said madness. He probably gets better results this way. That sloppy kid in his class who always glued his tentacles to his own forehead is likely not swimming in the same kind of productive madness. Am I going off track here?

Wonderful. Let us get to the first "house" of tonight (yea for pained analogies!). When we knock on the door, a woman dressed as a SCRAMBLED EGG...literally FRYING in her costume...(madness I say, MADNESS!) gives us 4 pieces of candy, a f'n banana (WTF), and an egg (which will likely be thrown at her house for giving us the banana). They all represent different wrestlers in tonight's ScrambLAWL match. Whichever food doesn't fall out of your Trick or Treat plastic toy pumpkin will "win" and later be slightly regurgitated to face off against the 1337 Champion, Captain Lucy Cutlass. (Grog candy?). Also, can I again say that the crazy scrambled egg lady is a real b*tch for giving you FRUIT when you trick or treat? No really...i'm not ready to move on from this...wait, what? The match is starting? Oh...but I'm still mad. Fine. FINE.

Match 1: Over the Top ScrambLAWL

Kata Mary vs. Maxine Warner vs. Rapida Lopes vs. Platano Cascara vs. Lucky Lupe vs. Patricia Jackson vs. LAWLunkaLoompa 2, vs. Egg Man

CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE MATCH!!!!!!

*POST MATCH SPOILERS - CLICK the "show" BELOW*

Spoiler show: Interesting to note is that the winning piece of candy appeared to be very sticky and initially rolled up the other candies, before quickly spinning and flinging them all off. A winning strategy! That one candy probably will be hard to scrape off your teeth. A winning strategy for your dentist!

Loompa 2 (O) [Over the top- 9:12] (X) Patricia Jackson
Rapida Lopes (O) [Over the top- 10:11] (X) Egg Man
Lucky Lupe (O) [Over the top- 11:09] (X) Loompa 2
Rapida Lopez (O) [Over the top- 11:37] (X) Maxine Warner
(Rapida BETTER be fast cause she's got a pissed off nightmare bunny mad at her)
Lucky Lupe (O) [Over the top- 13:51] (X) Platano Cascara
Kata Mary (O) [Over the top- 14:25] (X) Rapida Lopez
Kata Mary (O) [Over the top- 22:07] (X) Lucky Lupe

Winner: Kata Mary Princess

Anyone else a little annoyed that the banana lasted so long before being thrown out of your basket? Yeah.

Well, good debut for Rapida Lopez, not so good for Egg Man. Probably cause it's an Egg Man in an all women/thing/women-thing fed. I bet he won't be showering with them either. Not that...ANY sane person would really want that. MADNESS!

The next house we come to is one of pure fright (and sadly, lower resolution). The person who opens the door is dressed like Laverne from MM/DoTT. So you know something's off right there. You also wonder if maybe she pushed Lucky Lupe in the last match. In any case, she gives you two candies that appall you. One is the same gross rabbit candy that gave you a hallucination (in which you were watching a wrestling match) that you got from the first house. Why you are once again given the same exact candy that made you want to commit seppuko with the useless banana is beyond your understanding. Perhaps even worse is the fact that the second candy you received is actually MADE OF METAL. Not just a metal object placed into the candy like the old wives tales say. But candy made of metal. Well, your dentist is gonna make out like a bandit this holiday. You put both candies in your mouth and black out for a good 15 or so minutes.

Match 2: S1sta C1rcu1t vs. Maxine Warner

CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE MATCH!!!!!!

*POST MATCH SPOILERS - CLICK the "show" BELOW*

Spoiler show: Disgusting. You chug a big gallon of cola just to get the taste out of your mouth and EYES. The fact that rabbit in your hallucination wasn't scaring the robot makes you physically and mentally unable to cope with the world. Fits of vomiting occur at once and you pray to every deity fiddling for Azazoth that your pain be ended quickly. But no end comes. Only laughter.

S1sta C1rcu1t (O) [Diving Body Press - 16:51] (X) Maxine Warner

Oh and...i guess S1sta C1rcu1t won her debut match against a Maxine Warner who just had wrestled once already. Did prior fatigue from that match mean her usual special skill of: "I KILL YOUR INNOCENCE" (cost: 35 points. Requirement: Be Maxine Warner) didn't work as well as usual? Let's say yes and hope no one remembers it so the "rule" doesn't limit me in the future. What's important is that Maxine Warner, a rabbit, isn't injured by a 2 ton metal woman landing on her.

(No one would shed tears of joy or renewed sanity if she was)

And our next house...looks surprisingly normal. BORING. Well, maybe "Boring" isn't the word I should be using to want you to sample...SWEET CANDY...can't get enough of this house's...SWEET CANDY. Gummy Venus de Marie-o here along with Gummy Grace!! And you also get some weird Canadian tree bark candy (again..WTF) and a small piece of grog candy that you immediately spit out after it burns your tongue. Will it burn the gummies too? And will that tree bark candy...do anything useful besides attract deadly, rampaging moose? (it's useful if they'd end this show, believe me!) Let's find out!!

Match 3: Marie/Grace Reyes vs. Anne O'Malley/Canada Meg

CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE MATCH!!!!!!

*POST MATCH SPOILERS - CLICK the "show" BELOW*

Spoiler show: It turns out that the Canadian candy actually had more going for it then you thought. If you kept it in your mouth long enough ("That's what she said") it released a pleasing ("that's-") hint of maple syrup. That syrup managed to tie up the gummies for the taste test victory-

Marie/Grace (X) [North of the Borderplex - 23:55] (O) Meg/Anne

No wait, seriously- Did Marie and Grace Reyes just lose to Canada Meg and Anne O'Malley? Is Marie being punished for talking to Jean Carter about Ruby or something? Or did two single stars just get schooled by two up and coming tag specialists? Whatever it was, Grace is none too pleased but Marie is trying to calm her down. Marie shakes hands with Meg and Anne, while holding Grace back, and they all go backstage. Yeah, a real angle written normally without candy analogies. Feel better now? Spoiled sports.

You take a brief break from Trick or Treating to sit down and reflect on the evening's events. And to throw up again in the bushes after all that candy. Then you get chased off the neighbors lawn for throwing up in their bushes. Then some no-goodniks laugh at the upset neighbors and T.P. their house. Suffice to say, productive and enjoyable intermission.

Our next house has a big gold streamer around the middle of it that says "1337". When you open the door, two men stand there giving out candy. The IGL Tag..uh, Trick or Treat Champions: Henry Bailey and Jack Flint! They grunt and give you a gold piece of candy shaped like a pirate ship! That's all? Just one piece of candy? They motion to your bag and you see you actually still have that piece of sticky, rolly candy from before! The one from the first house. Wait? Didn't you...eat that before? Is this candy invincible!? Oh right, you forgot about the regurgitation process mentioned earlier. That's not a pleasant thing so you figure you repressed it as it was happening as you watched the previous match. Anyway, onto the here and now. You briefly fear for the pirate ship despite the many candy battles it has won in the past. Can it do it again here? Or will rolly, sticky candy with the cool colors and mind warping effects win the "candy tasting title" of the night?

Match 4: 1337 Title: Kata Mary vs. Lucy Cutlass (c)

CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE MATCH!!!!!!

*POST MATCH SPOILERS - CLICK the "show" BELOW*

Spoiler show: The rolly, sticky candy wasn't strong or big enough to roll up the mighty pirate ship! Must have needed to roll up smaller ships first and didn't. Then again, by winning that last match it really SHOULD have been big enough to win here but I guess the water around Lucy's ship messed with its stickiness somehow. *Shrugs shoulders*.

Kata Mary (X) [Twist of Fate - 19:15] (O) Lucy Cutlass

No real surprise here as our 1337 Champion continues her impressive reign against a wrestler who already had a match earlier. Kinda makes this whole match seem like weird booking really...then again, THIS IS MADNESS!

And next we come to a house that is literally being SELF-TP'd by some crazy magical spirit. A house so mad that it toilet papers itself. Why? Why NOT? As we now come to perhaps our most insane candy hunt of the night. When we open the door, the LAWL Spirit of Winter, Abominable Snow Woman, is there to offer us candy. That should set our radars off that something fowl is afoot (and not the Gooses that the Spirit of Winter helped HomeLAWL dispatch in the past). Snow Woman hands you...sigh...two vegetables. But you are NOT gonna mouth off to Snow Woman. No siree. You take that piece of cawliflower and broccoli and make something out of yourself! She also hands you a small pinata full of candy and a toy llama to go with it. Yea, a toy! Getting an actual toy on Halloween actually makes up for vegatables! You're ahead!! And now, we will see how the two groups of...somethings...interact. But not in video this time, because well, kinda wanted to do it this way. Why? Again, why NOT?! ...also, MADNESS. (The actual write-up match is in the spoilers below)

Match 5: HomeLAWL Security vs. V-H8

Pinata Mask/LLAMA Mask vs. Collie Flower/Lord Broccoli

*ACTUAL WRITE-UP MATCH IN SPOILERS - CLICK the "show" BELOW*

Spoiler show: We start off with Pinata Mask and the larger, more physically imposing Collie Flower in the ring. Pinata is doing her best to avoid Collie's grasp and going to her combination of lucha and striking. Pinata has a hell of a resiliency as well so she doesn't mind taking some of Collie's strikes which aren't that refined anyway. She's not in there with Pea Shooter, that's for sure. But eventually Collie tags into Lord Broccoi and the two double team Pinata, starting to put her in a bad situation.

Lord Broccoli takes control and shouts insults to Pinata...about having unhealthy candy in her head...ouch...while keeping her in a rear chinlock. That broccoli heads gotta be pretty ticklish in that situation...if Pinata's into that. She's not. Instead she actually manages a rear chinbreaker and quickly tags to LLAMA Mask. LLAMA Mask is a house'a'llama and Lord Broccoli is unable to cope with this dromedarian menace. Llamas EAT vegetables, b*tches. So you best run. And Lord Broccoli does just that as Llama Mask chases her AND Collie Flower around the ring. Pinata Mask gets into position in front of the two of them, tripping them, and Llama Mask hits a big Llama lariat on both of them as they are falling down on top of each other. This is truly a scene to behold and later pray to forget.

It's clear that our ref, Tilda Uno, has lost all control over this match at this point. It's even more clear when she accidentally gets knocked over by Pinata Mask who was running the ropes and didn't see her. Lord Broccoli takes advantage of the momentary lapse of concentration from Pinata and throws her outside the ring. Collie Flower follows. The two continue to fight outside the ring as Lord Broccoli is being backed into a corner by LLAMA Mask. Not knowing what else to do, Lord Broccoli motions to the audience and Artie Choke has just jumped the rail! But she's not the only one! From the other side of the ring, and from behind Llama Mask, someone else has come in from the crowd and gotten into the ring even faster then Artie Choke did!!

CLICK HERE TO WATCH WHAT HAPPENS!

Who or WHAT the hell is that!! And what business does it have doing what it just did in the thing I just posted that maybe you saw! And if its an "it" then what type of vegetable is it? Where is it grown? Where could I get a thing like that to elevate my garden to neighborhood's best? (by taking out all other gardens in competition). What's important is that it happened..and maybe you saw it. Did you? Then you're probably ready for the next paragraph already, sheesh.

Lord Broccoli isn't asking any of the above questions and as the ref manages to get back up, the intruder leaves. Lord Broccoli shrugs her mighty roughage shoulders and goes for the pin on the knocked out Llama! 1...2...3!! And HomeLAWL Security has been robbed here! And it doesn't seem to be a V-H8 plot!! Rather, they seem just as shocked as everyone else! But not quite as upset given that they just got the win and were doing fairly decent up to that point!

Pinata Mask/LLAMA Mask (X) [Pin - 15:55] (O) Lord Broccoli/Collie Flower

And now we come to the biggest house on the block (not the "big house" though, Cynthia San Martino isn't here tonight). This house has 3 large stories on it but you're wondering if all 3 are necessary tonight. You're also feeling a bit uncomfortable about going into the house ("STRANGER DANGER") but apparently there will be candy given on each floor. Or just the first two floors if you get the same candy and really, this whole analogy is breaking down pretty badly for a 2/3 falls match so let's maybe ...

No, no I guess Gloria Reyes is insisting on the candy analogy for the main event too. FINE. (Probably got pressured into it by Ruby and "Destiny"). So you come into the house and are first given a ruby red colored candy shaped like the actual Gummi Venus De Milo which represents the former LAWL OMG Champion, Ruby Moreno. Then you are given another piece of candy in the shape of the word "LAWL" (kinda arrogant?) that represents another former OMG Champion and the one in charge of this promot...err, Trick or Treat adventure, Gloria Reyes. You will have 3 chances to give your opinion of which candy tastes better. If you only need 2 chances. then the third won't be necessary and you'll go back home with a slightly lesser stomach ache. And Ruby and Gloria can end this once and for all. And by Ruby and Gloria, I mean watch the candy fite plz.

Match 6: Gloria Reyes vs. Ruby Moreno (2 out of 3 falls)

CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE MATCH!!!!!!

*POST MATCH SPOILERS - CLICK the "show" BELOW*

Spoiler show: And the ruby red candy has won two straight taste tests in impressive fashion! She even won the second in an arrogant manner!! Ok let's...go past the results here for semi-real analysis!

Gloria Reyes (X) [Backdrop Hold - 17:07] (O) Ruby Moreno
Gloria Reyes (X) [Elbow Drop Pin - 9:24] (O) Ruby Moreno

Ruby stormed to a 2-0 win against Gloria and the fans are absolutely shocked that Gloria couldn't even pick up one fall. Ruby isn't, however. She walks up to Gloria and holds her own arm out. Then she gestures her head towards her own arm and Gloria gets the hint. She sighs and raises Ruby's arm up in victory before starting to walk away. But Ruby holds Gloria's arm and calls for a microphone. She then whispers to Gloria who again sighs and announces on the mic: "The winner of this match and...my better in the ring...Ruby Moreno." The fans are sick to their stomach (too much candy?) hearing this but Ruby simply blows them kisses. Gloria is finally 'allowed' to go backstage and does sp with an expresion combining frustration and relief. Meanwhile, Ruby is in the ring smiling as streamers come down and bright lights appear for her to end the show.

We hope you enjoyed HaLAWLoween 2010 and will see you for LAWLiday in January!! If I was you, I'd be praying to your Winter solstice holiday deity of choice that I don't stretch another holiday analogy too far! (spoiler: I will, sorry. You must have been naughty). Bye!

HaLAWLoween 2010 Card

2010-10-18T20:00:00.001-04:00

Tis the season...for screamin? If LAWL gets its way, it will be!! Get ready for HaLAWLoween 2010 - Scheduled for late October/early November!

Here is the card:

1) ScrambLAWL: Kata Mary, Maxine Warner, Rapida Lopes, Cascara Platano, Lucky Lupe, Patricia Jackson. LAWLunkaLoompa 2, Egg Man

This will be an over the top (REALLY...over the top) Battle Royale between 8 of LAWL's lawliest. The reward for winning is a shot at Captain Lucy Cutlass' 1337 Title later that same evening! So the quicker the eliminations, the better for the winner!

The namesake of this match is the debuting Egg Man. Wait...man? In LAWL? Well...it's an egg so gender really kinda is irrelevant. Although since it's an egg, it seems like it could be female. Wow, I can't believe i wrote so many sentences about that!! Another wrestler making her debut here is Rapida Lopes who comes to us from GLITTER. Then, to really hammer home the scary HaLAWLoween theme - the LAWLgomorph and cause of hundreds of sleepless nights, Maxine Warner!

(Wait, we have an EGG and a BUNNY character? Sure this isn't an Easter show?)

Rounding out the match are experienced tag team and 1337 Title division wrestlers, including a former 1337 Champion: Lucky Lupe. This is Lupe's first match back in a long time and the favorite of some to win. But will she be able to keep up with the frenetic atmosphere of an over the top Battle Royale with so many younger and quicker competitors? And an Easter miracle or massacre waiting to happen?

2) S1sta C1rcu1t vs. Maxine Warner

Maxine Warner, being the scariest by FAR of the LAWL roster gets double duty tonight as she faces the debuting S1sta C1rcu1t!! We apologize for those who now have to spend more money to get a double session with their "mental management coaches" as a result. It has been rumored that no one else in the LAWL locker room wanted to face Maxine 1 on 1 so LAWL had to actually get a ROBOT that presumably wouldn't know fear. That's truly horrific, Maxine!!

3) Maxine Warner vs. Maxine Warner

Nah...

3) Marie Reyes/Grace Reyes vs. Anne O'Malley/Canada Meg

This is the first time Marie and Grace have been on the same side of the ring in years. They have recently agreed to team together to reconcile their differences, strengthen their family ties, and help out each others careers. Their opponents are two aspiring understudies of rather successful wrestlersL Anne being Captain/Mad Lucy Cutlass's cabin girl and Canada Meg being Ruby Moreno's occasional tag team partner and student. Both appear to be talented tag team wrestlers and have a big opportunity to disrupt this Reyes family reunion.

4) 1337 Title: ? ? ? ? ? vs. Lucy Cutlass (c)

Lucy will defend her long time 1337 Title reign against the winner of Match 1. No news yet on whether Lucy will dress up as a Ghost/Demon/Cursed pirate for the show and have to be warded off by Guy Kisiera and Elaine Carter.

"Look behind you, it's a 3 headed LOLCat!"

5) HomeLAWL Security (LLAMA Mask/Pinata Mask) vs. V-H8 (Lord Broccoli/Collie Flower)

Sensing that the new scourge of V-H8 may be getting out of control, Gloria Reyes has them up against the guardians of LAWL, HomeLAWL Security. There are concerns on how rusty HomeLAWL is in the ring having not wrestled for over a year whereas V-H8 is FRESH and all juiced up. But then again, as the old saying goes, never bet against a Pinata and a llama teamed together for convenience. (- Aesop)

6) Gloria Reyes vs. Ruby Moreno - 2/3 falls

This match has been built to for over a year, and over five years, at the same time. (granted the second implies the first). When Gloria Reyes was LAWL OMG Champion, she successfully defended her title against a young Ruby Moreno. Ruby, as luck would turn out, holds one hell of a grudge. She has wanted to avenge her loss since the second after the bell rung and finally has the real chance to do it. At the previous show, these two wrestled to a 20 minute time limit draw in a match that Ruby had no idea had a 20 minute time limit, or any at all. But these potential three falls will be time limit free and there has to be a winner to this feud. As a result, and since Gloria holds one victory already in this rivalry:

If Ruby wins two falls to none, then the matter is over.
If Gloria wins two falls to none or one, the matter is over.
But if Ruby wins two falls to one, then they are ultimately tied due to Gloria's old victory. In this case, their final match would happen at LAWLiday. But neither of them want that to happen. And I'm not so hot on it either.

Ruby has waited years to finish things the right way while Gloria simply wants to stop taking up LAWL time dealing with Ruby in this matter, especially since Ruby has held LAWL's production captive to her whims. That is why this is the main event of the show rather then the 1337 Title match. Ruby is the one who fostered relations between the Destiny Corporation and LAWL for production/distribution and she has enough pull with Destiny to get them to halt their work on LAWL. Until Gloria and Ruby finish their rivalry decisively, LAWL will not be allowed to go on..."normally". It hurt me to write that word far more then it hurt you to read it.

See you all at HaLAWLoween!

Summer SpectacuLAWLer 2010

2010-06-27T04:14:00.008-04:00

Summer SpectacuLAWLer 2010

Summer hot enough for ya!?!

Oh...oh it is? Then I guess you wouldn't want it any hotter. Wouldn't be very healthy. You may want to avoid this show. I know, this is kinda awkward. That's ok, you can come back for a winter LAWL show. Maybe use this time to do something useful for society. Good luck!

For those who still need the heat cranked up a few more degrees, you're in the right place! As LAWL presents Summer SpectacuLAWLer from the LAWLitorium!! And do we ever have a show for you! Tonight we finish the Title Tournament to choose a #1 Contender for the OMG Title!! Just three matches left to go and the final two rounds happen tonight! And we also have a long awaited match between Gloria Reyes and Ruby Moreno!! Ruby's appearance alone should warm your body by 5 degrees!! Let's get to the action!

There was a coin toss before the show that was meant to decide which Second Round match would start the evening. However, the coin was stolen by a developmental wrestling rutabaga angry at not being accepted on the roster. ("Rude Ehbega - The Canadian Rutabaga" . I know - TOTAL license to print up money. Not so much, according to Gloria Reyes). So LAWL said screw it - let's start off with this match and not worry too much about it!

Jacquelyn Archer , one-half of the LAWL A/S/L Tag Champions will be taking on a former enemy, Grace Reyes. Grace's old LMAO group made life very difficult for Jacquelyn, among others, and while Grace disavows LMAO philosophy, it's hard to imagine these two will form a friendship here! Especially since the winner of this match will be just one match away from an OMG Title shot! Grace has been training with Jo Ryder and appears to be a lot calmer and more in control of her emotions whereas Angelica is riding a very hot wave of tag momentum now. And she also defeated Cynthia San Martino to get to this level of the tournament! Grace defeated her former partner, Lucky Lupe, Jacquelyn Archer's old mentor. How much of the LMAO-ROFL war still remains in the hearts of these two women!?

Match 1: OMG Title Tournament - Second Round.

Jacquelyn Archer vs. Grace Reyes

CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE MATCH!!!!!!

*POST MATCH SPOILERS - CLICK the "show" BELOW*

Spoiler show: And you gotta hand it to Jacquelyn here for being as competitive as she was but Grace used that break outside the ring to clear her head and regain composure! Jacquelyn didn't expect Grace to pull off such a big move right after getting back into the ring! It appeared that Grace was mostly all business here but there were some signs of frustration due to Archer's resilience. However, Grace can now rest until the main event!

Jacquelyn Archer (X) [Wrist Clutch Exploder - 15:56] (O) Grace Reyes

And now we turn to the second tournament match and this actually has more tension then the last one. Alicia Gordon, former 1337 and A/S/L Tag Champion will be facing newcomer Iara Andrade in what could be called: "Marie's Amis" match - friends of Marie. Alicia is a long time and current friend of Marie Reyes while Iara is an old friend who had a falling out with her thanks to the bullying of Cynthia San Martino. Iara defeated Marie but also has made her feel very bad and that is angering Alicia Gordon, who is generally someone it is unwise to anger, even with Haley Cannon's "Anger management" sessions currently in OG-Joshi. The keys to this match are whether Alicia can stay focused on the win AND can her Tae Kwon Do defeat Iara's Capoeira? Iara is the only wrestler on the roster who may be able to out strike Alicia but that will be a tall order. Iara is also the only wrestler on the roster who may seem even more glum then Alicia and the fans are trying to cheer both of them up but to no avail. Looks like both these girls got some sand in their...shoes. Wait you thought I was gonna say - that's hurtful. I'm hurt. Let's watch the match now... hurters.

Match 2: OMG Title Tournament - Second Round.

Alicia Gordon vs. Iara Andrade

CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE MATCH!!!!!!

*POST MATCH SPOILERS - CLICK the "show" BELOW*

Spoiler show: And what a match this was! Alicia and Iara had an absolute striking war which Alicia was finally able to put away with her actual wrestling. However, we learned that Iara may have picked up more then just capoeira in Brazil...but Jiu-jitsu as well! Alicia appeared completely unprepared for this and it almost cost her the match. But Alicia is as tenacious as they come and found a way to use her strengths against Iara. Alicia will advance but Iara certainly impressed here.

Alicia Gordon (O) [Northern Lights Suplex - 22:34] (X) Iara Andrade

And Iara is grabbing a microphone. After she (and Alicia) take a few breaths, Iara starts talking.

[Iara:] "I don't give a damn about this tournament. Once Cynthia got eliminated, the only reason I stayed in it was to beat you, Alicia."

*The crowd boos*

[Iara:] "And you know - if you weren't a friend of Marie's, I'd actually respect you for beating me. Your stand-up is tight and whoever taught you that groundwork knows their stuff."

*The crowd actually starts to cheer and Alicia nods, then points to the crowd where Jang Bae is sitting.*

[Iara:] "But.... I can't respect anyone who is best friends with someone who betrayed me."

*Alicia grabs a mic as the crowd continues booing Iara.*

[Alicia:] "You really don't get it, do you? Marie didn't betray you, she wasn't allowed to go to school cause her parents worried about her health after Cynthia beat her up real badly one day. She didn't expect Cynthia to hurt you the day she was absent. She definitely wouldn't have wanted it. And she's still upset, she never stopped being upset. Your enemy is Cynthia, not Marie. I know how easy it is to get angry at those who you think helped your enemy or allowed you to get hurt, but it's misguided. Especially here. And if you'd talk to Marie, you'd see that she still cares about you."

[Iara:] "That's not really my concern."

[Alicia:] "Well it's gonna be MY concern if you don't leave her alone. You don't want to be friends with her, fine. But either stop harassing Marie, and focus your energy on Cynthia, or you won't be respecting what I do to you next time we're in the ring."

At this point security comes down...wait, is that...Oh gawd - LAWL's new security force is a large wall of Spinach. Security Spinach. Oh why do you do this to us, LAWL? I guess it worked for a certain copyrighted sailor. Well, in any case - a big wall of spinach is in between Alicia and Iara and finally the stare down stops. Both wrestlers go backstage.

And it looks like we could use a bit of a change of pace here after getting all serious. And luckily, here come Las Potatodoras who have gifts for the children! They brought out over sized beach balls (colored as potatoes) and novelty giant potato sunglasses and even Potato Coladas! (non-alcoholic). The fans are getting into the Potato Spirit and this amorphous narrator couldn't be happier! But before everyone has a chance to settle in and actually have FUN at a LAWL show, the group known as V-H8 comes down to the ring to spoilAWL the mood. Pea Shooter, Collie Flower, and the presumable leader, Lord Broccoli make their way to ringside and confiscate as many of the novelty toys as possible. There are even some grumblings from Lord Broccoli that vegetables aren't about FUN, they're about discipline and nutrition. Fruits are the mindless partiers of the Produce World. (their words not mine). The Potatoes take offense to this, as do their fans, and we're left remembering the scenes at the last two shows where V-H8 beat up Las Platanos and also defeated Las Potatodoras. This is quickly becoming a volatile feud and things look to be getting worse!

Match 3: "V-H8" vs. Las Potatodoras

Pea Shooter, Collie Flower, Lord Broccoli vs. Patata Dulce, Patata Espacial, Patata Frita Verde

Las Potatodoras rallied early and had some success against Collie and Lord but Pea Shooter shut them down, only being rivaled by Patata Frita Verde who used her/its elbows to break out of Pea's various holds. As the match continued, V-H8 wore down the potatoes and got them to the point where it looked like defeat was imminent. However, Patata Dulce, in a showing of absolute heroism was able to fight off all three members and make a hot potato tag to Espacial. She used her OUTER SPACE LUNACY POWERS to make Lord Broccoli moonwalk, which led to at least one member of the audience vomiting. (this was down from the previous amount of people vomiting). Pea Shooter came in quickly to "ground" Espacial down to earth. However, she didn't see Espacial make a warp tag (not using actual hands) to Frita Dulce who came in and leveled Pea with a LOLLing elbow. Frita grabs the pin. 1..2...

NO! The pin is broken up by something who just came out from under the ring!! Apparently, she "sprouted" and pulled Frita off Pea! Then the "thing", that vaguely looks like an artichoke...if one could imagine an artichoke as a wrestler...suplexed Frita on her head before choking her out with a rear naked choke! The ref called for the bell and Las Potatodoras won by interference but after all 3 members got dismantled by V-H8 and their newest member, they don't look much like winners. This is a dark day for produce on produce violence.

V-H8 (X) [Disqualification - 15:55] (O) Las Potatodoras

Moving uh, right along. Kids! Do you want to see LAWL wrestlers visit you and your friends during summer camp!? If so, check with your parents to make sure you're getting enough brain medication! And then get them to sign a visitor form on their website! There's nothing like learning to swim alongside Kata Mary (or seeing Ruby Moreno in a bikini for those older kids) or doing other camp related activities with uh...let's say FIASUKO and uh Canada Meg! Just don't freeze Orange Julia into a popsicle! (LAWL collects a small fee of $100 per 1 hour visit.)

And we return to the action with a match that has been brewing for years. Gloria Reyes, the current LAWL Head (not of lettuce) was a former OMG Champion and actually retired with that Title when no one could defeat her. Before she retired, she defeated Ruby Moreno and Ruby has been furious ever since that Glorida didn't grant her a rematch. Ruby eventually won the OMG Title, beating Gloria's sister Marie, and had a run as possibly the most dominant LAWL OMG Champion ever. But she still felt unfulfilled in her rivalry with Gloria. Once Gloria returned to the ring to help LAWL against Holly, Ruby demanded that they have their rematch. And she even defeated Juli Krieger who Gloria was scheduled to face. For her part, Gloria has not wanted to wrestle Ruby: intending to leave their rivalry with Ruby in the past and focus on her managerial duties. But Ruby has been adamant. And through a series of heroic acts, manipulation, and her ability to get LAWL funding independent of Orochi-O's (though a financing group called Destiny.Inc), Gloria finally granted her this match. But what will happen when the two step in the ring for the first time in over 5 years?

Match 4: Gloria Reyes vs. Ruby Moreno

CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE MATCH!!!!!!

*POST MATCH SPOILERS - CLICK the "show" BELOW*

Spoiler show: A draw!! Ruby was about to put the finishing touches on Gloria but delayed to taunt Gloria and her fans! And that delay was just long enough for the time to run out right as Ruby applied her STF!

Gloria Reyes (-) [Time Limit Draw - 20:00] (-) Ruby Moreno

And Ruby is FURIOUS! She has grabbed a microphone!

[Ruby:] "What matter of bull(CENSORED) is this, Reyes!?"

*The fans ooh, having never heard her curse before. Keep in mind this is a family show!*

[Gloria:] "Watch your language, there are kids in the-"

*Ruby pushes Gloria, who struggles to keep her cool.*

[Ruby:] "Focus!! You never said there'd be a time limit! Why would you do that!?"

[Gloria:] "You're a real hypocrite. For months you've been telling me how I steal the spotlight from other wrestlers, like you. And yet you can't acknowledge that this night isn't ABOUT us. It's about the OMG Title. I didn't want our match to take any more time-"

[Ruby:] "Away from their recovery period? Yes, Gloria. Quite a well reasoned argument. I'm sure Grace and Alicia, especially Alicia, are furious at you for giving them more time to rest before their match tonight. At least have the decency to concoct a decent excuse!! We all know this is just another way for you to run from me. Gloria Reyes - you are a COWARD."

*The crowd oohs as Gloria just smiles and folds her arms.*

[Gloria:] "Is that so?"

[Ruby:] "You knew you couldn't beat me. I was just toying with you at the end, we all saw I had the Ruby Stretch on you and there wasn't a damn thing you could do about it. But you counted on my vanity, you knew I'd take my time and relish the experience of dominating you. So you built in a failsafe to our match. Clever Reyes, but everyone here sees through it. Everyone here knows you can no longer beat me so you had to cheat the system itself."

[Gloria:] "Very good, you think whatever you want. You keep thinking I spend hours 'concocting' ways to beat you, like I don't have an entire wrestling promotion to run. I keep telling you that this isn't about me and you anymore. And I'm sick of this. So we're putting a stop to it."

*Ruby pushes her again.*

[Ruby:] "You don't get it. We don't stop this til we do it right. I will be facing you at the next show, which I believe is planned for DVD.?"

[Gloria:] "Correct on the second part, not the first."

*Ruby smiles*

[Ruby:] "Oh, but the second part will not happen if the first is not guaranteed.."

*Gloria looks shocked and outraged*

[Gloria:] "Now YOU are holding LAWL hostage?! You're no better then Walker!"

[Ruby:] "The only thing I'm holding is you to your word. You said we'd have a rematch."

[Gloria:] "And we did. We just had it. Neither of us won. Life goes on."

[Ruby:] "There has to be a winner, Gloria. Or else it's not a real match. Everyone here knows that. Ties don't count in pro wrestling. They need to be resolved."

[Gloria:] "And if you beat me in another rematch, then we will be tied with one win a piece."

[Ruby:] "I hate repeating myself. Ties don't count. They need to be resolved."

[Gloria:] "So we're just gonna keep wrestling til one of us has the clear lead?"

[Ruby:] "Yes, but it's much more then that. We keep wrestling til you take responsibility for your decision five years ago to retire rather then face me again. We keep wrestling til you take responsibility for cheating me out of a real match tonight. We keep wrestling til I am satisfied that the world and especially you know who the better wrestler is."

[Gloria:] "Sounds like you're the one that needs the most convincing if you're going this far."

[Ruby:] "We keep wrestling until you address me with the respect I have earned."

[Gloria:] "And if I don't, you'll have Destiny.Inc pull its funding?"

[Ruby:] "No, they will pull their funding on their own because you, LAWL's majority owner, will have been shown to have no integrity. I won't tell them to do a thing cause they think exactly like me already. It's not influence I wield, Gloria, it's a common philosophy. I can guarantee you that they are as angry about your sham tonight as I am. So if you want to keep LAWL afloat, you'll start showing some actual legitimacy in how you handle these situations. Cause right now, all I see is the head of LAWL trying to weasel her way out of facing the repercussions of her own poor decisions. That won't stand. We will not accept that. So I will be seeing you in the ring at the next show."

*Gloria just stares at Ruby.*

[Gloria:] "Fine. But it's going to be 2 out of 3 falls. I'm giving you the CHANCE to end this."

*Ruby looks even more shocked then before. Her eyes are bugging out.*

[Ruby:] "What!? You're just going to lay down for me?"

[Gloria:] "No, I didn't say that. But if you're so much better then me like you say, we can be done with this in one night. Your two falls will offset the one I had against you years ago. Of course, if I beat you again, it's over. Do we have a deal?"

[Ruby:] "And what if I beat you two falls to one? Then we are again at an impasse."

[Gloria:] "Then we have one final match, there has to be a winner."

[Ruby:] "Fine, deal. No tricks, Reyes, I still hold all the cards, you remember that."

*Ruby shakes Gloria's hand and walks away as Gloria has a look of exasperation on her face.*

Well then, that was a fun lession for the LA area summer speech debate teams!! But it's time to get to our next match! Angelica Hyde, one half of the A/S/L Tag Champions teams with her friend Marie Reyes, herself a former A/S/L Tag Champion in addition to former OMG Champ. They face the Jiminez Sisters who have came to LAWL on behalf of Cynthia San Martino to watch her back and take the A/S/L Titles from her former LMAO enemies. The Jiminez Sisters feuded with Angelica and Jacquelyn in the Dragon Isle Joshi promotion and the two teams are no strangers to each other. Marie is less familiar with them and is also in questionable health. She is still recovering from a particularly violent hardcore match against Cynthia in the GLITTER promotion. It is very unlikely she is at full health here but she promised Angelica she would have her back. Let's see how they stack up to the hungry Jiminez'z'z'z (I just got tired).

Match 5: Angelica Hyde/Marie Reyes vs. Jiminez Sisters

CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE MATCH!!!!!!

*POST MATCH SPOILERS - CLICK the "show" BELOW*

Spoiler show: And a huge win by the Jiminez Sisters!! There's no doubt that they should have earned an A/S/L Tag TItle shot after this match. Defeating Marie and a team with one of the Tag Champs themselves. The Jiminez Sisters are gonna be a hard team to -

Angelica/Marie (X) [German Suplex - 20:53] (O) Silvia/Tonia

And this isn't over! Cynthia San Martino has run out with a barbed wire bat and she's heading right for Marie!! Marie can barely move due to the punishment she has sustained and Angelica is doing her best to fight Cynthia off but the Jiminez Sisters grab her!! Luckily Iara Andrade dashes down to the ring and actually manages to spin kick the barbed wire bat out of Cynthia's hand as she's about to swing it into Marie's head! Iara then headbutts (!) Cynthia right in the bridge of her nose, sending her screaming at the top of her lungs (A potato just dropped a tater tot). She kicks Cynthia over the ropes with a spinning wheel kick, as Marie and Iara take care of the Jiminez Sisters with the help of Jacquelyn Hyde who made it to the ring just in time to stop Tonia from hitting Angelica with the barbed wire bat.

As the Jiminez Sisters back up the ramp with Cynthia, they face the three in the ring and shout menacing thing at them, not realizing they are backing INTO Alicia Gordon. It's too late for Cynthia to realize it as Alicia grabs her by the back of her head and SMASHES her face into a metal crowd barrier. Alicia screams - "that's for Marie...AND Iara." Iara looks at Alicia quizzically while the Jiminez Sisters immediately attack Alicia...but are actually driven off by none other then Grace Reyes!? Folks, you following all this? Cause I can barely believe it as I type some of it!!

Meanwhile Cynthia is lying unconscious in a pool of her own blood thanks to the headbutt by Iara and face smash by Alicia. The Jiminez Sisters realize this and stop brawling with Alicia and Grace, and drag Cynthia away. Alicia and Grace go to the ramp, staring uneasily at each other, and all the wrestlers in the ring exit out in anticipation of the main event. Marie tries to catch up to Iara who is still looking puzzled at Alicia's comments, but once again snubs Marie. The A/S/L Tag Champs actually stay on the ramp for the match, presumably to fend off any further attacks.

And it's time for the main event!! These two have some major history with each other. For starters, since Alicia and Marie Reyes are best friends and Grace is Marie's younger sister, there used to exist a family dynamic between Alicia and Grace. However, once she started to rise up in LAWL, she turned her back on both Marie and Alicia. Alicia was the one to eventually beat Grace for the 1337 Title and the two fought against each other vigorously during the ROFL vs. LMAO feud. As much as Grace hated Jaquelyn Archer, she hated Alicia Gordon even more. And that begs the question, especially with what happened moments ago, what kind of mental place is Grace in against Alicia. Have the two forgiven each other? Or does that blood still burn? And what of Grace coming to Alicia's aid before? Former friendship rekindled or Grace not wanting this match's integrity to be jeapardized. Let's find out!

Match 6: OMG Title Tournament - Finals

Alicia Gordon vs. Grace Reyes

CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE MATCH!!!!!!

*POST MATCH SPOILERS - CLICK the "show" BELOW*

Spoiler show: Both were extremely tired from their earlier matches and the fight before this one, but they still put on a classic! However, the 'old Grace' came back after her frustration in putting Alicia away!! She tried to take the easy way out or just snapped. However, when you snap against Alicia Gordon, you better be prepared to get snap backed! As the weapon attack caused Alicia to "wake up" and go on a tirade, putting the match away with a move we haven't seen from her in a while, a Tiger Suplex!

Alicia Gordon (O) [Tiger Suplex - 15:51] (X) Grace Reyes

Alicia and Grace stare across the ring from each other, not knowing how to act after Grace's weapon use and Alicia's hyper aggression. Alicia takes a deep breath and walks over to Grace, offering her hand. Grace looks at her, then looks down and sighs in disgust. She shakes her head no, still looking down, and leaves the ring. Alicia shrugs her shoulders while Grace looks despondent walking back up the aisle backstage. The fans give her a mixed reaction but start cheering Alicia once Grace leaves. Alicia raises her hands in the air and then motions around her waist as if she's ready for her OMG Title shot. Jenny McLanahan, the OMG Champion comes out and then nods to Alicia. The show ends with the two of them locked in a stare and the crowd roaring.

VaLAWLentine's Day 2010

2010-04-20T00:46:00.006-04:00

Special message from Gloria Reyes: "Orochi-O's. Inc struck again. Apparently it wasn't enough that we had to wait for the 2009 calender year to end to be free of their treacherous legal tactics. The fact that we share wrestlers with them, even ones that don't appear tonight, gave them enough legitimacy to stall the distribution of this show. We believe the matter to be done but as long as Holly is Holly, we are confident they will find new legal ways to impede us.

The LAWLitorium is adorned in ~~Love Day~~ VaLAWLentine's Day decorations. And as part of the festivities, everyone in the audience gets one of those disgusting tasting candy hearts as a treat! Choke on the acidity of love! The only sweetness that matters tonight is success in the ring!

(We really need to get that grumblestiltskin of a disembodied narrator fixed!)

Some people love snowballs, and this next wrestler would certainly agree! Kata Mary is a favorite of the crowd and has grown to LOVE LAWL like only a rolling thing could! But her opponent has never shown any signs of emotion other then disappointment and spite. Pea Shooter came to LAWL to kick her fellow vegetables butts into shape. She has grown frustrated in recent months with her lack of progress and seeks to take it out on Kata Mary which 9 out of 10 vegetable psychologists agree is a healthy way of working out angst.

Match 1: Kata Mary vs. Pea Shooter

Pea Shooter comes into this match looking a little annoyed, even seeming to complain to Tilda that she should be facing one of those ”spoiled greens”. Kata Mary however seems to have learned a bit from her previous matches against her, as the first few minutes of the match consists mostly of Pea Shooter going for strikes and takedowns, with Mary rolling out of the way or countering into a variety of rollups, which seems to anger Pea and have her make more mistakes. Kata Mary then goes on the offensive, even getting a close near fall from a rolling german suplex before Pea Shooter turns the tide with a … pea? Yes, a big pea-shaped glove to the eyes as Kata Mary goes to pick her up. Pea quickly capitalizes with a knee to the midsection while Mary is blinded and rolls her up for an ironic pin after a little over ten minutes.

And next up is one of LAWL's success stories. Patata Frita - a former LAWL A/S/L Tag Champion and one of the beloved Las Potatodoras who suffered a brutal attack by BEES a few shows (or years) ago. But due to the inspiration of Mitsuharu Misawa, Frita became Frita Verde - increasing her fan support by like decibels of screaming children! However she is not here to celebrate her recent increase of popularity but to confront LAWL's newest health hazard - Lord Broccoli. Broccoli and its underling, Collie Flower debuted at the previous show, soundly defeating Apples&Oranges (literally) in a match. But then noisily beating up on Las Platanos Microonda in a shocking turn of events, especially since it was the Platanos sworn enemies, Las Potatodoras who came to their aid...just seconds after losing to then in a match! Following all this!? No? Good!! Let's get to the ring! What a waste THAT paragraph was...jeez. I don't get paid by thes words here, people. Stop me when I'm losing you!

Match 2: Patata Frita Verde vs. Lord Broccoli

This was a 'by the numbers' match if your number of choice happens to be irrational. Patata and Broccoli awakened some hidden fury in each other, resulting in a very physical and dangerous affair for anyone sitting at ringside. Chairs were thrown, candy hearts eaten with with blatant disregard to one's taste buds, and a ring bell used to simulate a dinner bell to get into Frita's mind and play on its fears. Broccoli then used the bell to clock Frita upside the head. As Frita lay recovering, Lord Broccoli went around the ring stealing all of the VaLAWLentine's Day candy that LAWL provided - claiming it was bad for the kids and that they should eat vegetables instead. (Sidenote: It's odd to see a pro wrestling heel that blatantly steals stuff from children but that the parents actually sorta approve of.).

While Broccoli was doing this and the ref was busy counting to 20 (over 0), Collie Flower came from underneath the ring and laid Frita out with a low blow!! Healthy lifstyle, indeed!! As Broccoli came back inside the ring to take advantage of its fallen opponent, it was shocked that Patata actually kicked out of a pin! The crowd went wild and began to rally Patata to victory! But as Patata loaded up the "Loaded Baked Potato", Collie Flower grabbed him by the feet. The ref saw this and was very close to disqualifying Broccoli - but then all heck broke loose! Verde's teammates, Dulce and Espacial came down to the ring to clear Collie Flower out. But as this was happening, none other then Pea Shooter snuck down to ringside on the floor level (rather then the ramp) slid into the ring and plastered Patata Frita Verde with a Power of the Pea punch to the head!! Broccoli made the cover and got the shocking, enraging pin!! It was then a 3 on 2 situation as with Frita down, Dulce and Espacial fell to Broccoli, Collie, and Pea Shooter!! It appears we have a new unit in LAWL - filled with nutrients and malice!

You know, LAWL fans. If you are what you eat - I'd avoid vegetables here unless you want to turn into a withered husk of an individual!! It's VaLAWLentine's Day and our beloved potatoes have been laid out! I thought things were supposed to get LESS serious and violent in LAWL now! Oh wait...just on the top of the card? You mean the midcard actually has a story now? Weird.

Speaking of the top of the card - we now turn to a very promising match between two of LAWL's best. Angelica Hyde is 1/2 of the Jacquelyn-Hyde Connection, the current A/S/L Tag Champions! Grace Reyes is a former dominant 1337 Champion who looks to be on a serious hunt for the OMG Title. These two have fought in the recent past on competing sides during the ROFL vs. LMAO war and one would think some bad blood still remains. But can they look past it and put all their energy into competition to strive to progress in this tournament? Let's find out.

Match 3: OMG Title Tournament - First Round.

Angelica Hyde vs. Grace Reyes

CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE MATCH!!!!!!

*POST MATCH SPOILERS - CLICK the "show" BELOW*

Spoiler show: An incredible effort by both women as they kicked out of each other's best moves and continued fighting despite the high amount of damage suffered in a relatively short time. Highlights included the "Halo Bomb" and the "Fall from Grace". In the end, Grace's stone hands picked up the win.

Angelica Hyde (X) ["Tip of Grace" - 13:47] (O) Grace Reyes

One can just hope that her heart is not of stone, on this day of days. Though rumors of her relationship with her mentor Jo Ryder are Robinesque in nature.

Our next match involves four wrestlers relatively new to the LAWL ring. On one side we have two rookies and on the other side, two veterans who just came to LAWL. The Jimimez Sisters have been a major force in Dragon Isle Joshi and came to LAWL on the request of their old friend, Cynthia San Martino. Of note is that the Jiminez'z'z'z have a lot of Dragon Isle history with our current A/S/L Champions. And that history isn't of the 'let's look at old photos and laugh at how awkward we used to look...and then make out' variety. (That's what girls do, when they hang out, right?) Their opponents are an odd combination of general rookies, though Canada Meg is quickly becoming a true pro in the ring. She has been taken under the wing by former OMG Champion and LAWL Legend Ruby Moreno and is becoming quite the tag wrestler. Some say she has a chance of being a career tag wrestler, the likes of Bobbi Eatin or Arm Colanderson. (sorry, really). She came very close to winning the A/S/L Titles with Juli Tanaka at DeLAWLiday so we're getting the sense she has some talent here. However, her partner is a total rook. Pirate cabingirl Anne O'Malley has been in about 3 matches and lost them all due to loss of concentration and lack of killer instinct (as described by her Captain, 1337 Champion, Lucy Cutlass). Can Meg get Anne to focus here or is this just gonna be a mess?

Match 4: Meg/Anne vs. Jiminez Sisters

Clean up in the mess hall. Aisle 3. Anne was not at all ready for the level of competition and aggression that are the Jiminez'z'z'z. While Meg did well in her own right, even isolating Sylvia Jiminez for a while, when Anne came in she gave up any advantage they had. Meg did manage to score a powerslam for a 2 count but once she tagged out, that was the end of the match. The Jiminez put Anne away with a double enziguri and Meg could do nothing but watch and sigh. Wrestling Psychology 201 (the Tag class) states that if you're gonna be a Bobbi Eatin, it helps to have a Berry Winham. Anne O'Malley - you're no Berry Winham. But the fans seem to like her so she hasn't gotten fired yet, at least not by LAWL. Her position on Lucy's ship is a different story (though not really since she's Jack Flint's niece and pretty secure in that case). Yea, more sentences wasted!

What do you say we get to the main event which will likely be worth it.

Jacquelyn Archer, the other half of the A/S/L Tag Champions is set to face the most violent woman (not vegetable) in LAWL - Cynthia San Martino. Cyn Cyn is none too happy at the way Jacquelyn's friends Marie and Alicia have been standing up to her and she intends to take it out on Archer. But Jacquelyn is staring Cyn Cyn right in the face and doesn't appear to be scared of her. However, when Cynthia pulls out a heart shaped SHANK, Archer's expression changes to more wary, but still not fear. Martino laughs and it looks like maybe Archer gained her respect...no, no, she just threw a candy heart in Archer's eyes. Great. This match is starting!

Match 5: OMG Title Tournament - First Round.

Jacquelyn Archer vs. Cynthia San Martino

CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE MATCH!!!!!!

*POST MATCH SPOILERS - CLICK the "show" BELOW*

Spoiler show: An absolute war was had here. Archer remains one of the few women on the LAWL roster to not be even slightly intimidated by San Martino. That makes her and well...Alicia and...maybe a potato? And Archer, like Marie eventually did, showed that when you aren't afraid of Cynthia, a lot of her edge wears off, especially against superior wrestling, striking, AND speed. Archer really is the complete package in the ring and got the win by actually making Cynthia GIVE UP.

Jacquelyn Archer (O) [Koji Max Hold - 19:55] (X) Cynthia San Martino

But even though the match is over, Cynthia didn't give up the fight!! As she is now attacking Archer after the bell! Luckily for her, Angelica Hyde and Marie Reyes come down to the ring. But wait - here are the Jiminez Sisters!! And we have a 6 woman brawl here to close out a show based on LOVE! What is with LAWL!? Must be all those angry vegetables turning everyone's hearts to dry roots!!

That all said. Even with all the violence tonight, the entire arena breathed a sigh of relief to have gone an entire VaLAWLentine's Day without any interference from a Goose. If THAT isn't a sign that LAWL loves its audience, nothing is. You can thank me later :)

Or at the next show! Where LAWL is bringing a HUGE card as the #1 Contenders tournament kicks into high gear with the semifinals and finals on the same night. Also, Ruby Moreno gets her long awaited rematch with Gloria Reyes! And probably more!! See you then (and hopefully within this calendar year!).

HaLAWLoween 2009 (in 2010)

2010-01-20T09:48:00.011-05:00

Special LAWLive show - HaLAWLoween 2009

Special message from Gloria Reyes: Gone, but not forgotten was Orochi-O's Inc. despite Holly's loss at DeLAWLiday. So angered were they at their stipulated and forced removal from LAWL that Orochi Geese actually held this show back using unscrupulous legal tactics. Our contract with them was supposed to be terminated at will, a power we held from the start, but Geese did everything in his power to stall and, inevitably, prevented this show from being aired worldwide during the 2009 calendar year. However, we finally are able to move on completely free of any dispute and so without further ado, we bring you HaLAWLoween 2009!

*We open in the LAWLitorium where Gloria is standing in the middle of the LAWL ring with a microphone. She is wearing a "Where's Waldo" costume.*

[Gloria:] "I'd like to thank the fans, the wrestlers backstage, Ruby Moreno, and our new financial backers, the Destiny Corporation. They have been so generous as to not only fund our internationally distributed DVD shows, but to also record some of the smaller shows that we have traditionally done over the years to give all of our roster a chance to shine. These events used to be dark and limited to our local audience, but thanks to this new funding, we are now calling these LAWLive shows which will air on our website. Along with matches, we will also hear from wrestlers and myself at times when announcements are necessary. Such as right now."

[Gloria:] "With Jenny McLanahan's DeLAWLiday challenger defeated and deservedly exiled from LAWL, it is finally time to move on to greater horizons. However, the question of who will challenge Jenny next is unclear due to the high level of competition over the previous few shows. So what I have decided to do is hold an 8 woman tournament to determine who gets the next shot at the LAWL OMG Title."

[Gloria:] "The first round will consist of these four matches: Marie Reyes vs. Iara Andrade, Alicia Gordon vs. Lucy Cutlass, Jacquelyn Archer vs. Cynthia San Martino, and Grace Reyes vs. Angelica Hyde. I warn every wrestler involved that any interference in these matches will lead to suspensions. The first two matches will occur tonight with the next two occurring on the Thanksgiving edition of LAWLive. And then the semifinals and finals will happen at LAWLiday 2010. The resulting #1 contender will then challenge Jenny McLanahan at the following DVD show in a co-main event shared with myself taking on Ruby Moreno."

[Gloria:] "Speaking of Ruby, she suggested I wear this outfit for Halloween and I felt it fitting given her recent comments. I hope that once we have our match, she gets her frustration with me out of her system and goes back to her pursuit of LAWL Championship gold. And then I can go back to staying behind the scenes and allow the WRESTLING in this great promotion to speak for itself. Thank you all and I am looking forward to a very strong year in 2010."

*Gloria leaves the ring and it is filled shortly by Patricia Jackson and Maxine Warner. PJ is wearing a banana costume and Maxine is wearing what appears to be a detective outfit with a big hat and trench coat. While Maxine's costume is a bit, 'on the nose', the fans appear confused as to PJ's. Perhaps it will be explained later in the show? In any case, to the match!*

Match 1: PJ vs. Maxine Warner

The banana costune is actually a pretty helpful defensive cushion for PJ as it not only helps break her falls but it keeps her a respectable distance from Maxine, allowing for increased sanity. Although PJ appears less concerned about Maxine in comparison to many other opponents, perhaps cause she thinks Maxine would make a good comfy bedtime partner. Or perhaps cause PJ herself is a bit nuts as she IS dressed as a banana. In any case, all this narrative is really just to distract from the reality of Maxine thrashing PJ in a disturbing and loud fashion. Maxine also puts various ringside things in her pocket and you could almost sense that somewhere in, say, New York, someone is angrily yelling: "That's my gimmick!". But it can be forgiven for this night as it is HaLAWLoween and Maxine's name rhymes with that which is how I chose her to win. The fact that she got absolutely hyper freaked out of her mind on HaLAWLoween candy only made it even more of a sure thing. For those detail-minded, Maxine won by placing a plastic Jack-O-Lantern toy over PJ's head and dropkicking it, getting an easy pin. As this caused PJ to fall asleep, both of them could be called winners. But in a much more real sense, only Maxine was.

*After a short break (taking PJ backstage and picking up the fallen candy), new entrance music starts. Very flowery, orchestral music that you'd imagine high society would enjoy. The ring announcer introduces "Lord Broccoli and CoLAWLie Flower." And well, you can just IMAGINE what these two pieces of work look like. Their opponents are perennial ~~jobbers~~ fan-favorites, Orange Julia and Apple Betty. Apple Betty is wearing a Knushnood Betty costume (complete with stylish hair) and Orange Julia is wearing chef attire on top of her USUAL costume. As for their opponents, apparently it's a vegetable thing not to wear Halloween costumes and the two newcomers are simply wearing their own cellulose and roots in an open display of nature. One could even call it a "weedrobe malfunction" if one were apt to make infuriating puns.*

Match 2: Orange Julia/Apple Betty vs. Lord Broccoli/CoLAWLie Flower

This is a rout. Lord Broccoli appears to be the leader of the two and was especially violent against it's fruit opponents. In fact, we learned towards the end of the match, when Apple was rallying, that Lord is able to speak in human language, making it one of the few members of LAWL's Produce Aisle to have achieved that accomplishment. This alone, not to mention the hurtful words towards Apple ("You lack nutrients!") took Orange and Apple by surprise and even made Apple cry a bit. As this was happening, Lord and CoLAWLie hit a powerbomb/neckbreaker combination we're gonna call the "Leafy Spleens." for now til one of their handlers yell at me for such a bad name. Apple Betty is pinned in about 10 minutes, as a result (of the move, not the bad name).

*Lord Broccoli and CoLAWLie Flower stand over their defeated opponent, kick her a bit, until Orange enters the ring to try to save her partner, only to get "Leafy Spleen't" herself. Fruit altruism = what does it get ya? Curb stomped, that's what.*

Speaking of violence, our next encounter features a rematch from a long time ago. Lucy Cutlass defeated Alicia Gordon to win the 1337 Title but she did it with a lot of help, namely her SwashBuckLAWLer allies. But this time, we are sure to have a 1 on 1 situation. And Alicia Gordon comes to the ring with a confident smile, almost a smirk, as the fans look on wary. But you'd never know from Lucy's expression that she was in any danger or did anything wrong to prompt that lack of danger, as she is coming off a 4 match winning streak and her own title is not on the line here. Hey, exactly WHERE is all this analysis coming from anyway? No one was assigned as commentator and this isn't the second person DVD format!? What the hec-"

Match 3: OMG Title Tournament - First Round.

Alicia Gordon vs. Lucy Cutlass

CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE MATCH!!!!!!

*POST MATCH SPOILERS - CLICK the "show" BELOW*

Spoiler show: Lucy lost but definitely had her best legitimate effort ever. It was clear that Alicia refused to lose this match but I think everyone had to be impressed with Lucy's resiliency and effort here. But it is Alicia who moves forward in the tournament to face the winner of Marie and Iara.

Alicia Gordon (O) [Moonsault Footstomp - 16:18] (X) Lucy Cutlass

Interesting to note is that Alicia does not follow up with an attack on Lucy after the match is over. She just goes back to the locker room and does not give in to any potential desires for revenge after the way Lucy cost her the 1337 Title.

*The Potatoes come to the ring next...apparently proving that it's only GREEN vegetables that refuse to dress up for Halloween. (ok yeah yeah cawliflower isn't green but I SAID Lord Broccoli is the leader there so draw the inference! DRAW IT!). And this year they have come as the Los Tres Mosqueteros - that's the 3 Musketeers, not some rival of the bee wrestlers. Los Platanos come down wearing their traditional "Plátanos en pijamas" attires. It may be unoriginal but it also is responsible for more HaLAWLoween sales then just about any other gimmick. The fans boo their unoriginality and then proceed to buy their merchandise in droves. See? Some of the fans also appear to be muttering about Patricia Jackson - could it be that her and the Bananas dressed up as each other this year? Now it (kinda sorta maybe) makes sense! And we're ready for the match!*

Match 4: Las Potatodoras vs. Las Microondas Platanos

Patata Frita Verde is in the corner of Patata Dulce and Espacial in this slight flavor twist of the classic recipe of potatoes vs. bananas. The fans are all riled up for this and happy that the first edition of this new show respects LAWL tradition. Potatoes have the advantage early due to the bananas not really knowing how to deal with Patata Espacial (it comes from space...) but after they figure out that NO species or region of potatoes like being hit in the groin...repeatedly...with weapons, they gain some control. The lack of Frita here may be hurting the Potatoes but Especial and Dulce are trying to hang on until, tragedy strikes. Well, more like a BANASPLOSION from the top rope on Dulce. (the one on Espacial didn't work as well since she's used to being up high. Again...the space thing). Sabroso holds Espacial back as Cascara pins Dulce. And just like that, the Bananas add a big win in their eternally long quest to ~~break through the midcard~~ defeat their archrivals.

Las Potatodoras look disappointed but are surprised when none other then Lord Broccoli and CoLAWLie Flower arrive to chat with them and console them over their loss. However, the surprise truly comes in when the bulk of the "consolation" comes in the form of beating Los Platanos down with chairs! "NOT THIS WAY" a tearful fan wearing a "Bananaman" shirt yells. The Potatoes do not know what to do as while Los Platanos are their sworn enemies (a hatred forged in the very creation of the universe) there's a lot of violence that they do not appove of occurring right now. The potatoes re-enter the ring to try to reason with the Broccoli and Cawliflower wrestler (just take that phrase in for a second. There? Ok.)...but are just pushed aside while Lord Broccoli cries out: "Do not dismay! THIS is how one deals with disobedient fruit!" And just like that, one can tell by the blank expressions of Las Potatodoras that LAWL will never be the same again. Lord and Flower leave while Las Potatodoras try to make sense of this apparently senseless (on SO many levels) beating.

*As the area is cleared, Marie Reyes comes down in preparation for her match with Iara Andrade. Marie is wearing a sheep herders uniform and carrying a small stuffed lamb, which she gives to one of the kids (wearing a Kata Mary outfit) sitting up front. The audience "awwes", making her blush a bit but proving her spot as longtime fan favorite. She grabs a microphone and begins talking when Iara Andrade, apparently dressed as a joyless capoeira wrestler, walks down the aisle and enters the ring.*

[Marie:] "Iara...I tried talking to you after DeLAWLiday but you stormed out of the locker room after our match was over. Please, just hear me out. I know we're set to wrestle and I don't want you to hold back but I want you to know I'm truly sorry for what Cynthia did to you when we were kids. I already tried to explain my side but there's nothing more I can do."

*Iara grabs the mic.*

[Iara:] "Yeah there is, let me pin you to advance in the tournament. Cause when I get past you and Alicia and Martino wins her two matches, I can finally face her 1 on 1 after all these years."

[Marie:] "If this wasn't a tournament for the OMG Title, I'd step aside for you. I'd even ask Gloria that you get a match with Cynthia. But I can't hurt the credibility of the OMG Title's by giving you, or anyone else, a bye. Even if that means having to face Alicia in the next round, I'm here to do my best."

[Iara:] "Then it looks like we all know what our old friendship is worth. But as one last gesture from me, since I don't want you stabbing any more friends in the back and acting the victim, I'll make sure you won't have to face anyone in the next round...cause you ain't getting there."

*Iara angrily throws the mic down and goes to her corner as the audience oohs at her tough line. Marie sighs and tries to focus herself. The kid in the audience hugs the lamb to show support for Marie. I'm pretty sure that's gonna give her some kind of stat boost in the match.*

Match 5: OMG Title Tournament - First Round.

Marie Reyes vs. Iara Andrade

CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE MATCH!!!!!!

*POST MATCH SPOILERS - CLICK the "show" BELOW*

Spoiler show: The crowd is shocked. Not only did Iara pick up her first LAWL victory, she did it against the former OMG Champion Marie Reyes. And she did it with STYLE. Iara just proved herself to be a real force to be reckoned with and if she's gunning for Cynthia, Cyn-Cyn better need to watch her back. Cause Iara can GO in that ring.

Marie Reyes (X) [Kuramahachiryuu - 23:19] (O) Iara Andrade

And we're done!! Join us in a month or so for the next two matches of the OMG Tournament and to see if that whole fruit/vegetable story will actually go somewhere for a change!

DeLAWLiday

2009-10-22T03:30:00.004-04:00

LAWL presents DeLAWLiday 2009.

Originally held: Sunday, October 4th, 2009
Released on DVD: Sunday, October 22nd, 2009

DVD transmitted in english and spanish
El DVD transmitido en inglés y españlawl

LAWL is back and the new DVD is here! In your very mail box!! Check it out, you'll find it's indeed the DeLAWLiday DVD and not a nasty surprise like the neighborhood kids left in the mailbox last week! No turpentine scrubbing for YOU this weekend!

Let's get down to business and by that, you mean fun!! You DO mean fun, right? LAWL got the right address this time? That poor ole lady who got the HaLAWLoween DVD...whoo boy. She's still screaming about it to her bridge club. But not this time, this time everything is all right. In fact, you're immediately excited about the DVD cover!

Well enough talking to yourself like the doctor said! Let's get this baby started! You make it to the Scene Selection fairly easily without too many confusing graphics or annoying ads. Having a potato stripping down really is unnecessary for "DVD Extras" and you hope it isn't being anywhere near accurate. Let's see what we got here!

Scene Selection Menu

Scene 1 - Show Introduction
Scene 2 - 1337 Title Championship match.
Scene 3 - Backstage at the LAWLitorium with the A/S/L Champions
Scene 4 - Lucky Lupe vs. Grace Reyes
Scene 5 - Ruby Moreno speech to LAWL locker room
Scene 6 - Marie/Iara/Alicia vs. Cynthia/Jiminez Sisters
Scene 7 - Pre-match between Juli Krieger and Gloria Reyes
Scene 8 - Juli Krieger vs. Gloria Reyes
Scene 9 - Pre-match for A/S/L Tag Championship
Scene 10 - A/S/L Tag Championship match
Scene 11 - OMG Championship
Scene 12 - End of Show

Bonus Features Menu

Bonus 1 - Dark Match: Los Potatodoras vs. Bees
Bonus 2 - Special interview: Patata Frita
Bonus 3 - Dark Match: Anne O'Malley vs. Kata Mary
Bonus 4 - Post-show message from Gloria Reyes

You raid the fridge and medicine cabinet to have ample supplies. This show should be a humdinger and you want to make sure you're ready with the chips when the potatoes come and ready for the meds if that rabbit pops up again. So as the fate of the universe hinges on your next move, you press "Play All" and buckle your safety belt novelty toy.

1 - Show Introduction

We're brought to the stage where Willa W. Webb and Dottie Comms are standing there with microphones.

[www:] "Welcome to DeLAWLiday where LAWL's very fate may be decided!"

[.com:] "Darn it, Willa, I said ease them in with HUMOR, not fatalistic predictions of ApocaLAWLypse!"

[www:] "I missed the memo."

[.com:] "Wonderful! Now that you got everyone scared - might as well go with it."

[.www:] "Well the fate of LAWL may seem like typical pro wrestling hyperbole-"

[.com:] "Hyper-what? Is that a new finisher name for FIASUKO?"

[.www:] "It may seem exaggerated but if Jenny McLanahan does not win her match and retain her LAWL OMG Title tonight, LAWL may very well be destroyed or humiliated so thoroughly that it wishes it were destroyed. Holly has said that she plans on taking that title to OG-Joshi and dumping it in the trash..."

[.com:] "And given what lies in their garbage due to Sandy Morton's excretions, no one will want that title again for sure..."

[.www:] "Ew. But you're right. After years of Ruby Moreno and others, like Jenny, establishing the LAWL Title as a Top women's Title, Holly could destroy that credibility with one fell swoop, throwing it away and declaring it as meaningless. And perhaps getting a Goose to do unspeakable things with it. And with the credibility of our top title goes our very promotion.

[.com:] "Yeah cause even the potatoes 'contributions' will be called into question if our OMG Title gets trashed! No, they've worked TOO HARD!"

[.www:] "LAWL has fans of both our comedic and serious styles and if we lose the latter, we may not have enough funding to entertain the former. Plus, since Holly will still technically be the OMG title holder, she could really do what she wants as our "champion."

[.com:] "Well it seems to me that we're in big trouble then!"

[.www:] "The worst part is this - Orochi Geese funds our DVD's. So even if Holly loses tonight, he may strongarm us in the future for her to get another shot."

[.com:] "But didn't she agree that she'd leave LAWL forever if she lost tonight?"

[.www:] "Geese's DVD contract with us leaves us open to various manipulations and deceptions. The fine print is Holly's TRUE finisher."

[.com:] "So she's not the one with the "Hyper belly" or whatever you called it?"

[.www:] "Well folks, if you're even viewing this DVD, you have to wonder why."

[.com:] "LAWL, you could say THAT again!"

[.www:] "No, I mean are you ABLE to watch this cause LAWL somehow persevered...or is it because Orochi Geese proudly presented this as another in the long line of accomplishments for his girlfriend."

[.com:] "Yikes - so basically, if this is being watched right now, chances are Holly won. Otherwise they wouldn't want to show her lose. Fans, as much as I hate to say this - I kinda hope that, for once, you aren't ogling me right now! I know...SHOCKING."

[.www:] "I for one am a bit unsettled by that statement. So much so that we'd better get to the actual matches and hope for a DeLAWLiday miracle!!!"

[.com:] "Oh I hope a bearded man comes down MY chimney-"

[.www:] "Let's get to the show!"

They walk off the stage as you ponder growing a beard. But you figure you'll start later.

2 - 1337 Title Championship match

FIASUKO looks motivated in her ginourmous Voltron entrance gear. Seriously, what an amazing sight - glad you're able to fully see this, it would suck to HEAR about such a thing and not be able to actually see it. Ah well. She won a #1 Contender match to get her this shot but she may not be the favorite here as Lucy Cutlass appears more angry then usual. She's muttering something about "Damn vampires" and "I'll cut him good" which surprisingly appears to be from Cynthia San Martino's book of quotes. You recall hearing about some Lucy's ship mate, Jack Flint, being attacked brutally in Japan by Jakob Furis but wonder as to the truth of that. Japan doesn't look too kindly on vampires and pirates, especially the latter. And besides, come on, Furis attacking someone for real? Nah, Lucy probably is haLAWLuccinating from scurvy or something. Either way, the fact remains that she smells blood in the water tonight and this match has broken out immediately upon her entrance!

Match #1: FIASUKO vs. Lucy Cutlass (c).

CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE MATCH!!!!!!

*POST MATCH SPOILERS - CLICK the "show" BELOW*

Spoiler show: FIASUKO really tested Lucy here and you could have sworn that we'd have a new 1337 Champion in this match but for what appears to be the third time in a row, Lucy steals herself a win. Although at least this time she did it without any illegal means or interference. She is slowly developing some credibility as champion which confuses and slightly arouses you. More one then the other.

FIASUKO (X) [School-girl - 14:28] (O) Lucy Cutlass

3 - Backstage at the LAWLitorium with the A/S/L Champions

*We cut to backstage. A DeLAWLiday banner is visible behind the reigning A/S/L champions, Jacquelyn Archer and Angelica Hyde, title belts draped over their shoulders and not yet in their ring gear except for Angelica's mask*

[Lyn:] Would you have believed it, when we made that open challenge? Ruby Moreno... and Canada Meg. When they say to be ready for anything in LAWL, they're not just talking about the produce...

And you accomplished something, Meg. You and Ruby beat us... our first loss as a tag team here in LAWL. And now you say you're taking our titles?

[Angelica:] Actually... Ruby was right in one thing – these titles MEAN something. We earned them in battle, and we'll fight anyone to keep them. These titles are no joke. WE are no joke. You want this gold, Ruby? It's not going to be that easy.

[Lyn:] When you make an open challenge, you make no excuses for being unprepared for a surprise opponent. But Ruby? Meg? See if you can beat us now... with gold on the line.

4 - Lucky Lupe vs. Grace Reyes

You've been waiting for this match for as long as you've been watching LAWL! Ever since Grace beat Lupe for the 1337 Title and recruited her to LMAO, you just knew in your heart of hearts that this match was going to happen. Especially after Lupe almost assaulted Grace in the locker room at the last show. And for what, you ask? ANGER. ANGER AT THE PAST.

Grace had manipulated Lupe for a long time, lying to her about her true intentions for LMAO and even her own support for Cynthia wrestling in other promotions. Through this, Lupe was put into the position of having to deny her own friends and students the proper respectful return to LAWL she wanted to give them. While they all forgave Lupe, she hasn't forgiven herself or Grace and now she's gonna try to get even. But where will Grace's head be? From her recent silence, she's attempted to ignore the entire situation and move beyond her LMAO past. Has Jo Ryder's recent tutelage played a factor in her new stoic behavior?

Wow you're really learning a LOT reading the info in the LAWL DVD insert, you almost sounded like you knew what you were talking about there!! Well, let's get to the match with that newfound knowledge that apparently you had been expected to learn or remember or care about in previous shows. Go Lupe...or Grace? GO LAWL!

Match #2: Lucky Lupe vs. Grace Reyes

CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE MATCH!!!!!!

*POST MATCH SPOILERS - CLICK the "show" BELOW*

Spoiler show: You have to say it - WOW. You never expected this match to be on the level it was. You knew these two could be competitive but WOW AGAIN, Lupe just wrestled the best match of her public LAWL career and Grace somehow managed to top her and pull out the win with a new finisher. In fact, these two former 1337 Champions look like they may be able to compete at the OMG level now, though you hope Lucy Cutlass doesn't hear you say that. You can't help but think that Jo Ryder's new tutelage was INDEED a factor here in Grace's ability to focus on the match itself and not let the personal situation with Lupe distract her. Not to mention some of her new maneuvers like the finisher. Seriously, don't mention it. "They'll" hear you. And they know where you live...or at least your DVD regional code setting.

Lucky Lupe (X) [Explosion of Grace - 21:50] (O) Grace Reyes

5 - Ruby Moreno speech to LAWL locker room

*We see a message "From earLAWLier today" on the screen as just about everyone in the LAWL Locker room (minus Holly's contingent and Cynthia San Martino) is sitting in chairs circled around Gloria Reyes. Ruby Moreno is standing on the side, leaning up against a locker room door with a smirk.*

[Gloria:] "I called you all here today for a few reasons. The first one is to thank you. You have made the LAWL dream a reality for so many years now and whatever happens tonight, every single one of you has contributed and is worthy of the gratitude of the fans and myself. From our Champions to our new wrestlers. From our potatoes to our bananas-"

[Ruby:] "From pea to shining pea."

*Gloria is annoyed by the interruption, but Pea Shooter looks proud to have been mentioned.*

[Ruby:] "Reyes, don't stand here and give us the "whatever happens, we'll have the memories" speech cause we're not going anywhere. Not tonight, not by the hands of Orochi-O's. All I need to know is one thing. McLanahan, you ready?"

*Camera zooms in on Jenny who is in the corner doing some light stretching. She simply nods to Ruby who nods back and refocuses on Gloria and the rest of the room.*

[Ruby:] "She isn't losing. Not after she beat me last time. Walker has no chance."

[Gloria:] "Ahem. Since my second reason for calling every one of us here was you-"

[Ruby:] "Yeah, thanks for the intro - nice to see you learned how to finally move out of the spotlight for me, only took about 5 years."

*Ruby winks as Gloria rolls her eyes.*

[Ruby:] "Tonight LAWL moves into a new era. There are some who would have you believe that era is irrelevancy, or embarrassment, or even nonexistence. But I'm here to say that as long as McLanahan does her thing, and you all do as well, we have nothing to worry about."

[Marie:] "But Ruby-"

[Ruby:] "Speak when spoken to, please."

*Alicia stands up.*

[Alicia:] "Unless you want to wear that locker room door as a necklace, you'll show some respect."

[Ruby:] "Gloria...please, control your tacky minions. This isn't OG-Joshi. Random outbursts of violence aren't seen as noble here, but psychotic."

[Gloria:] "Alicia, Let Ruby say what she wants and then anyone who wants to comment after, can."

*Marie pats Alicia on the back and Alicia sits back down.*

[Ruby:] "I want every single one of you tonight to go out there and do what you do on a regular basis. Only do it even BETTER then usual. We are banking on your full efforts tonight."

[Gloria:] "It is extremely important that every single one of you do your best."

[Ruby:] "Redundancy suits you, it's why you have two younger sisters, after all. But yes, it is indeed of the utmost importance that you all wrestle your hardest. Do not worry about Holly or Geese, worry about your own futures. And I will see to it that those futures will be fulfilled. That is all I can say at the moment."

*Ruby walks out as a lot of murmering is heard.*

[Gloria:] "I don't ask this very often, but for tonight, put your trust in Ruby. If for no other reason, then because I do. Just this one time."

*Gloria walks out as well. The wrestlers turn to each other and talk amongst themselves as the promo ends.*

Wow...that was...confusing! Ruby as a locker room leader, Gloria trusting her former rival? Pea Shooter getting mentioned in a main event level promo!? FASCINATING EVENTS.

6 - Marie Reyes/Iara Andrade/Alicia Gordon vs. Cynthia San Martino/????

And now we turn to a very important six woman match. You figure it's important, at least. It is the official in ring debut of Iara Andrade, the former friend of Marie Reyes and victim of Cynthia San Martino's bullying. Cynthia has said she was bringing in two "bitches from the block" which you take to me she took in two stray dogs. Heart of GOLD in her, you know? A major question remains though - can Marie and Iara get along? Marie apologized to Iara for not having her back fully when they were kids, even though it was Marie's parents who protected Marie and stopped her from being there when Iara was brutally beaten by Cynthia. But Iara refused the apology and is only in this match to get her hands on Cynthia. The next question is - can Alicia Gordon refrain from doing something worse to Cynthia, on behalf of Marie, then whatever got Cynthia in prison in the first place? Can she control her violence, for the sake of LAWL and her self? And who are Cynthia's partners already!?!

Well the second question is answered soon. Marie and Alicia come to the ring together receiving loud applause, followed by Iara who receives a mixed reaction. Cynthia comes out next and then calls out - well, who the heck DOES she call out?

[Cynthia:] "Tonia and Sylvia Jiminez - they got my back. We gonna cut yours, bitches."

That was the most direct threat of "back cutting" ever. So... you've heard of these two before, the notorious Jiminez sisters from Dragon Isle Joshi. They gave Angelica and Jacqueline quite a headache over in Japan for the past few years and they aren't pushovers. But what is the reason behind their alliance with Martino? Let's get to the ring and maybe we'll get another 10 page essay about the past lives and lies of LAWL wrestlers!

Match #3: Marie/Iara/Alicia vs. Cynthia/Jiminez Sisters

CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE MATCH!!!!!!

*POST MATCH SPOILERS - CLICK the "show" BELOW*

Spoiler show: No dramatic 3 act play but we did get a fun wrestling match out of it! One that ends when Marie is able to beat Cynthia San Martino for the second time, with the BuffaLAWL Sleeper. But you have to be impressed by the efforts of the Jiminez Sisters, as well as the restraint of Alicia and skills of Iara. You have a feeling these six women aren't quite done yet. And that feeling was tentatively formed by Iara Andrade smashing Cynthia with a wild capoeira style kick after the match was over, causing security to run out and seperate the two teams. Marie and Alicia leave on their own while Tonia and Sylvia taunt them into getting into the ring. But Marie is able to convince Alicia to walk backstage in a peaceful, if not unhealthily repressed, manner.

Iara/Alicia/Marie (O) ["BuffaLAWL Sleeper" - 30:33] (X) Cynthia/Tonia/Silvia

7 - Pre-match between Juli Krieger and Gloria Reyes

Up next is a big match for Gloria Reyes. For whatever confidence she may have in Ruby or the rest of the LAWL wrestlers, she has to be concerned tonight for her own well being. Last time she faced Juli Krieger, she had her neck severely injured as her team was beaten, giving Holly her title shot tonight. Can Gloria Reyes, a woman who has had just one match back since her long retirement, be able to fight the monster known as Juli Krieger? A woman who has only tasted defeat three times in her career? Twice by Alicia Gordon and once by Nicole Dramesi? And as that Dramesi loss was recent, does Gloria have a particularly more angry "Blitzkrieger" on her hands then usual? Again, LAWL DVD liner notes. MONEY.

Juli comes to the ring first to the biggest chorus of boos heard all night, well at least since the churro stand broke down, which apparently needed to be shown on the DVD. For like 20 whole minutes. Juli is just standing in the ring with a small mocking smile. BOO, you say, boo to her!

And then something odd happens, "Dies Irae" hits the speakers! That's Ruby Moreno's music, not Gloria's! Juli seems unfazed...perhaps cause she doesn't actually know who's music belongs to who in LAWL's, perhaps cause she likes classical music. It IS a good song, after all. And seeing as how it's Wolfgang Krauser's music, a fellow (fictional) German, Juli may be enjoying it.

But that enjoyment ends as Ruby Moreno comes out to ringside from behind her, turns her around and slaps her RIGHT in that big fat face of hers. The crowd ERUPTS in applause. Juli has been pushing around LAWL members for the last two years as a proxy of Holly, and to her own enjoyment, and she just got a burst of Ruby goodness! (not the kind you'd like, mind you, but still). Juli of course goes to attack, but Ruby keeps dodging and laughing at her. You've never seen Juli just PLAYED like this and she is getting increasingly frustrated. She finally pushes the referee, Tilda Uno, which causes Ruby to hit a low droplick to Juli's leg. And it looks like Tilda has no idea what to do and signals for the bell to be rung! We have an impromptu match!

8 - Juli Krieger vs. Ruby Moreno

Match #4: Juli Krieger vs. Ruby Moreno

CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE MATCH!!!!!!

*POST MATCH SPOILERS - CLICK the "show" BELOW*

Spoiler show: Rope a dope - it works. Ruby just wore Juli out, using her superior conditioning to weather the onslaught and wait for openings. And poor Krieger, she just don't run all that well. Ruby Moreno has completely dismantled and humilated Juli Krieger. And made her tap out.

Juli Krieger (X) ["Ruby Stretch" - 19:35] (O) Ruby Moreno

9 - Pre-match for A/S/L Tag Championship

Security comes in to escort Juli up the ramp and avoid any post match conflicts. Gloria Reyes has come out with two microphones and gotten into the ring across from Ruby. She hands Ruby a microphone."

[Gloria:] "When I said I'd trust you - THIS wasn't part of the bargain. Especially the part where you locked me into my locker room. Mind telling me...why?"

[Ruby:] "I defeated Holly's weapon, I fought for LAWL, and I perserved YOU for a greater purpose."

[Gloria:] "Me? For someone who says I hog the spotlight, you certainly like putting me in it."

[Ruby:] "When you returned to a LAWL ring, I deserved to be your first opponent back. For years I had to deal with you beating me and not giving me a rematch, only to watch you waltz back in and face off with scum like Krieger and Holly? Scum not worthy of being in THIS ring? No. Not any more. And nor was I going to allow you to get injured again by Krieger's hands. I took this match to make sure you stayed healthy, Reyes. Cause the next match you're in...will be against ME."

*Gloria shakes her head and begins to walk away.*

[Ruby:] "You don't walk away from me, Reyes! Not after all I've done for LAWL, not after all I'm about to do! I'll see to it! I'll get my match with you!"

*Gloria continues walking and passes Canada Meg who gets into the ring with Ruby. Meg shrugs her shoulders, unclear of what Ruby's previous match means for their title match coming up. The A/S/L Tag Champions, Jacquelyn-Hyde Connection come as well. They all look to Ruby.*

[Ruby:] "I won't apologize but I am unable to give my best right now and that would be unfair to all of us. However, tonight's actions were set up in advance. I have already spoke to Juli Tanaka and she will take my place in this match. Juli Tanaka's home promotion McPro, of which I was then a part of, was hit by the scourge of Orochi Army so she understood why I did what I had to tonight, and she agreed to be in this match to allow me the freedom to do it. Hyde, Archer, I owe you a match. But realize that what I did tonight was partially for you and the honor of those titles. I will come for them in the future when the Orochi distraction is gone."

*Ruby shakes Meg's hand and wishes her luck, then shakes the hands of the Champions. She seems legitmately respectful here and the fans are really giving her a hand. Juli Tanaka runs out and takes her place besides Canada Meg and it looks like we have a match!!

10 - A/S/L Tag Championship match

All four woman shake hands and we're ready for the Tag Championships!

Match #5 - Juli Tanaka/Canada Meg vs. Angelica Hyde/Jacquelyn Archer (c)

CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE MATCH!!!!!!

*POST MATCH SPOILERS - CLICK the "show" BELOW*

Spoiler show: Meg and Juli did a surprisingly good job of teaming here, having never done so in the past, but it wasn't enough to take out the long time LAWL A/S/L Tag Champions, a team that has become one of the strongest tag units in your recent memory - granted you eat a lot of sugar so you barely remembered why this match happened to begin with. But hey, that was a sweet ending, was it not? Angelica and Jacquelyn continue their reign.

Meg/Juli (X) [Delicious Teamwork - 23:44] (O) Angelica/Jacquelyn

11 - OMG Championship

And here we go. LAWL DVD notes, don't fail me now!

Jenny McLanahan - current OG-Joshi Tag Team Champion, current LAWL OMG Champion. The last defeat she suffered was actually to Holly in OG-Joshi. Since then she has gone undefeated for the last few years, including winning that OMG Title from Ruby Moreno in one of the best matches LAWL has ever had.

Holly - former 3 year OG-Joshi World Champion. Defeated recently by Visper Karr and hasn't been heard from publicly since then. Holly has beaten Jenny every time they have faced off in the ring. But tonight there is more on the line then ever.

Jenny has come down to the ring first, and she gets a huge ovation. The crowd is supporting her and doing everything they can to give her confidence. You join in and start clapping in unison until the neighbor from downstairs begins tapping your floor with a cane. Must be a Holly fan.

It appears that LAWL has brought in UBL, but independently minded, referee Anji. This should avoiud any favoritism from LAWL and as we've seen him not put up with Orochi Army antics, ensure the most even, non-biased match possible under the circumstances.

Holly comes out next and she has no sign of emotion on her face...until she looks at the scared looks on the faces of LAWL fans and starts laughing. She takes a mic.

[Holly:] "Oh I SO wanted to do the "angry, soulless" thing here but I can't look at you freaks and not laugh. McLanahan, easy way or hard way. I know you'd love bending over for me behind the scenes, why not just do it now and get it over with? Give me the title, we can even hold hands and throw it in the trash together. Heck, I'll even kiss you on the cheek and let you cop a feel. But come on. Be REASONABLE. Mercy killing LAWL is the only thing that will save your cred here. You know you can't beat me, you never have and tonight the failure of an entire promotion will rest on your shoulders. Think you can live with that, hun?"

*Jenny just motions Holly on with her hands...and a finger.*

[Holly:] "Fine, wanna get humiliated? Be my guest. Folks, enjoy your last LAWL match ever. Well, try to act like you enjoy it for their sake. I'm probably never gonna even watch this match again myself, and will take a long shower after it's over."

Holly looks around, shrugs her shoulders, and goes into the ring. Jenny immediately goes up to her and stands nose to nose. Holly makes a kissing motion, Jenny CHOPS her on the chest (future family-friendly versions of this DVD may have Holly attacking but we all know "Jenny shot first!") and we're off!! The LAWL OMG Championship and the FATE OF TOMORROW is now in Jenny's hands...and your eyes. Don't blink :o

Match #6 - Holly Walker vs. Jenny McLanahan (c)

CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE MATCH!!!!!!

*POST MATCH SPOILERS - CLICK the "show" BELOW*

Spoiler show: Jenny did it!! After years of being taunted and beaten by Holly, Jenny has retained her LAWL OMG Championship! And she broke Holly's arm in the process!! That shoulder injury left her weaker then usual but you gotta give credit where credit is due - Jenny earned this victory on her own and even if she hadn't snapped Holly's arm, there was no way Holly would have resisted. And that is because Holly never tapped out here, rather, she passed out. The pain was too great. Unlike in the past when Holly was able to hang on til Jenny got frustrated, Jenny kept with it and put the match away on her own. She has defeated Holly and in true championship form. A match like this has proven to you that not only can LAWL compete with promotions like OG-Joshi for main events, but LAWL has a unique heart that- oh man, those LAWL DVD notes are addicting!

Holly (X) ["Disc 3 Spoiler" - 27:07] (O) Jenny McLanahan

12 - End of Show

The dust has settled, the smoke has cleared (Kids, don't smoke!) and the Title has been decided. But the drama, oh the drama has just begun!

*Jenny and Holly remain in the ring. Especially Holly as is still unconscious! Orochi Geese and Kyle Walker runs out from backstage along with Genji Security who surround the ring. Jenny is smart enough to grab her OMG Title and slide out of harm's way. She quickly goes over to the stage area as the fans are on their feet applauding her efforts and victory. As some medics and Kyle begin to revive Holly, Geese angrily takes the microphone.

[Geese:] "No more games. If Holly is forced to leave LAWL, Orochi-O's will follow. No more funding, no more marketing, no more DVD's. You'll go back to the backwater fed you were and any meager success you've had these past few years, thanks to our money, will be forgotten within days. Obscurity will be your fate. Any OG-Joshi contracted talent will be taken back. And the remaining ones of any legitimate skill level will be bought by us. You will be left with an orange, a potato, and a broken dream."

*Gloria Reyes comes out, at first ignoring Geese, and hugs Jenny McLanahan. You can't be sure if Jenny copped a feel there but you hoped she did. Gloria raises Jenny's hand and the crowd, kinda shocked at Gloria's confidence in light of what Geese said, gives a mixed reaction. Cheers for Jenny but fear at the situation in front of them."

[Gloria:] "Allow me to introduce someone who you've become recently acquainted with, Geese."

*Ruby Moreno comes out to the stage with a smirk.*

[Ruby:] "How's that neck of yours, Geese? Jeff Monroe sends his regards."

*Geese seethes and grips the ropes to release tension. Holly slowly gets her consciousness back. Kyle helps her up.*

[Geese:] "Don't be a fool and exacerbate this. You need us. You need our money. And you need the clarity of purpose that only Holly can bring."

[Ruby:] "Clarity in chaos, you say? Ha, you're so contradictory when you're angry. But most of all, you're wrong. Money isn't the problem here, Geese. Not anymore. You may not know this, with you being a self-centered, pompous, overrated jackass, but I come from some money and influence myself. So I took control of the situation. I knew McLanahan would win and I knew you'd pull this power play. But I took it all on myself, I literally put my money where my mouth is. Because if you refuse to fund this show, I will. And I have plans to show tonight's product to a group of investors who have agreed to take over funding long term if they like what they see."

*Geese is enraged and Holly is shocked and confused.*

[Ruby:] "On one condition that is."

*Ruby turns to Gloria and smiles.*

[Ruby:] "You and me, one on one, in the ring at the next show. Or LAWL is left in Geese's hands... which likely stink of Holly."

*The crowd begins booing Ruby's opportunism.*

[Gloria:] "Are...you really putting a grudge over LAWL's existence?"

[Ruby:] "No, YOU are. For the second time. By delaying even a second, you are showing everyone your petty refusal to face me regardless if it ruins LAWL. It took us years to recover from you retiring with the OMG Title rather then facing me again. I had to rebuild the credibility that was robbed of it from your selfishness. So now, if you love LAWL, you will do this and give me my match or watch it perish."

[Gloria:] "Fine. You got your match with me."

[Ruby:] "I knew I would. And so Geese, you are no longer needed here. And I believe you and your defeated Army are no longer welcome here as a result of the contract for tonight. So be the irrelevent figurehead that you are and leave. Orochi-O's has been out played for the second time by me. The Guiding Light of LAWL has once again burned you all."

*Ruby laughs and leaves as Gloria and Jenny look on tentatively at the ring. Geese refuses to leave. Gloria suddenly whistles and the ENTIRE locker room piles out. Geese, Kyle, and Genji Security stand their ground but soon the numbers prove to be a problem, especially with Holly in the shape that she's in. Finally they make a quick retreat, as Genji Security do the best they can to hold the rampaging fruits and vetgetables back. The show ends with LAWL wrestlers standing tall in the ring as Jenny and Gloria raise each other's hands on the entrance ramp.

Meanwhile, you have a slew of DVD extras to get to and your pants are still up, so you know this viewing experience isn't quite over. But hey, it's good to know LAWL isn't dead!! And hopefully HaLAWLoween should be coming right around the block! Like that creepy neighbor who hands out discarded orange slices for Trick or Treating and calls it candy! You could go for some candy now....more sugar to forget the past few hours would be perfect!! But wait til after the DVD Extras, as you're sure more horrors will occur in the meantime!

DVD Extras

B1 - Dark Match: Los Potatodoras vs. Bees

Los Potatodoras vs. Bees

This starts off as a 3 on 2 match as apparently Patata Frita was injured at the previous show when the Bees made their LAWL debut and attacked Las Potatodoras. Patata Dulce and Patata Espacial are doing a good job here but it's not enough to fend off 3 bees. What is, really? However, just when it looks like the Bees are going to finish stinging the hapless potatoes, Patata Frita runs down to the ring! But...but he's partially green!! And he's hitting the bees with elbows!! (ever try to elbow a bee? NOT a good idea). This is insanity here and the Frita lays out each bee with a rolling elbow!! This match is over, potatoes win!!

Los Potatodoras (O) ["Loaded Baked Potato" - 12:15] (X) Bees

B2 - Special interview: Patata Frita

Dottie Comms here and besides me is the victorious, returning Patata Frita!! So, why are you green now?

*The potato makes mumbly potato noises.*

[.com:] "Bees?"

*The potato makes more mumbly potato noises.*

[.com:] "And Misawa san?"

*The potato nods.*

[.com:] "That's it?"

*The potato looks at her.*

[.com:]: "That's a wrap! Good luck to you!!"

That's the interview. It cost LAWL $2000.

B3 - Dark Match: Anne O'Malley vs. Kata Mary

Anne O'Malley vs. Kata Mary

Anne O'Malley is still getting her (long, shapely) ship legs under her and that's a bit difficult to do when your opponent keeps spinning around! Motion sickness, anyone? Anne fares a bit better then most in this situation due to her alleged time on the SwashBuckLAWLers ship but it's clear she doesn't yet have the level of in ring experience that Kata Mary has. Even with Captain Lucy Cutlass bellowing directions, Anne still needs a lot of work on her abilities and falls to Kata Mary's "Princess Press" - which is really just a name that sounds good cause you can't think of which move you want her to win with in a dark match against a rookie whose edit hasn't really been made yet. Summary - 5 star match.

Anne O'Malley (X) ["Princess Press" - 9:22] (O) Kata Mary

B4 - Post-show message from Gloria Reyes

We realize that the last few years have been tough on LAWL fans, with the atrocities and disrespect that Holly and her ilk have visited on us. But in the best traditions of professional wrestling, we can say with all our hearts -

IT'S A NEW DAY FOR WC...LAWL!!!!

I am pleased to announce that Ruby Moreno's business contacts have indeed signed onto produce future DVD's for us after seeing and enjoying the master copy of this show.

And so we will soon be bringing you a short HaLAWLoween show and then LAWLiday will be occurring this year at its regularly scheduled time. No delays due to Orochi-O's Inc. Our new business partners are committed to our product and allowing us to follow our vision. No interference, no unfair negotiation tactics. LAWL is again free to do what we do best. And I want to thank the fans for sticking with us during trying times. We have emerged stronger then ever.

- Gloria Reyes

Ok folks, nothing more to see here! Hope you enjoyed the show!!

HAWT NEWZ - Edition 1

2009-02-12T21:55:00.016-05:00

WeLAWLcome! This is the premiere edition of the LAWL Newsletter!

This is Willa Web and I'm bringing you the rootingest, tootingest news this side of the Oregon TraiLAWL! (Dottie Comms paid me to say that) I'd like to welcome you to our new LAWL project where we update you on the happenings of everyone's favorite vitamin-packed roster - LAWL is an important part of a balanced wrestling diet! (Really, it can't ALL be "grr strong style! Oof victory road!")

We're going to be bringing you a lot of different things in these newsletters - from match reports to interviews to FAN art...from real LAWL fans!! In fact, I'd like to start out with my personal favorite fan art from a Mr. WackyDeli who is obviously a big fan of Los Patatadoras!!

There's a statement we can ALL agree on...unless you're a platano! So now it's time to get to the first match report. Now even though the big LAWL shows are produced on DVD, that doesn't mean the LAWLitorium isn't running smaller shows all the time. Gloria Reyes likes to get some of the newer talent on these shows to get them in front of an audience and ready for the bright LAWLights of the DVD events! So what matches to pick to talk about?!

Since this newsletter is just as much BY the fans as it is for the fans, we wanted to have you send in the reports of which matches have been your favorites over the last few months since HaLAWLoween. You picked these four:

H vs. Canada Meg
Maxine Warner vs. Patricia Jackson
Las Potatodoras vs. Las Microonda Platanos
Juli Tanaka vs. Anne O'Malley

The fans that gave the most enthusiastic votes were allowed to send in match reports! So let's go check out the great recap we got from Nisan-DanFan! Take it away!

H vs. Canada Meg

NSDF: Wow, H looked beautiful here tonight against the not at all otaku Canada Meg! Meg tried to keep H. down with ground work but H. wanted to be free as a bird and FLY..like a birdmecha! But after some legwork on H, Meg got the advantage, utilizing moves that Ruby Moreno must have taught her. However, you can't keep a good girl down for long and the H. much stand for HEART cause she kept fighting! The highlight of the match was when Canada Meg tried to dropkick H.'s leg but H. jumped vertically to avoid it and came down with a dropkick to Meg's face! This seemed to almost knock out Meg but it also had a big effect on H's leg which had been worked on. Both women got up at 8 during the standing 10 count but were woozy. Meg went over and tried to hit a Canadian Leg Sweep but H. reversed it into a schoolgirl pin and got the win! Another great reversal just like how she beat that lagomorph thing! Go H!!

Willa: Ok, that was a lot of words so far so let's get to a piece of fan art that well...I don't really know what to make of it other then that it's really REALLY disturbing. Like...Dottie looked at this and she ran into to the bathroom crying. I really don't know who this "Tromataker" guy is but well, we love our fans so thanks for the contribution!! And I have to venture this is the first fan ever of LAWLunkaloompa #2 (#1 already has a sufficient fan club).

Willa: Ok...moving right along (and checking under my bed later tonight for monsters!), we have the first interview for tonight! You no doubt realize that this is February and that LAWLiday 2008 never happened. You also realize this is the SECOND year for our banner show to be late. And so, the next order of business for this newletter is to hear from the owner of LAWL, Gloria Reyes. My broadcast colleague Dottie Comms recently had a chance to sit down with her and ask her what the dealio was with the delay...io.

Gloria Reyes interview

[Dottie:] "Hi Gloria!"

[Gloria:] "Hello Dottie. Let's try to make this brief so as not to weigh down the newsletter."

[Dottie:] "Ok! So what is your reaction to the Orochi-O's delay in helping us to produce the LAWLiday DVD."

[Gloria:] "Unlike last year, where it was just the DVD that was delayed, this year the very event has been put off until after the OG-Joshi: "Renaissance" PPV."

[Dottie:] "Which is where Holly will be defending her OG-Joshi World Title against #1 contender, Visper Karr."

[Gloria:] "And Holly cares more about retaining her OG-Joshi title then winning our title, so it is clear which she match she is concentrating on most. Frankly, it is hard to fault her on that idea as OG-Joshi is her home promotion. If I was in her shoes, but as LAWL champion challenging for the OG-Joshi Title, I would feel the same way. The key difference is how I would ACT. Even if I would prefer to face a challenge for my belt first, I would not insist on doing so and hold up the other promotion, which is exactly what Holly has done here, and with Geese's help."

[Dottie:] "So Geese has refused to help out with production of the LAWLiday event?"

[Gloria:] "That alone wouldn't be enough to delay the show as we have held events in the past without his funds. However, it is the work of his lawyers that have put us in this helpless position. Holly's contract, as the result of her team's victory at HaLAWLoween, has the stipulation that she must be in the main event of LAWLiday to face Jenny McLanahan for the OMG Title. "

[Dottie:] "Ok, so by naming LAWLiday specifically, she.."

[Gloria:] "She has delayed by MONTHS our biggest event of the year. The show all LAWL fans look forward to, and the one that produces the greatest entertainment year after year. Whether it be Jenny vs. Ruby or Ruby vs. Jo Ryder, LAWLiday has had the reputation of holding the best main events in women's wrestling. Holly doesn't just want to protect her own title by delaying LAWLiday, she wants to destroy LAWL's momentum and business by making fans unable to look forward to when it will happen."

[Dottie:] "This is sick even by Holly's standards! But can't you do something about it?"

[Gloria:] "They have backed LAWL into a corner. We are a small wrestling promotion, not a lawyer mill. We do not have the resources to fight this. So we will be forced to wait until after OG-Joshi Renaissance is done for LAWLiday to happen."

[Dottie:] "I have to say, Gloria, it's not like you to let Holly win this fight."

[Gloria:] "I'm not. She won this round, and that is all. The presence of this very Newsletter shows that we are starting to look for ways to connect to our fans independent of Orochi-O's so LAWL will not be held hostage by those with our worst interests in mind."

[Dottie:] "Can you cut ties with Orochi-O's all together?"

[Gloria:] "Unfortunately it is best not to discuss details as we still are under contract with them and hope to work together to finally hold and release the LAWLiday event DVD. I can not comment on any future negotiations or business relations between us and them. I just wanted to explain to the fans why we are delayed."

[Dottie:] "Ok, there you have it, fans. Thanks Gloria."

[Gloria:] "Thank you and all of the LAWL fans for remaining optimistic."

Willa: Wow, Holly really has LAWL in a hammerlock right now but I know LAWL can reverse and german suplex her! Speaking of suplexes, the next match probably won't have many! Sorry! But if you are a fan of cute bunny rabbits and sleepy people, you're in luck! The next recap is brought to us by some guy named DetectiveMax!

Maxine Warner vs. Patricia Jackson

DM: Wow! A female!! Finally!! Maxine (love the name!) Warner is running around like she's in heat and her pajama'd opponent (Sam wears footsy pajamas) can't do anything to stop her! No one can stop the power of a rabbit! PJ tries to grab Maxine in what looks to be a hug, cause we rabbits are so lovable, and Maxine is getting tired...but then she jumps up while PJ is holding her and they both fall over! This is great! The only thing this match needs is a flamethrower! But since there isn't one, Maxine instead kicks PJ in the face! PJ is trying her best to hug and cuddle Maxine but isn't able to make a dent on her energy level. In fact, it looks like just trying to tire out Maxine is making PJ exhausted and so it just takes one dropkick to knock her over. Maxine then goes up on top...BUNNY HOP! This match is over!

Willa: Did that fan just say he's a rabbit? Nah, ok, moving right along. Let's get to the next piece of fan art, what do you say? This one is ALSO by our resident Patata lover, WackyDeli. Only this time he shows how in touch he is with potato emotions. Especially their hopes and dreams, even bad ones!

Willa: Ok, so if you guys don't feel guiltily hungry now, let's continue with our next match! Not entireLAWLy a coincidence that it involves Las Potatodoras! Luckily this match happened before they saw the fan art or else they wouldn't be ready to take on their arch-enemies, Las Microonda Platanos! This match recap was sent in by Vegemitey1

Las Potatodoras vs. Las Microonda Platanos

VM1: Finally, we get the match that LAWL was built around - the classic struggle between, in one hand, potatoes, and in the other, bananas. This is the true battle between good and evil. My friends and I have nostaLAWLgia for the days when every show had this match but then LAWL had to get all serious and bum us out with the LMAO vs. ROFL rivalry. Anyway...

If you've seen one potato/banana match, you HAVEN'T seen them all. The intricacies of their encounters are not clear to the untrained eye, but for us true fans, we know what is going on. The way Platano sabroso torqued the leg of Patata dulce is clearly a reference to their match at "Attrition of Nutrition" back in '99. The rest of the fans didn't seem to pick it up, so I'll detract half a star from the audience.

Los Microondas put on a clinic of leg work here but the fans booed that (another detracted star). Las Potatodoras countered with their SPUD SPIRIT (why they took that off their t-shirts is beyond me. Probably politics) and were actually able to counter the Bananasplosion on Dulce when Frita hit a flying cross body block on both bananas, causing them to fall off the turnbuckle. Las Potatodoras used the opportunity to hit their Mashed Potato finisher for the decisive 3 count.

Willa: Hrm...that was certainly a spirited and opinionated fan! And surprisingly, the match didn't end there, the recapper just refused to address "run-ins" as they "ruined nutritional purity." Let's get to what happened next from the helpful fan named "LAWLfanOMG"

LFOMG: WOW! Great wins for the potatoes! Nice and simple! Nothing too fancy! But what's this? While they were celebrating...BEES!! A swarm of bee wrestlers attacked them! This is madness! Children in the audience are crying as the potatoes are being relentlessly stung by bees!! We gotta get some security out here! This is a dark day for LAWL!

Willa: Yikes! I hope the potatoes will BEE ok! (Dottie: "Sorry again!") Now it's time for a word from one of our new wrestlers, Anne O'Malley. She debuted at HaLAWLoween 2008 in a match early on in the card, losing narrowly to Patricia Jackson. But that was not all we were going to see of her that night, as she came out to interfere in Kat Black's match against Lucy Cutlass. Anne distracted Kat and actually attacked her, allowing Lucy to hit her Cannonball onto Kat for the win! It was later revealed that Anne is the "cabin girl" on Lucy Cutlass' SwashBuckLAWLer crew. Let's see what she has to say!

Anne: "Arrgh me mateys! It be my honor to report that the SwashBuckLAWLers have clear seas ahead! Our captain Lucy Cutlass be the 1337 Champion and was generous enough to let me on the ship as the cabin girl and into LAWL as her tag team partner when need be. One day I hope to be as strong a wrestler as Lucy and as cunning a captain, but for now I do what the ship needs from me, and clean up after the Barge's cooking. I also thank me uncle, Jack Flint for getting me this cabin girl internship! Thank ye!"

Willa: They have pirate internships? Wow. In any case, we are going to see how much she has learned from being on Lucy's ship and under her training as it's now time to face J*NiGHT's Juli Tanaka! Let's thank OGJ-AOK for the recap!

Juli Tanaka vs. Anne O'Malley

OGJ: Juli Tanaka has had a tough few months after losing to the Dods in OG-Joshi in tag matches and then getting steamrolled by Visper Karr. Tonight she faces the newcomer, Anne O'Malley. And Juli wastes no time in taking it to Anne with some thunderous chops! Anne has no answer to this other then to run out of the ring. Probably a smart idea! But Juli chases her outside, then inside...but it was a trap! Lucy's teachings must be paying off. However, rather then stomp Juli as she rolls in, she goes to shake her hand? That's weird. It appears Anne didn't want to stomp her head which is refreshing. Juli takes the handshake, as Anne gives up her advantage. This brings out a furious Lucy Cutlass!

Lucy is demanding that the two do the same thing again, only this time, Anne must remember to stomp on Juli's head! Juli shrugs and they go through the same sequence, only for Juli to outrun Anne and offer her a handshake...which she accepts to Lucy's chagrin. Anne just seems lost out there with what to do! Lucy is yelling profanities but Anne is trying her best...its just that her best has allowed her to get german suplexed three times in a row! And not a rolling suplex, but 3 seperate times in the course of 10 seconds. Anne O'Malley may be a bit green, and not just seasick. It doesn't take long for Juli to put her away with a running lariat, an homage to her mentor Twinky McLanahan. Lucy collects Anne and marches her out of the ring as Juli celebrates her victory.

Willa: Well, we hope you enjoyed our first newsletter!! Hopefully LAWLiday will be coming soon but, if not, we'll have another one of these to tide you over! Bye fans and remember, send in fan art and it WILL get shown here! Really!!

(REALLY!)

Press Conference - 11/12/08

2008-11-12T03:47:00.004-05:00

*It's 8pm at the LAWLitorium and a bandaged Gloria Reyes is present for a rare LAWL press conference*

[Gloria:] "I have a few announcements to make on the heels of HaLAWLoween 2008. First, I am glad to say that my sister Marie made it out of her cage match unscathed. I still do not know what possessed her to enter into that fight, but I am relieved that she was not injured and proud that she was victorious.

[Reporter #1:] "What about what happened to Cynthia? That woman hurt her pretty bad."

[Gloria:] "Cynthia San Martino suffered a broken collarbone at the hands of Iara Andrade. While Cynthia has not lobbied for a match at LAWLiday, she should be fine by that point."

[Reporter #1:] "Well, what about that woman?"

[Gloria:] "I do not know what to make of Marie's childhood friend showing up. To be quite blunt, Marie and LAWL have not benefited from this previous year of her past catching up to her. While Iara does not appear to be hostile to Marie, I do want to ascertain her full intentions in LAWL, aside from her intended vengeance on Cynthia. Perhaps it is a blessing in disguise that she is here as now Iara can occupy Cynthia so that Marie could move on and maybe resume her Title hunt. But it is still too early to say."

[Reporter #2:] "How is your health coming out of the tag match against Holly and especially Juli Krieger."

*Gloria grimaces*

[Gloria:] "Never have I faced anyone with the raw power and malicious intent as Juli Krieger. The fact I did so just two matches into my return was...perhaps not prudent of me. But we in LAWL don't take lightly to those who seek to destroy what we built. And while I have full confidence that Jenny McLanahan will defeat and drive Holly out of LAWL at LAWLiday, I wish to make my own statement as well. Juli Krieger, if you will accept my challenge to a one on one match at LAWLiday, I intend to show you what I can fully do."

[Reporter #2:] "You can't be serious? Juli Krieger is a monster!"

[Gloria:] "LAWL is full of many creatures and so I do not fear monsters. I only fear not having the guts to stand up to them. Juli, you have been very successful in your time at LAWL, but I will make sure that you leave us for good with your head held down in defeat by my hands. Krieger is not unbeatable, Alicia Gordon has proven that quite clearly over the last two years and I helped train Alicia."

[Reporter #2:] "And look what beating Juli has done to Alicia!?"

*Gloria ignores that and turns her attention to someone else*

[Reporter #3:] "What is your reaction to 1337 Champion Lucy Cutlass stealing yet another victory?"

[Gloria:] "Lucy has suddenly taken it upon herself to ensure she wins at any cost. But I do not think she will fare well against the very unpredictable FIASUKO. The reason I had that triple threat match was to prepare the winner for a multi-wrestler encounter which is apparently what 1337 matches have turned into. As for Lucy's new charge, Cabin Girl Anne O'Malley, I do not entirely know what to make of her. She did Lucy's bidding but also appeared to want to beat Patricia Jackson without any shady tactics."

[Reporter #4:] "LAWL has a lot of new recruits but the DVD's are more spaced out then ever."

[Gloria:] "Spaced out as in...time between releases..or theme?"

[Reporter #4:] "Uh...both, but I was referring especially to time."

[Gloria:] "Yes, and that brings me to my next point. Even if Orochi-O's was on the ball with producing our DVD's as quickly and as frequently as they promised, we still would be in a position of requiring more time to exposing our new wrestlers to our ever growing international audience."

[Reporter #4:] "That rabbit thing really shouldn't be exposed to anyone."

[Gloria:] "Ahem. Now, for years, LAWL has traditionally run monthly shows out of the LAWLitorium that are not recorded on DVD. As a small local promotion, we simply do not have the funds to make it on TV or produce more DVD's, and asking Orochi-O's to do that would not yield much better results then what we are seeing now. So I believe it is best to publish an official LAWL NewsLAWLetter that can go out every month. Our official reporters and even chosen fans can discuss the matches that take place in their own words, and we can also use the publication to draw attention to specific wrestlers every month."

[Reporter #4:] "That's a pretty good idea - you can even have a monthly joke column!"

[Gloria:] "Let's try to focus here. Now, since most of our monthly shows focus primarily on our new and rising talent, I believe they will benefit from this new publication. Meanwhile, our veterans and main eventers can enjoy less packed and busy DVD released shows which will allow their efforts to shine even more. I believe this plan will work for everyone, including the fans."

[Reporter #4:] "Will Orochi-O's have any role in funding or publishing the NewsLAWLetter?"

[Gloria:] "No, I would like us to have full creative control over everything, so this will be a LAWL-only venture. Now, if there are no more questions, I thank you all for attending."

*Gloria waves and walks away while Las Potatodoras enter the room to frolic with the reporters.*

HaLAWLoween 2008

2008-11-12T03:47:00.001-05:00

LAWL presents HaLAWLoween 2008.

Originally held: Friday, October 17th, 2008
Released on DVD: Wednesday, November 5th, 2008

DVD transmitted in english and spanish
El DVD transmitido en inglés y españlawl

Yo, we're back! And by "we," I mean YOU. Just in case you forgot, LAWL shows are in the 2nd person now! But we've gone a step further to give that creepy HaLAWLoween feeling! Not only are we in the 2nd person, we're in the past tense - which means you've ALREADY WATCHED THIS SHOW. So how come you don't remember it? Too much HaLAWLoween candy I bet, that sugar went right to your head (and thighs) and wiped out your short term memory! Congratulations! Luckily for you, this show is actually a documentation of your original experience with this DVD. So let's get the ole wayback machine out of the attic and let's get ready to re-enjoy your HaLAWLoween 2008 DVD!! The show so great it needs to be watched twice to be remotely noticed!

It's seventeen-diggity-six and you''ve just driven the british out..

*You switch the DVD*

It's time for HaLAWLoween! Or not...its time for a disc-read error. NO! Come on PS2! Load the damn disc!! Garsh, not now! Oh the humanity of it!! Eh, let's just use the regular DVD player...

The show opens with commercials including a 2 minute hype video for the UBL Lunar Battalion show. They're pushing this HARD and you're getting annoyed with it being force-fed to you when you can't just skip to the LAWL menu. Also, parts of the show are being spoiled for you during this recap, making you wonder WHY this ad was even approved. But rather then register your discontent on the internet like you usually do, you're following your therapist's advice and just letting go of the anger. Just let go. Breathe...that feels good, right? Good.

After what seems like an eternity of ads, the LAWL DVD menu finaLAWLy appears. You see that EngLAWLish has been chosen as the default language option so you quickly switch to english. You then go to the "Scene Selection" menu, just to see what this show entails.

Scene Selection Menu

Scene 1 - Show Introduction
Scene 2 - Maxine Warner vs. H.
Scene 3 - Backstage at the LAWLitorium
Scene 4 - ScrambLAWL match: Kata Mary vs. Pea Shooter vs. FIASUKO
Scene 5 - Pre-Match challenge to Jacquelyn-Hyde Connection
Scene 6 - Angelica Hyde/Lyn Archer vs. ?????
Scene 7 - 1337 Title Match
Scene 8 - Backstage at the LAWLitorium 2
Scene 9 - Jenny McLanahan/Gloria Reyes vs. Holly/Juli Krieger

Orochi-O's Featured Match Menu

Os1 - Introductions to Jailhouse match
Os2 - Jailhouse match: Marie Reyes vs. Cynthia San Martino

Bonus Features Menu

Bonus 1 - Post Jailhouse match Promo
Bonus 2 - Dark Match: Patricia Jackson vs. Pirate Anne
Bonus 3 - Dark Match: Apples & Oranges vs. LAWLunkaLoompas
Bonus 4 - "HaLAWLoween Trick or Treat" BONUS FUNANITY

Wow, they really went all Hollywood on you here! Look at all this content and bonus features! Matches and extras and wow! You're gonna be up for HOURS tonight watching this. Just call into work and say you're gona be sick!! I mean, it's true right? What are the odds you keep your lunch down while watching this? Exactly. So just call now and it will seem better then doing it tomorrow morning! "LAWL - keeping people unproductive since 2000"

1 - Show Introduction

It's time to start the show and we're brought to the stage where Willa W. Webb and Dottie Comms are standing there with microphones and HaLAWLoween costumes. Willa is dressed as a willow tree and Dottie is dressed as a newborn baby, complete with diaper...and pink pasties in the shape of baby ducks.

[www:] "You really went all out this year..."

[.com:] "I know but I gotta change into my HaLAWLoween costume soon!!"

[www:] "That's not...*shakes her head* then what are you wearing NOW?"

[.com:] "Oh THIS? I just came from a party."

You quickly pause the DVD and go onto the internet to find a way to 'socially network' with Dottie, to no avail. You come back downstairs and unpause the DVD...then pause it again and selectively black out the next 10 minutes of your memory. Ok, back yet? Re-hydrated? Good, let's get back to business.

[.www:] "Ok, well, maybe we should talk about this show rather then your tawdry and, frankly, upsetting social life."

[.com:] "Hey, I didn't judge you when you came to work yesterday wearing white after labor day."

[.www:] "I spilled a drink on my skirt, that was a white NAPKIN!!"

[.com:] "Fashion knows no excuses!!"

[.www:] "Ok everyone, well we have a great show for you tonight: one that actually contains three firsts for LAWL. First..."

[.com:] "That actually makes FOUR firsts!!"

[.www:] "No, just three. But to avoid that happening again, i'll use NUMBERS.

[.com:] "Boo, numbers are for professors and doctorbots!"

[.www:] "Ahem... One, tonight we have a LAWL cage match in the form of a "Jailhouse match"! Two, because of the expected brutality of said match, it won't be happening in this arena in front of the child-filled LAWL audience! Instead, it will be at another arena rented by Orochi-O's and included in the bonus features of the DVD since Gloria Reyes refused to acknowledge it as tonight's main event. Three, due to complaints by talent and OSHA, our wrestlers won't be wearing their HaLAWLoween costumes during matches. Too many people were getting hurt while wearing unwieldy costumes."

[.com:] "Boo! Where's the spirit of HaLAWLoween if they aren't wearing costumes!?!!"

[.www:] "Now now, patience little one."

[.com:] "LIttle one?"

*Willa points at her costume and Dottie nods. You drool again.

[.www:] "Our wrestlers will still be dressed up as they come to the ring**> and when they are backstage. Well, those who WANT to be dressed up, at least. I hear that LMAO are still being 'difficult' when it comes to costumes. Grace was so adamant against them that even Lupe was forced to dress in regular attire. And we know how much she loves dressing up for this show. This is actually the first HaLAWLoween ever that she hasn't come in costume!"

(*DVD Editor's note: Check out the entrance videos at the end of the show!)

[.com:] "Wow, that really is a HUGE sacrifice from her for the LMAO cause, I hope Grace appreciates that."

[.www:] "I guess we'll find out. But for now, it's almost time for the first match so we have to go! On behalf of everyone backstage and Dottie and I, let me wish you all a very happy HaLAWLoween!!"

[.com:] "Remember, no candy from strangers unless its GOOD candy. Don't go gettin dangerous over a freakin old tootsie-roll. Parents, teach your kids the 'Table of Candy Priority!' Let's make good decisions this year, kids!! And never accept fruit! Fruit is to WATCH in the ring while you chew on caramel and nougat!"

They walk off the stage as Dottie chews on a candy bar and you're ready for the first match.

2 - Maxine Warner vs. H.

H. comes out first. You hear she is part of the NiSan-Dan stable that has recently become very popular in UBL and that FPCPP fed that you've been getting your online comics fix from. H. appears to be very athletic though not very big. Probably a junior spot wrestler by the way she looks which, well, fits in perfectly to LAWL. You wonder who or what Maxine War-

OH SHIT A F'N RABBIT. Maxine Warner just came out and she's a F'n RABBIT!! How the hell? What kind of international law-breaking lab does LAWL have in its basement!? This thing is hopping mad all over the place! And a little logo came on the screen saying she's a 'lagomorph' or something. Fuck it, you can call it whatever fancy scientific name you want cause that's a DEMON FROM HELL, as far as you're concerneed!

You start to get more then a little nervous and even sweat due to your childhood fear of wrestling rabbits. Osagi Yojimbo was bad enough, but at least he used swords...no real "touching" that way. This thing WRESTLES, it TOUCHES. BAD TOUCHES. You're thinking of skipping to the next match but you want to see it beaten, it MUST be beaten. You've suddenly become the biggest fan of H. in the entire world, let's get this started. You cross your fingers hoping your later sleep isn't riddled with night terrors.

Match #1: Maxine Warner vs. H.

*POST MATCH SPOILERS - CLICK the "show" BELOW*

Spoiler show: So it's not gonna be easy but you should probably sleep through the night provided you detox your eyes before bed. That Warner rabbit scared you half to death but at least it could be beaten. The idea of that thing being invincible was just too much for your sanity. Still, she was more capable then you could have wished and H. definitely had her hands full, almost getting pinned by the "Bunny Hop" diving foot stomp. Shit...shit shit shit, how did you just KNOW it was called that!? Oh no, it's all happening again...

Maxine Warner (X) [Roll-up - 13:23] (O) H.

You hang up the phone after your therapist refills your dosage. She also cautioned you to stop watching this DVD, and then burn it.. But you just spend $20 + tax for this and you're no fool in this economy! So you soldier on, hoping beyond hope that rabbit doesn't make a re-appearance.

3 - Backstage at LAWLitorium

Luckily, we go backstage and it appears something ugly is about to go down, but, luckily, it's not rabbit-related.

*We see Holly in the midst of being "all up in" the face of none other then the legendary Jo Ryder.*

[Holly:] "Oh and I don't appreciate you trying to show me up at the Lunar Battalion show! You knew damn well that I wouldn't be appearing in a match, and so you just HAD to grab all the attention by going out to cheerlead for Eddie Swan."

[Jo:] "I was unaware of your travel itinerary, actually."

[Holly:] "OH, so that makes everything OK?! You're allowed to make me look bad because you didn't KNOW I wasn't going to be there? You think this is a game!?"

[Jo:] "I'm not even sure what you're complaining about any more. Its okay if you don't barrage me with obscenity and inanity once in a while."

*Just then, Grace Reyes appears from around the corner, marches up to Holly, and pushes her away from Jo. Holly shakes her head dismissively at Grace..*

[Holly:] "Not now, kid, the grown-ups are speaking. Wait, why are YOU even here at all? Doesn't that slummy friend of yours have some kind of Steakhouse match or something?"

[Grace:] "JAILhouse match, you idiot."

[Holly:] "Whatever, the match 'out back', get it? No, of course you didn't. But I bet you DO get that your friend's match isn't the ma in event tonight, thanks to your sis of course. Don't you just love it how the last two LAWL ma in events have involved ME as the centerpiece? Just like the upcoming LAWLiday's ma in event will? Wow, it will be just like when Jo Ryder was in the LAWL ma in event, only I won't lose."

*Grace pushes Holly back again but she's too amused to retaliate*

[Grace:] "You speak to Miss Ryder with RESPECT."

[Jo:] "Why do people feel the need to stand up to people for me now? I miss the good old days of when everybody hated me..."

*Holly's eyes open widely in surprise, then a smile comes over her*

[Holly:] "MISS Ryder? Did Angsty Reyes just treat someone with respect?"

[Grace:] "Damn straight I did, she deserves it. Miss Ryder's done everything in this business.."

[Holly:] "And EVERYONE. But hold on just a sec...Jo, why ARE you here tonight? You don't even have a match. In fact, NEITHER of you do."

[Jo:] "And now I'm not allowed to go places without ulterior motives?"

[Grace:] "Yeah, whacha trying to say, Walker?"

*Holly gets a suspicious expression on her face and starts chuckiling*

[Holly:] "Wait, are you two...are you two like having a meeting or something!?"

[Jo:] "If you saw me at a grocery store, you'd accuse me of conspiring to steal the produce section too."

[Holly:] "I've heard that's actually an Amber Alert in LAWL."

*Grace begins poking her finger in Holly's chest*

[Grace:] "Just shut it and get outta here, none of this is ANY of your business."

*Holly's begins laughing harder at this point*

[Holly:] "No way...no f'n way! Jo Ryder and Grace Reyes? Miss "Losing ma inly Against Outsiders" has a respect hard-on for Jo Ryder? Fashion tips? In ring-advice? What kinda meeting is this!?"

[Grace:] "My fist's gonna have a meeting with your FACE if you don't stay out of our business!"

[Holly:] "'OUR!?'

*Holly's eyes are tearing from laughter at this point, as Jo plants her hand against her own face and shakes her head*

[Holly:] "I'm gonna blow a funny fuse!!! This is fucking SPECTACULAWLAWLAWLER!! Because it's TOTALLY cool for you to get advice from an OUTSIDER, right? I mean, who needs to stick to a moral stance, after all?!"

[Grace:] "If Jo Ryder wants to give me advice, she f'n can!"

*A spark enters Holly's eyes and she smirks*

[Holly:] "Oh...yes of course, I see now. To you, LAWL and your friends weren't in any kind of danger from outsiders this whole time, were they? LMAO has been a sham from the START cause the only thing that has mattered are YOUR personal desires!"

[Grace:] "LAWL is MY fed and ain't a damn thing wrong with having an outsider around here if I want one, you f'n got that!?"

[Holly:] "Oh I get that you think LAWL is your fed, and I get that LMAO has been nothing more than an engine propelling the zeppelin of your alleged sucess to the attentions of a woman who probably only wants you in her organization so you'll wear her branded spandex amongst other DEBAUCHE things. I get all that..."

*Holly gets a devilish grin on her face and points behind Grace*

[Holly:] "....but did SHE?"

*Grace turns around to find Lucky Lupe who has an utterly shocked look on her face.*

[Lupe:] "Grace!? How could you!?"

*Unlike Holly's, Lupe's tears are of sadness and she storms away.*

[Holly:] "Oh how inescapably irresponsible of me for asking those probing questions in plain sight of Lupe! What a terrible mistake I've made! I think I just broke up your little cliq and totally didn't mean to!? I hope I can find a confessionaLAWL booth and pour out my heart!"

[Grace:] "Walker, I'll f'n DESTROY you for this!"

*Grace storms off in Lupe's direction as Holly and Jo looks on. Holly puts her arm around Jo while smiling.*

[Holly:] "Wow, that girl's sure got a lot of fire. So... f*ck her yet?"

[Jo:] "...I'm not certain "debauche" is a word."

[Holly:] "Yeah, but Grace wouldn't know it even if it was. She's not the book-learnin type like you and I are. But, I totally bet she fucks like a tiger."

[Jo:] "As long as she doesn't lay limp like you did, it'd be an improvement."

*Jo hip checks Holly aside, then marches away while Holly laughs and observes all of the backstage employees grimacing at the scene she just caused.*

[Holly:] "Ahh LAWL, I'll truly be the death of you one of these days."

*Holly strolls off with a million dollar smirk on her face and the camera heads back to the ring*

WOWZERS, that was serious business. You're concerned about Lupe too, she looked really distraught. But is Grace Reyes really seeking Jo's tutelage?!

4 - ScrambLAWL match: Kata Mary vs. Pea Shooter vs. FIASUKO

Ok, looks like LAWL wants to switch gears from the serious to the sanity-challenged! And who are you to argue, you ate grilled cocoa puffs for dinner last night!! (in your defense, that really was a good recipe). If memory serves you correctly as to the press release for this show (sweet reLAWLease), this match is actually to decide the next #1 contender to the 1337 Title. You're still recovering from "LAWL + LLAMMA = Lunacy" but you do recall Pea Shooter falling just a bit short against Lucy Cutlass for her title. However, Pea Shooter did so well that she earned herself another spot in a #1 contenders match. Also, apparently this is a "one fall to a finish" match so its likely to end cheaply but that's ok. Its probably better if this ends fast. Your supporting with Kata Mary for this one cause you think her rolling has a hallucinogenic effect which is needed to get through this show.

Match #2: Kata Mary vs. Pea Shooter vs. FIASUKO

*POST MATCH SPOILERS - CLICK the "show" BELOW*

Spoiler show: Aside from the odd way this match was edited at the end, it actually had a pretty decisive ending! You gotta hand it to FIASUKO for winning a triple threat match with a high-impact move like that!! And she is now the new #1 contender to the 1337 Title which is currently held by Lucy Cutlass, though her reign could end later tonight if Kat Black defeats her.

FIASUKO (O) [Michinoku Driver 2 - 20:42] (X) Pea Shooter

5 - Pre-Match challenge to Jacquelyn-Hyde Connection

The Jacquelyn-Hyde Connection comes out next with their A/S/L Title belts and get into the ring. They are awaiting surprise challengers for tonight. However, this match will not be for their titles since the surprise challengers haven't earned that title shot yet due to being a newly formed tag team. This should be interesting, you think. But so was that convention on wallpapery you attended last May. (Wallpaper booth babes = oh yeah!)

*A 'techno' version of "O Canada plays" and out comes Canada Meg! The crowd and you go mild! A LAWL mid-carder is challenging the champs! Angelica and Lyn don't appear to look TOO challenged.*

[Meg:] "EH!"

*The crowd chants "EH" in response, to even their own surprise.*

[Meg:] "Now, I know what the champs are thinking.. 'Canada Meg, eh?' What could SHE do? Well she could win at LAWLiday, for one thing!"

(Yeah, with a roll-up on a dark match. Hu-freakin-zzah)

[Meg:] "And I've been training harder then ever but more importantly, SMARTER then ever. And why is that, eh? Cause I've been training with the best wrestler and champion in LAWL history, and my new tag team partner...

*"Dies Irae" plays which puts the fans in shock and brings out the former OMG Champion, Ruby "Quartz" Moreno! The fans are going nuts here and the champs just got instantly serious. Ruby smiles and waves to the crowd and gets the microphone.*

[Ruby:] "First thing is first, I WILL be getting an OMG Title rematch. That title is around the waist of McLanahan and make no mistake, she EARNED it. But it is only a temporary situation for I WILL get that title back. However, since Gloria has once again decided to screw me by giving that OG-Joshi whore a shot at a title superior to her FAKE one, I demanded that I get a shot at another LAWL title in the meantime. As you all know, I refuse to dirty my hands with the 1337 Title but you, yes, you two in the ring, look lively!"

*Ruby points to Angelica and Lyn and claps*

[Ruby:] "You two have done some truly great things for those titles once reserved for the most ridiculous of LAWL. Since you have held those titles, they have begun to mean something. As such, I want them so I can take them to the next level much like I did with the OMG Title. And for her part, Gloria would have given me a shot at those titles tonight to keep me content enough to stay away from Holly and Jenny. But I, in my respect for your titles and my own legacy, have decided that Meg needs to prove herself in this ring as my partner. Make no mistake, I believe I can bring ANYONE to those titles, but I want to share the championship with someone of true skill. Tonight is my test for Meg. If she can prove herself competent and absorbent of my training, then we will formally challenge you two for your A/S/L Championships at LAWLiday. Is that understood?"

*Angelica and Lyn nod and the crowd cheers. Ruby and Canada Meg come to the ring. You get pretty excited too as this could be a great match. Meg is obviously the X factor here but Ruby's training should have helped her to some extent. Meanwhile, you get to see Ruby and Angelica Hyde in the ring again after their great singles match last year in DI-J. This will also be the first encounter between Ruby and Jacquelyn Archer. Finally, it's good to see Ruby rebound so well from her title loss. She may be arrogant but you do get turned on by her classiness, and backside. Firm like a precious stone. Ok, just watch the match already!!*

6 - Angelica Hyde/Lyn Archer vs. Ruby Moreno/Canada Meg

Match #3: Angelica Hyde/Lyn Archer vs.Ruby Moreno/Canada Meg

*POST MATCH SPOILERS - CLICK the "show" BELOW*

Spoiler show: Wow! Ruby leads her team to handing the Jacquelyn-Hyde connection their first defeat in over a year! Canada Meg has clearly picked up her game and Ruby showed that same resilience that has made her almost invincible in tough matches and has given her so many victories. But one, and by that I mean YOU, can not say enough about how well Angelica and Jaquelyn fared against Ruby at times. The former OMG Champion was really tested by both women throughout, especially by their tag prowess. But Ruby was just too strong and likely too motivated after her previous loss, and took the match with a new manuever from her, an elbow drop pin overflowing with confidence and poise. You really wonder who will win this rematch when it's for the A/S/L titles!

Canada Meg/Ruby Moreno (O) [Elbow drop Pin - 34:11] (X) Hyde/Archer

7 - 1337 Title Match

Kat Black comes to the ring first and looks extremely focused and intense. She's had a rough few months in OG-Joshi and that shows on her demeanor. But she also has her second chance at gaining the 1337 Title tonight, a title that eluded her last time due to the cheating of LMAO. And now, she faces yet another woman who isn't afraid to resort to trickery to win. After all, you watched in mock horror as Lucy Cutlass and TWO members of her crew caused enough of a ruckus on an injured Alicia Gordon to claim her title at LAWLiday. Granted, Lucy no longer seems to have that same element of surprise that she did against Alicia, as Kat is now privy to her tricks. But she has to be very vigilant here just in case Lucy isn't a one-trick piratey. Perhaps even more distressing is the fact that Lucy showed she COULD legitimately win matches when she has needed to, like against the tough and favored Pea Shooter. But Kat Black is a different story and has wrestled at the top of her game in the last year and made tremendous progress in OG-Joshi. What can Lucy do to stop the further rise of Kat Black?

And is this TRULY the "zomgs piratez vs. the ninjaz" match everyone is not doing enough to make it out to be!? Let's find out!

Match #4: 1337 Title: Kat Black vs. Lucy Cutlass (c)

*POST MATCH SPOILERS - CLICK the "show" BELOW*

Spoiler show: Oh come on! She stole another match! Some little chick came out to distract and attack Kat Black right as Kat looked ready to win! The attack gave Lucy the chance to hit "Rough Waters" and get the same quality of cheap win that she did against Alicia! And it appears yet another member of Lucy's crew has gone public! Who is this new woman!?

Kat Black (X) ["Rough Waters" - 13:28] (O) Lucy Cutlass

*Lucy gets a mic*

[Lucy:] "Arrr! What ye all just saw was the good work of my cabin girl, Anne O'Malley!! Lest ye all beware of what happens when my gold be challenged!!!!"

*Lucy and Anne quickly walk backstage as Kat gets back up and stares them down.*

You feel bad for Kat as this is the second time she was cheated out of this very title. You wonder if cosmic forces (Space Potato?) conspire to stop her from winning this belt and why they are stupid enough to piss off a ninja. Wait, she is a ninja right? In either case, you look forward to Kat getting another chance and proving third time is a charm....either that or winning the OG-Joshi PPV Battle Royale and winning a World Championship title shot! That title doesn't appear to be cursed as the 1337 Title is!

8 - Backstage at the LAWLitorium 2

We go backstage again and are in the LMAO locker room where Grace has some 'splainin to do to Lupe, who is packing up all her stuff from her locker into a bag.

[Lupe:] "I'm done here, Grace. No more LMAO."

[Grace:] "No, you misunderstood!"

[Lupe:] "I'm not an idiot!"

[Grace:] "You know that bitch Holly is a liar!"

[Lupe:] "I don't believe anything else she said, but I heard it from YOUR mouth that LMAO meant nothing! That it was all about YOU! The whole freaking time! Damn it, Grace! I gave up EVERYTHING for this! My fans, my friends!!! I'd been running around hurting Angelica, Jacqueline!! Just cause of your crusade that wasn't even true! You lied to me, you lied to everyone!"

[Grace:] "Outsiders ARE a threat...just look at Holly!"

[Lupe:] "F*ck! Look at Jo! She's an outsider too, right!?"

[Grace:] "She's different..."

[Lupe:] "No shit she is, she's the one that finally exposed you as a hypocrite and a liar! Don't you ever talk to me again!"

*Lupe closes up her bag and tries to storm out but Grace stops her*

[Grace:] "Cyn-Cyn ain't gonna be happy about you leavin.. She supports our cause!"

*Lupe unzips the bag and pulls out a tape marked "Pro Wrestling WILD Saturday Night" that is dated from Fall 2007*

[Lupe:] "See this!? Holly put this in my mailbox a few minutes ago!!"

[Grace:] "Yeah so what?"

*Lupe puts the tape in the locker room VCR and sure enough, its footage of Cynthia San Martino from a PW-W Saturday night show last year. The most damning part of the video comes when none other then Grace is seen walking with Cynthia to her locker room congratulating her for being on the show and winning the match. Moments later, we see Kyle Walker passing both women on his way to a match of his own on that event. Looks like we just found out how Holly learned of all this!*

[Lupe:] "Looks like neither of you believe your own shit. As I said Grace...I'm DONE here."

[Grace:] "Fine, go ahead, see if I care! You go back to "your friends" with your tail between your legs and see if they take you back! See if they believe that you're done with LMAO! Why would they trust you now? Why would they want you back!? WHO would want a broken down, over the hill loser like you anymore?!"

[Lupe:] "Cause I'm gonna show them I'm done with LMAO and you for good."

[Grace:] "Come on, how the f*ck you gonna do that-"

*Lupe smacks Grace hard across the face.*

[Lupe:] "You, me, LAWLiday. You don't show up in the ring with your gear, I'll find you out here with mine."

*Lupe takes out a baseball bat from her bag, Grace's face turns pale*

[Lupe:] "You ruined the last two years of my life so I'll get my revenge and ruin your night on the biggest show of the year."

*Grace looks up shocked at Lupe's intensity, as Lupe walks out the door*

Wow...Lupe just went all 'tru dat thug life' on Grace! You think Cynthia's influence rubbed off on her here, and it appears that LMAO is no more. Do Grace and Cynthia still have a connection though? You guess you'll find out after or, more ominously, during, the cage match later tonight."

9 - Jenny McLanahan/Gloria Reyes vs. Holly/Juli Krieger

Now it's time for the LAWL-sponsored main event of the evening. This match was set up at the end of the previous show. Holly had earned her OMG title shot but in a compromise to make sure she didn't waste it, she gave Gloria her wish for this match. At the next show, Holly will face Jenny for her OMG Championship. For this show, it's about giving two groups of people that don't like each other the chance to beat each other up. Pretty appropriate for a pro wrestling show!! Gloria comes out first:

[Gloria:] "First I would like to issue an apology and a 'thank' you. My apology is to the fans. Unfortunately LAWLiday happened two weeks earlier then usual. The reason for that is due to my 'thank you'.

(You're pretty sure Gloria is being sarcastic here as she just made quotey things with her fingers.)

[Gloria:] "You see, 'thanks' to the actions of Holly and Juli Krieger in the last few years, they now have a dangerous predator on their hands in the name of Nicole Dramesi. Due to that and their participation in tonight's show, I had to ensure that no one on OUR roster was threatened by Nicole. I had received a tip from General Celes that her intelligence found that Nicole booked a ticket to California for October 31'st. In my mind, there could be only one purpose for that, and I was not going to see such violence happen on a LAWL show. So I moved the show two weeks up to throw Nicole off. Thank you Holly, for bringing such violence, hate, and total lack of class to pro wrestling so that you awakened such a beast. Once Jenny defeats you at LAWLiday, you and Krieger will NEVER EVER be welcomed back here. As such, I am going to have to enjoy to the fullest my beating of you tonight."

*Holly comes out dressed up like "Harley Quinn" from Batman.*

[Holly:] "Oh poor Gloria, so scared of what ole Holly Quinn almost dragged into LAWL. I'm glad Celes' 'intelligence' was shared with you, I'm sure that was a real meeting of the minds. But um, are you seriously that dense? If Nicole would have been here, I wouldn't have been. Congratulations, you are an idiot! But I expect such of you. And as for your final invitation to me at LAWLiday, your comment is moot. Jenny isn't beating me, she's incapable of such a feat"

*Holly then begins twisting her jester's hat around her finger and smirking*

[Holly:] "But, as usual, you didn't think of the full implications of what you just said. Reyes, do you honestly think I'd return to LAWL AFTER I beat Jenny?"

[Gloria:] "What? Of course you would! You'd want to defend the LAWL OMG Title!"

*Holly almost falls to the ground laughing.*

[Holly:] "Defend THAT title? The biggest joke in pro wrestling? Are you fucking kidding me? No, Reyes, I will mercy-kill this promotion by putting your belt out to pasture in the garbage. Once I beat Jenny, I take LAWL's title out back and shoot it. Buh-bye ole YeLAWLer, you were a below average dog, and your time has finally come."

[Gloria:] "You are the most despicable THING I've ever seen."

[Holly:] "I'm the best f'n thing you and this arena full of barnTARD animals could ever imagine! And I've also managed to one-up everyone here at their own game. Here it's HaLAWLoween and this costume fits PERFECTLY on me. No one here has ever looked better! Moreno, eat your heart out! Your Wizard of LAWL costume was fitting cause no one around here has any heart, courage, or especially BRAINS!. But it would have been more appropriate for you to have gone as a HORSE this year due to your 'long face' after losing the OMG title!"

*Holly laughs some more and presses her face into a sad expression*

[Gloria:] "Shut up! Just shut up!! Every word out of your mouth is raw sewage! Just get Krieger out here already! Jenny, can you come down too, we have to start this match so we can get rid of her!"

*To Gloria's dismay, Krieger comes out first and she and Holly double team Gloria right away. But Jenny runs down and evens the odds. And our main event is on!!*

Match #5 -Jenny McLanahan/Gloria Reyes vs. Holly/Juli Krieger

*POST MATCH SPOILERS - CLICK the "show" BELOW*

Spoiler show: The LAWL crowd is shocked as they watch Holly triumphant in the second straight main event of a LAWL show. Juli Krieger was absolutely overwhelming here for the recently returned Gloria Reyes and while Jenny had success against Holly, it just wasn't enough to win the match for the LAWL team. The vicious Blitzkrieger lariat took Reyes out and its unclear if she has ever taken a move as powerful as that in her entire career.

Jenny/Gloria (X) ["BlitzKrieger" - 29:53] (O) Juli Krieger/Holly

Holly leads Juli out of the ring. You wonder why she doesn't stay and try to do more damage but by then you see her eyes darting around the arena somewhat nervously. You figure she may actually be more scared of a Dramesi attack tonight then she has let on, especially when you see her walk to one area of the crowd where Orochi Geese, Kyle Walker, and Genji Security have just cleared out for her exit. She does turn around long enough to blow a kiss to Jenny and make the universal "i'm in ur fedz, winning ur titles" sign to Jenny which Jenny responds to by shaking her head no. Good girl Jenny, you gotta be firm on those matters!

Holly and Juli leave to the boos of the crowd but to the private accolades of OrochiGeese and Kyle Walker. Kyle is particularly intense here as he doesn't appreciate all the boo'ing from the LAWL crowd but Geese just tells him to ignore the LAWL peasants. He's not getting good trick or treat candy tonight, that's for sure!!

Jenny helps Gloria up in the ring and shakes her hand. The crowd begins applauding them for their efforts. The two share some supportive words and make their way to the back, shaking hands of the fans in the crowd. While tonight was a setback, they aren't allowing themselves to be intimidated by Holly and Juli. Good for them, you say! Good for them indeed!!!

The LAWL portion of the show closes with Las Potatodoras, Las Platanos Microonda, Apples&Oranges, and Kata Mary coming out to the ring to hand out candy and HaLAWLoween knicknacks to everyone. The children in the crowd are very happy and if the kids are happy, then the LAWL's work has been done. The scene fades.

Orochi-O's Feature Match Scenes

Os1 - Introduction to Jailhouse match

Still have energy left!? Good! Let's check out the Orochi-O's version of HaLAWLoween's main event!! A match so brutal that Gloria Reyes refused to allow it in the LAWLitorium! But since OrochiGeese owns the means of production and capital of LAWL's DVDs, he controls the output! Let that be a lesson to you aspiring economists!!

We fade into another arena which was leased by Orochi-O's Inc. A large cage is set up with a variety of weapons on the floor. Cynthia San Martino makes her entrance first, not escorted by anyone other then her own bad attitude (but that doesn't count as "anyone" really, right? Unless her bad attitude is like some kind of SPIRIT...which it's not.) Marie Reyes makes her entrance next and is escorted by Alicia Gordon. But as soon as Alicia gets comfortable, the referee informs her that, per orders from OrochiGeese, no one is allowed to stay at ringside and that she must wait in Marie's locker room since Alicia didn't actually buy a ticket for this event. That crafty Geese!

Alicia refuses to go and the ref refuses to start the match. Cynthia begins laughing at Marie and asks if her this is how she plans to get out of having to face her. Finally, Marie turns to Alicia and asks her to have confidence that she can survive this match. Alicia nods, touches fists with Marie and goes to the back, all the while giving the evil eye to Cynthia who just laughs her off.

You don't need any more background on this match, it's been brewing for months in LAWL and for YEARS in Marie and Cynthia's personal life. It's time to get down to business in a cage and see if Marie can finally get retribution for all the pain that Cynthia put her through. Or if Cynthia can prove to Marie that she's still a weak little girl that hasn't made any progress since their school days. Can the J.U.S.T.I.C.E. stable's special brand of Tae Lucha Do overcome an ex con who has done time in a real cage? Or will Cynthia once again tap into Marie's worst memories and dominate her once agian? You realize that asking so many questions of yourself out loud is a sign of mental issues and so you get to the match right away...not immediately realizing that voluntarily viewing this show is more an indictment on your sanity then any questions could ever be. Match! Now!

Os2 - Jailhouse Cage match

Match #6 - Marie Reyes vs. Cynthia San Martino

*POST MATCH SPOILERS - CLICK the "show" BELOW*

Spoiler show: And Marie finally did it!! She beat Cynthia and beat her with Marie's own lucha skills! Mixed with plenty of Jang Bae taught Tae Kwon Do, including a new move Marie picked up called the "Bully STOpper!" on her route to victory! But in the end, it was a LAWL quality Hurracarana that Cynthia had no answer for!! Cynthia expected Marie to brawl but Marie was confident enough in herself to stay on her game and do what works for her...and it worked!! Marie picks up a huge victory against her arch-enemy, Cynthia San Martino!!

Marie Reyes (O) [Ultra Huracaranna - 20:03] (X) Cynthia San Martino

You kinda wonder what happened there after the match, but looking over the DVD Extras menu, you are relatively confident that is all answered in Section B1. But it looks like the main events are over and with it, the show!! You are grateful that, if you still have a stomach for this stuff, there are some DVD Extras to dig into! But if not, then run don't walk to the bathroom, get some ipecac and do your best to cleanse your inner self from this show of sin!! You hope you enjoyed HaLAWLoween but that statement is an odd thing to say, but so is a show done in 2nd person!! See yourself later, fan!!

*The show fades out as you push stop on the DVD player...or, alternatively, choose "DVD Extras." The choice is up to you, the viewer!"

DVD Extras

B1 - Post Jail House match Promo exchange

Who was that!? As soon as the match ended, a woman of what looks to be South American descent climbed the cage and then brutally attacked Cynthia San Martino! And the shock on Marie's face as to the identity of this woman was quite clear!! After OrochiGeese's contracted Genji Security finally broke the woman's hold and put an end to the violence in the ring, we see Marie trying to have a word with the woman. The woman asks for a microphone and gets one, as does Marie. At this point, Alicia Gordon also returns to the ring and backs Marie up.

[Marie:] "Iara...is that really you?"

[Woman:] "So you remember me, huh, Reyes?"

[Marie:] "Of course I do! I just never thought I'd see you again!"

[Iara:] "Neither did that sack of shit."

*Iara points to Cynthia who is still unconsious from the hold*

[Alicia:] "Marie, who is this woman?"

[Marie:] "My old friend, Iara Andrade. She was another one of Cynthia's bully victims and one day..."

[Iara:] "EVERY day, Cynthia beat us both up. And one afternoon, when we didn't have enough money to "buy Cynthia lunch" she said that she was gonna finish the job on us the next day. Marie didn't come back to school the next day, I did. I got beat so badly that when I returned from school, my parents packed us all up and moved of us back to Brazil the very next day where the rest of our family was."

[Marie:] "I wanted to go to school but my parents wouldn't let me when I told them what Cynthia said. Why didn't you tell your parents?"

[Iara:] "Cause I thought you and I were finally ready to fight back! If you had been there, you could have helped me! We could have stopped her then and put an end to her bullying!"

[Marie:] "I was scared, I had to tell someone."

*Marie turns pale and Alicia steps in to talk to Iara*

[Alicia:] "So you came back tonight to take revenge on Cynthia?"

[Iara:] "For the last 10 years I've been training in Capoeira with my family."

[Alicia:] "That hold wasn't Capoeira."

*Iara grins*

[Iara:] "Well, you don't live in Brazil for 10 years without picking up a little native jiu-jutsu, you know? And I learned how to defend myself so that I would never be a victim like I was. I put Martino out of my mind but I had no desire to return here after what happened. After I learned Capoeria and jiu-jitsu, I got into pro wrestling. That's how I found out about LAWL. One day I see Martino...beating up Marie just like old times...and so I wanted to come back."

[Marie:] "I'm...I'm glad you came back, it's good to see you."

[Iara:] "Well, that feeling's not mutual.. If you were there for me when it counted, I never would have had to leave in the first place. I didn't come back to talk to you, I came back to fiinish the war with Cynthia, something you couldn't do."

[Alicia:] "Marie just faced her fears and DEFEATED Martino..."

[Iara:] "Lemme tell ya something, a hurracarana isn't exactly a victory against a bully that used to push her head in a toilet and flush til Marie passed out."

[Alicia:] "Just getting into the ring with someone like that is a victory! Just surviving in a cage with that animal is a victory! Don't tell us what victory means."

[Iara:] "You doing a lot of talking for someone that has nothing to do with this."

[Marie:] "She's my best friend."

[Iara:] "Oh so you haven't failed her YET, you mean?"

*Alicia gets right in Iara's face*

[Alicia:] "She was there for me when a monster bigger then Cynthia almost broke my spine. You watch your mouth or this is gonna be a short reunion."

[Marie:] "Stop it, both of you! Iara....I'm sorry everything happened the way it did. I've felt bad about it every since that day! When Cynthia came back to LAWL, it brought all the memories back! I wanted to go to school that day but I wasn't allowed! And when I tried to call you and find out how you were the next day, you never even returned my call.."

[Iara:] "We were already gone, kid. But now that I'm back, I'm gonna do to Cynthia what you couldn't do now. And since you used to be a friend, I'll give you a warning, first and final: Stay out of my way."

*Iara turns to leave the cage. Marie goes to try to talk to Iara but Alicia holds her back. And just when it looked like Marie was finally improving, a new wrench has been thrown into her mental machine. Alicia walks her backstage. Meanwhile, Cynthia regained consciousness just long enough to hear the final words between them three. She grins as she shakes her arm out."

B1 - Patricia Jackson vs. Pirate Anne

Patricia Jackson vs. Pirate Anne

Well if you had checked this PRE-MATCH show out at the start rather then relegating it to "dark match" status, you'd actually have some appreciation for that run-in earlier, eh? But you suppose at least this match will make sense, right? You know what side Pirate Anne O'Malley is on, so this should have a very clear story?

Nope. Anne is playing to the crowd just as fellow newcomer PJ is. You rationalize that Anne is just trying to throw the crowd off. In fact, now that you think back on it, she actually was getting SOME cheers when she came out during the Lucy match. So either Anne was trying to fool the fans or generally is quite confused as to her own behavior.

One person who isn't startlingly confused is Patricia Jackson who seems to have a one track mind...and not the one causing you to feel all warm inside. Patricia, or "PJ" (as you imagine she'd like to be called) is dressed like an inoffensive version of SleepyGoose. And she also appears to share Goose's penchant for trying to put others to sleep. You hope that it's not for the same reasons though. (But then again, who could argue with having THAT cute thing in the ring straddle you in your sleep?) However, Anne seems to have other plans besides taking an early nap. And so while PJ shows off her dazzling array of sleepers, Anne shows off her dazzling arrays of flash pin attempts. The two are pretty evenly matched here early on in terms of holds. But the sleepers from PJ definitely appear to be having an effect on Anne as her speed decreases over the course of the match. While Anne is caught in a standing shoulder clutch, she tries one last desperate move to roll into a flash pin, but PJ brilliantly rolls backwards with Anne's momentum, catching her in the "Lullaby Special" (Rolling Olympic Hell). Anne has no choice but to fall right asleep in the middle of the ring!! Post match, PJ actually walks up to Anne, gives her a teddy bear, and covers her with a blanket. That's...one the oddest things you've ever seen in a post-match wrestling situation. But heartwarming at the same time. Awwwe.

Patricia Jackson (O) ["Lullaby Special" - 13:10] (X) Pirate Anne

B3 - Apples & Oranges vs. LAWLunkaLoompas

Apple/Orange vs. LAWLunkaLoompas

Yikes, unlike the previous match, THIS is gonna be one of those occasions where you need to bang your head against the wall a few times to forget what you just saw! But in the meantime, you marvel at how Orange Julia appears to actually...CARE about winning for the first time in oh, maybe two years? Apple Betty was certainly doing a good job in the ring during her segments but she's REALLY shining in motivating Orange Julia! And so the former OMG contender and this month's cover model for "Orange U Glad" magazine is making short work of the out-matched LAWLunkaloompas. At least until they show their experience as former A/S/L Champs and begin double-teaming her with vicious clawing and biting tactics. But when things get too out of control and they start trying to PEEL Julia, Apple Betty slingshots over the top rope breaking the situation up. After an "Apple Bottom" (Rock Bottom, duh), on the non-legal LAWLunkaloompa 1, Orange Julia hits the "Juicer" on LAWLunkaLoompa 2 for a pretty decisive victory for two underestimated members of LAWL's Produce Aisle! Now, let's wash your eyes out with turpentine again! Yea!

Apples & Oranges (O) ["Juicer" - 9:22] (X) LAWLunkaloompas

B4 - "HaLAWLoween Trick or Treat" BONUS FUNANITY"

Let's start with a...

HaLAWLoween COSTUME Show!

You wonder where Las Potatodaras were during that, it seemed natural for them to come out either before or after the bananas. At first you shrug the thought off, but in your heart of hearts, you hope everything is ok with those wacky potatoes.

Ok folks, nothing more to see here! Hope you enjoyed the show!!

LAWL + LLAMMA PRO = LIFE

2008-11-12T03:46:00.000-05:00

Sunday, July 13th, 2008.

Match 1: Cutie Booties vs. Grace Reyes

Match 2: Madness Battle Royale - Bobo the Monkeyboy vs Squinky the Alien vs Jesus "el Savior" Christ vs Crackhead Dave vs Patata Dulce vs. Platano Cascara vs. Kata Mary vs. Pinata Mask

Match 3: LAWL 1337 Title: Lucy Cutlass (c) vs. Pea Shooter

Match 4: LLAMMA Pro Title: Thunder Fist (c) vs Ed the Luchador

Main event: "Lleaping" Llanny Llama/LLAMA Mask vs Bill Z Bubb/Goocifur

And finally, click below for...

Extra-curricular post-main event activities of extreme horror and doom! DOOOOOOOOOOOM!

(Click on link to view video. I didn't embed it cause the video preview spoils it!) Enjoy the show! :)

LAWLiday 2007

2008-11-12T03:45:00.000-05:00

LAWL presents LAWLiday 2007.

Originally held: Saturday, December 22nd, 2007
Released on DVD: Monday, April 28th, 2008

(More like LAWLiDELAY'D, am i rite?)

DVD transmitted in english and spanish
El DVD transmitido en inglés y españlawl

HI! Yeah, you! Welcome to the LAWLiday presentation. We're gonna be doing things a bit differently then usual for this show (besides just posting it 6 months late!). You see, LAWL isn't the "garden variety"...scratch that, we have fruits and vegetables. LAWL isn't the "traditional" promotion so why try to present things in a traditional e-fed show manner? That's insane right!? A guy would have to be utterly ridiculous to do that for two years!! Well, ridiculous yes...unchanging, NO. It recently occurred to me - LAWL shows have always been presented in "DVD" format, right? So why not explore that a bit more. As a result, I don't just present you with LAWLiday 2007 (in mid 2008), I present to you YOUR experience with LAWLiday 2007. Yes! An entire e-fed show...written in the SECOND PERSON! *cue ominous music*. Which means - if you don't enjoy this, it's YOUR fault! No really, if it offends you on some literary level or just plain SUX...just remember, it's LAWL. As an example, i even used the wrong title screen for one of the matches tonight! This is disorder and disarray, this is anarchy, this is fiber at its best...THIS.IS.LAWL. And we present to you the final show of 2007.

(Note: In terms of timeline, this event happens after the November 2007 UBL Open show and before the February 2008 OG-FPD 4 Year Anniversary show. So tune your kayfabe memory meters accordingly.)

It's April 28th, about a week before you can get drunk off your ass and not seem too out of the ordinary for it. But as you walk through your front door after an arduous day of work, you have another morale booster, and it's in that little plastic bag you are holding which displays the name of whatever electronics store you frequent. In that bag...is LIFE itself. Well more like it's something you've been kinda waiting for but haven't been ALL that upset about it's tardiness. It's LAWLiday 2007 and the DVD should have been been released in December but, due to a production delay at the shady Orochi-O's corporation, it has just hit stores today. You were first in line...there was no one ELSE in line. This is ALL you, kid. Or at least it will be after dinner.

...
...
...

Two nights later, you're lying on your couch and you remember the DVD. "CRAZZAP," you shout. "I totally forgot about watching that show the other night! Where the hell have the last two days gone!?" Oh well, luckily no results have been leaked to the internet, right? RIGHT? Ha, you only wish. But luckily, you just happened to avoid seeing spoilers. This show is STILL all new to you, let's watch this now, ok?

You pop in the DVD and are immediately presented with commercials...for Orochi-O's umbrella promotions. Universal Battle League commercials get about 60% of the time with OG-Joshi getting 40%. Finally, the copyright notice appears next to a Goose graphic. This sends the message loud and clear. Don't pirate this shit (unless your name is Lucy Cutlass). You WILL get Goosed. "Fair Use?" you say? How Goose will use YOU won't be fair.

Finally, the DVD menu pops up. Nothing fancy, not even streaming video. You get your language options - English, Spanish, EngLAWLish. The last one trips you up but you quickly realize NOT to pick that. That almost saves you an entire show of "LAWL" inserted into every word with an L. (I said "almost", you don't get off THAT easy, bucko.) You then go to the "Scene Selection" menu, just to see what you get to wade through.

Scene Selection Menu

Scene 1 - Intro/Beginning of show
Scene 2 - Kat Black vs. FIASUKO
Scene 3 - Backstage at the LAWLitorium
Scene 4 - Marie Reyes vs. Cynthia San Martino
Scene 5 - Post Marie/Cynthia match
Scene 6 - A/S/L Titles: LMAO vs. Jacquelyn-Hyde Connection (c)
Scene 7 - 1337 Title: Lucy Cutlass vs. Alicia Gordon (c)
Scene 8 - Post match promos from Lucy and Alicia
Scene 9 - SurvivaLAWL: HomeLAWL Security vs. Holly's Harbingers
Scene 10 - OMG Title: Jenny McLanahan vs. Ruby Moreno (c)
Scene 11 - Finale

Ok, not too bad. All the advertised matches are there, that's a good sign, right? You're feeling curious so you check out the Bonus Features.

Bonus Features Menu

Bonus 1 - Match: Kata Mary vs. Pea Shooter
Bonus 2 - Post-show interview with Ruby Moreno
Bonus 3 - Match: Jill Chambers vs. Canada Meg
Bonus 4 - "Sea Shanty Song Sing-a-Long with Pirate Lucy

1 - Show Introduction

Sweet, you think, it's finally time to get to some action! And who better to start off the night then those "hot to trot" LAWL announcers, Willa Web and Dottie Comms. You make the same joke as usual, but it's gotten old. She spells her name with a "o" not a "u".

[www:] "Wow, Dottie! Look at the crowd we have tonight!

[.com:] "Yeah Willa, we've got a charged atmosphere on our hands!!"

You make another dirty joke about Dottie. When you are finished chuckling, you realize that things seem...amiss. Rather then hearing Willa and Dottie's voices in a somewhat disembodied way, the audio track sounds smoother. Wait...WAIT!

*The camera pans to show two women*

THIS ISN'T A SEPARATE AUDIO TRACK AT ALL!! That's...Willa and Dottie are actually THERE in the LAWLitorum! And they look FINE!!

[.com:] "The crowd seems to enjoy having us here in person for the first time!"

[www:] "And they seem to enjoy your wardrobe honoring it...or lack thereof."

[.com:] "You could say I've "skirted" the dress code here tonight."

"That's ONE thing I could say, you minx," you say out loud. No one hears you. Luckily, no one would care either way.

[www:] "In an attempt to get our shows moving more fluidly then usual, Gloria Reyes has gotten us here to JUST welcome everyone to the show. LAWL figures that the action here speaks for itself, so why not put us to better use?"

[.com:] "I suggested one idea but..."

[www:] "So starting tonight, Dottie and I are official LAWL interviewers!"

[.com:] "And we're gonna be bringing you hot, behind the scenes, banana scooping, potato on potato NEWS!"

[www:] "But before we do any of that, let's um, get to the first match?"

[.com:] "Sounds good but...you seem unsure."

[www:] "Oh Dottie, I just feel a bit of withdrawaLAWL. I'm so used to us setting up the matches, talking about the history between the wrestlers, fun commentary stuff like that. Who will do it now!? WHO WILL FILL IN FOR US!?"

*Dottie point to the screen*

[.com:] "Maybe YOU?"

[www:] "Why are you pointing at the cameraman, Willa?"

[.com:] "I dunno, just throwing it out there."

[www:] "Well, throw it back in and let's go backstage. I think I hear Kat Black's entrance music and unless you want Mr. Figaro commenting on us TOO while he watches this with Clyde, we better go.

(Note to Willa: Too late.)

*Willa and Dottie strut off the stage. You make it a point to rewind/slowmo replay Dottie's exit. "Hate to see her go, but love to watch her leave."

Ok, so you're all pumped for the first match!

2 - Kat Black vs. FIASUKO

Kat and FIASUKO both make their way to the ring. FIASUKO's entrance is, of course, freaking weird as hell and frightens you a bit. Kat, being a ninja, just pretty much appears in the middle of the ring...wait, "stop drinking Mr. Figaro's Kool-Aid," you think! You clearly just saw Kat walk to the ring like a regular non-ninja human being! You start wondering why in the hell this match is happening in the first place besides it being a possible good spot-fest to start off the show.

Oh yeah, something about FIA beating someone at HaLAWLoween to earn the right to face Kat Black. You feel a bit confused - as much as you enjoy Kat's work, she's not technically a LAWL champion. So having it be an objective to face her kinda seems odd. Is LAWL instituting a "Kat Black" title? Eh, you quickly realize you were trying too hard to rationalize LAWL's decision making and instead settle back to watch the match.

Match #1: Kat Black vs. FIASUKO

*POST MATCH SPOILERS - CLICK the "show" BELOW*

Spoiler show: You try to remember Kat winning previous matches with an enziguri but you can't. Maybe FIASUKO got injured doing her flippy stuff, or maybe Kat just lost patience with her and decided to end the match. Either way, FIA looked better to you now having been competitive against such a big fish then then she did after beating the guppies LAWL had been feeding her for her debut. Having made a fish joke, you are satisfied and are ready to move to the next segment.

Kat Black (O) [Enziguri - 15:44] (X) Kat Black

"Wow, nice," you think, LAWL sprung for text overlay at the end of the match! Just look at them pro wrestling notation terms!

3 - Backstage at LAWLitorium

It looks like a vignette is about to occur, so you quietly sit back and watch. There ya go, good DVD consumer!! Good boy!

*The scene opens up in an empty hallway. As the cameraman turns a corner, we see none other then OG-Joshi World Champion Holly observing some of the old LAWL show posters on a bulletin board on the wall. She has a smirk on her face the whole time until a voice interrupts her "tender moment"*

[Voice:] "Something funny, chica?"

*Holly doesn't even turn her head to see who's talking to her*

[Holly:] "No, not really. But for a promotion so dependent on humor, I find myself laughing AT their pathetic displays rather then WITH them -"

*Holly doesn't finish her sentence as she's forcefully pulled, swung around, and then pushed against the bulletin board by Grace Reyes. Grace has her arm against Holly's throat*

[Grace:] "Surprised to see me, bitch?"

[Holly:] "Oh, how quaint. You think I didn't recognize that nasally, scratchy voice from behind?"

*Holly kicks Grace in the knee and then reverses their positions so that Grace is now being forced up against the board. Holly is laughing throughout this whole exchange and has tears in her eyes at this point*

[Holly:] "You got the jump on me and you STILL couldn't do any damage. Oh, you Reyes girls are all the same."

[Grace:] "Don't get too comfortable, we Reyes travel in packs."

*Just then, Cynthia San Martino and Lucky Lupe turn the corner. Holly lets up her grasp and pushes Grace towards them, while dusting herself off in the process*

[Cynthia:] "Oh shit, Grace, you want me to do her right now?"

*Cynthia pulls out a switchblade...Holly's eyes widen a bit*

[Grace:] "Ain't a bad idea, Cyn-Cyn."

[Lupe:] "Skin that turkey, yo, SKIN HER!"

*Having said that rather unconvincingly, Grace and Cynthia frown at Lupe*

[Holly:] "I realize you are into Holidays around here, but Thanksgiving was a month ago. And really, *Holly laughs deviously*, after I make sure that LAWLiday is released like 4 months late to fuck with your two fans... making turkey analogies will seem kinda outdated, don't ya think?"

[Lupe:] "I guess-"

[Holly:] "PLUS! I don't think you'll be skinning anything. Cause while you small fries see me for a turkey, I'm backed up by a big german bratwurst."

*Holly shouts something in german and Juli Krieger comes marching down another hallway. She gets right in between LMAO and Holly. Lupe takes a few steps back, Grace gets ready to fight, and Cynthia actually steps UP to Juli, brandishing her knife. Juli steps closer to Cynthia, as the two of them are locked in a menacing stare. Neither budges. Both Holly and Grace are shocked that their charge hasn't backed the other one down but Holly is more skilled at masking her emotions when needed.*

[Holly:] "Looks like your little jail bird friend is star-struck, huh Grace? But while 'Cyn-Cyn' was 'breaking girls in' in prison, Juli was breaking bodies all over the world in wrestling rings."

[Cynthia:] "Fuck you! I'll show you a broken woman!"

*Cynthia opens her switchblade and cuts Juli on the arm. Grace and Holly both brace for impact but Juli just cocks her head back, laughs, and smears her own blood on her face. Cynthia, to her credit, doesn't budge during this display. But it's clear by the ever paler looks on their faces that Grace and Lupe are starting to get uncomfortable. These looks becomes accentuated after a few unidentified "howls" are heard down the hallway along with other various "fowl" noises...*

[Grace:] "Cyn-Cyn, we can't do this now. Lupe and I, we gots a match tonight! A chance to take the A/S/L Titles back from them outsiders. We can't be wasting our time here!"

*Cynthia doesn't budge, she's still looking up at Juli, waiting for the next move*

[Grace:] "Cynthia! Uh...*Lupe whispers to Grace and her eyes light up* You forgettin about YOUR match tonight? *Cynthia's glances back at Grace* Yeah!, don't even worry about these two, not when you get to throw my sis around like old times! Steal her lunch money again! Right? RIGHT!?"

*Holly mutters something in german to Juli, eliciting a smile from her.*

[Cynthia:] "Yeah, yeah, I know all abouts Marie, I'm gonna have fun with her tonight. But you...*points to Holly* you tell that sausage...

[Holly:] "Bratwurst, hun."

[Cynthia:] "Don't call me hun! You tell that... whatever, that if she's looking for a fight later, I'll be out in the parking lot."

[Holly:] "I'll be sure to make note of that when it's time to pick up my car from the valet booth. We'll tip you later."

*Before Cynthia gets angrier, Lupe cuts in again*

[Lupe:] "Cyn-Cyn, let's split ok? Forget about them! You cut her, you cut that bitch! You the queen of the streets!"

[Cynthia:] "The fuck you saying Luup? Get over here so I can smack the shit out of you! You ain't street!"

*Cynthia, seemingly now more agitated with Lupe then Juli, gives the finger to Holly, and then leaves with Grace and Lupe, smacking her on the back of the head on the way out.*

[Holly:] "Always nice seeing you, Grace! Send your love to your sis, Gloria, who Juli and I are gonna crush tonight! Better yet..."maul". Imagine THAT, an outsider 'mauling' a LAWL wrestler? Oh, what exciting times to live in!"

*Holly waves enthusiastically as Grace sneers at her and leads LMAO away. Juli smashes the bulletin board that Holly was looking at earlier as they both smile and walk away*

You're all tense from watching that past promo! But also a bit aroused, thanks to Holly. Still, more tense and you just KNOW shit will hit the fan later tonight between Holly's group and LAWL wrestlers. But right now, you're about ready to watch some drama internal to LAWL.

4 - Marie vs. Cynthia

This whole story is kinda weird to you. Marie Reyes, one of LAWL's top stars and a former OMG Champion, was allegedly bullied as a kid by Cynthia San Martino? Ok, well it's given LAWL more of a serious edge, but do you really want that? Isn't that what OG-Joshi is for? Come to think of it, isn't LAWL just supposed to be about fruits and vegetables forming unholy unions of 2 and 1/2 star wrestling goodness? Eh, whatever. You're thinking too hard again.

All you know is that every time Marie has been in the same area as Cynthia, Marie freaks out and has some kinda panic attack. Not the kind that you get when that hot co-worker "accidentally" brushes up against you in the elevator either. But a full out "rocking in the corner in fetal position while sucking her thumb" panic attack and it's been awkward to even watch these segments. After all, Marie is a good girl! Reasonably hot and definitely someone you could root for based on her usual cheerful and respectful attitude.

So you are kinda hoping Marie can just soundly beat Cynthia and progress from this. But you are a bit worried for her since Cynthia doesn't look like she's faking a tough girl act. Those prison tats are REAL...as far as you know, at least. And you could have SWORN you saw tats like that on one of those "Scared Straight" specials from the 80's on late night tv. However, you know Marie has been training with Alicia Gordon to help overcome her fears, but will it be enough to "no-sell" (you giggle to yourself for using a smark term) emotional scars from Cynthia? You're about to find out!!

Cynthia comes to the ring first, and she is showing no signs of any tense encounter with Juli earlier. She's gotta be the only one that has been completely comfortable around her, and that gives you the heebie-jeebies. She gets into the ring and then Marie comes out to a huge ovation. But despite the support, she's looking a bit tentative, while Cynthia leans up against the corner: relaxing and smiling, soaking in Marie's anxiety, SAVORING it. She's a sick bitch, you think. But one that might just be able to best Marie Reyes in a match just based on Marie's fear, even though Cynthia is not the superior wrestler. You're pulling for Marie...second time today... and now it's time for the match!

Match #2: Marie Reyes vs. Cynthia San Martino

*POST MATCH SPOILERS - CLICK the "show" BELOW*

Spoiler show: "Consarnit", you say out loud, throwing your cheddar popcorn at the screen! Cynthia spooked her again. You really thought Marie was getting a bit of an edge but Cynthia just continued to shout at her and bully her around the ring. And that "Schoolyard Stretch" brings out the kind of terror in Marie that you haven't seen ever since your old bully threatened to steal your POGS. You empathize with Marie, and then pause the DVD to run upstairs to burrow through your closet and HUG your pog box. "Good times", you say out loud, "good times indeed."

Marie Reyes (X) ["Schoolyard Stretch" - 15:27] (X) Cynthia San Martino

You come back down and remember that it's not such good times for Marie. If her sitting in the ring bawling her eyes out wasn't bad enough, it appears that Cynthia's "fun" isn't over with.

5 - Post Marie/Cynthia

And Cynthia is really tearing into Marie here, verbally and physically. She's calling her a "runt" and pulling her hair. Marie isn't even fighting back, and it's tearing at your heartstrings just a bit. Cynthia is cackling and has taken out her switch-blade again!! She shouts something about: "You shoulda run like your lil ole friend" as she gets closer to Marie who had been backing up against the turnbuckle looking at Cynthia's brandished knife. You can't bare to watch when...

*WHAM! Marie hits Cynthia with a low blow!*

Cynthia's eyes roll back in her head for a moment and she falls on her ass. Marie is still too hurt to get up and do much damage on her feet, but she rolls over and mounts Cynthia! Marie is hyserically crying but is WAILING on Cynthia with punches and elbows! Cynthia is defenseless and actually looks a bit shocked as Marie is letting out all her anger and frustration on her through an all out ASSAULT!! And the fans are applauding her efforts!!

But this brings down Grace and Lupe to help out Cynthia. Grace holds Marie down while Lupe tries to help Cynthia to her feet. But just as she does so, the A/S/L Tag Team Champions, the Jacquelyn-Hyde Connection, run down to the ring to even the odds! They chase Grace away from Marie and the ring is now divided between members of ROFL and LMAO. (You chuckle briefly, remembering their team names.) And then, not content with the odds being evened, 1337 Champion Alicia Gordon runs down to the ring in support of her ROFL stable mates and best friend Marie. This sends LMAO out of the ring, under Grace's direction, as she realizes this no longer looks good.

The crowd is going wild as Alicia is checking on Marie and patting her on the back. Marie looks a bit more fierce as well, having worked up the courage to defend herself through somewhat unorthodox means for her. Alicia grabs a microphone.

[Alicia:] "Don't worry about the match Marie - what you needed to do tonight, you just did. You stood up for yourself. And now, I think you're ready to do what we talked about."

*Alicia hands Marie the microphone. Marie's face steels up and she points to Gloria*

[Marie:] "It's time the past catches up to YOU, Cynthia. At the next LAWL show, I challenge you to a CAGE match!"

*Everyone (including you) is shocked!! Grace, after taking a second, grabs her own mic.

[Grace: "There ain't NEVER been a cage match in LAWL history, Marie. And you, YOU want to be the one who makes a challenge for it? Against CYNTHIA? Are you f'n nuts!? Just what kinda kool-aid is Gordon feeding you NOW?"

[Alicia:] "The kind that caused THAT."

*Alicia points to Cynthia who is still a bit wobbly from that crotch shot and beating from before*

[Cynthia:] "F*ck you both! You want me in a cage, Marie? You just signed your f'n death warrant. I accept. I just hope you bring what you just brought a few minutes ago, so I can have some fun crushing your hopes and dreams again!"

[Alicia:] "How about you come into the ring and say that to her face? Or you too worried that we'll kick your fat head clean off your f'n shoulders and then give it to HomeLAWL Security to play soccer with?"

*Everyone kinda tenses a bit, even Marie, at Alicia's words. But Cynthia is the first to smile and then mouths to Marie, "you're f'n done."

[Marie:] "Yeah, I think that period of my life is finally over, 'Cyn-Cyn' I'll see you in the cage."

*Gloria Reyes comes out a few moments later with a mic*

[Gloria:] "No, I don't think you will. That's barbaric and LAWL won't be having any part of that. You are being foolish and irresponsible with your health and career by wanting to get into a cage with Martino."

[Marie:] "Are you kidding? YOU are telling me about being irresponsible despite the fact that you wrestling tonight on the opposite side of the ring from the Gooses and Juli Krieger? And yet you haven't wrestled for three years and THIS is your return match? Don't lecture me, Gloria, not when you are putting your health on the line to prove a point as well."

[Gloria:] "Be that as it may, I will not sit back and watch my sister throw herself to the wolves under irresponsible advice. *Briefly glances at Alicia* So if you want your cage match, FINE, but it's not being sanctioned by LAWL. Now, as for everyone else, since we now have four of the wrestlers from the next match out here, let's continue the show. Everyone but Grace, Lupe, Lyn, and Angelica better leave the ringside area or else you'll ALL be suspended. Now get! Get!"

*Gloria shoos everyone away except Alicia and Marie who she has words with on the way backstage*

6 - A/S/L Title Match

And these four women waste no time given what just transpired! Before you even have a chance to think about the whole LMAO vs. Outsiders/ROFL rivalry, the match begins! And the action early on is so compelling that you don't even want to pause it to remember the background! It's LMAO - "Let's Maul All Outsider" fighting two outsiders! What more is there to say!

Match #3: A/S/L Titles: LMAO vs. Jacquelyn-Hyde Connection (c)

Grace Reyes/Lucky Lupe vs. Angelica Hyde/Jacquelyn Archer

*POST MATCH SPOILERS - CLICK the "show" BELOW*

Spoiler show: What an incredible victory for the Jacquelyn-Hyde Connection! You once again see why they are the rightful A/S/L Tag Champions!! Their teamwork was incredible and they were able to fight off Grace's dirty tricks while keeping up with Lupe's lucha skills. Grace looks none too happy but you can kinda sense something in Lupe's face...a positive emotion as she looks at Jacquelyn Archer. Is it pride? It's hard to tell, but Grace doesn't like it one bit and drags Lupe away after it's clear that no post-match attacks are going to be possible. Jacquelyn and Angelica celebrate as you give them an ovation in addition to the crowd's.

Lupe/Grace (X) [Reverse Gory Special Bomb - 21:25] (O) Archer/Hyde

7 - 1337 Title Match

And next up you get to watch the 1337 Champion, Alicia Gordon, taking on the Pirate Captain Lucy Cutlass. You wonder just how good Alicia is feeling tonight. Although she seemed very energetic and fine before when she ran out to back up her friends, we are only a few weeks removed from the UBL November Open show where she got pretty much crushed by OrochiGeese in a mixed tag match. OG hit her with an avalanche tombstone piledriver and then a bridging german suplex right after. She had to be helped to the back and she can NOT be in perfect condition no matter what she says.

However, you got to witness her pretty lackadaisically knock out Lucy with the "Axilicious" to win the main event tag match at HaLAWLoween. So even if Alicia isn't 100%, you have confidence that she can still beat Lucy. Lucy, while certainly impressing you more in the ring then you expected, based on her absurdity, isn't anywhere near Alicia's level, And with Alicia so angry and passionate these days, you actually feel a bit scared for Lucy. But the expression on Lucy's face as she makes her way down to the ring (via zipline as usual) isn't one of fear, but a bit of a smirk. Let's see what she has up her sleeve (hint it's totally NOT what the google video preview is spoiling...) for this match!

Match #4: 1337 Title: "Captain" Lucy Cutlass vs. Alicia Gordon (c)

*POST MATCH SPOILERS - CLICK the "show" BELOW*

Spoiler show: You gasp as somehow Lucy Cutlass is the new LAWL 1337 Champion!! It took two unidentified men (including a HUGE mountain of one) various cheating by Lucy, and Alicia being less then 100%. But if that's what it took, Lucy found a way to capitalize on it! And after a very strong reign, Alicia has finally been defeated and her belt "stolen" by yer new 1337 Champion, Cap'n Lucy Cutlass!

Alicia Gordon (X) ["Rough Waters" - 18:04] (O) Lucy Cutlass

8 - Alicia/Lucy post match promos

(Make sure you watch the previous match before you read this, eh!)

*Alicia bails out of the ring to catch her breath as the unidentified men get into the ring with Lucy and hoist her on their shoulders as she holds the belt high in the air. She orders them to put her down and gets the smaller man to bring her a microphone. Alicia is still trying to make sense out of all of this.*

[Lucy:] "Arrrr! Ye scurvy seahag, you never thought I'd beat ya, but I did! I am the new 1337 Champion!"

[Lucy:] "But I didn't go it alone, ne'er am I ashamed to say it! The Captain of a ship relies on her crew to plunder her enemies! And no pirate on the high seas has a finer crew then me! First!"

*She points to the smaller man*

[Lucy:] "The 'Dirty Dog' Jack Flint! He be the 'Bilge Rat' of my ship!'

*She then points to the larger man*

[Lucy:] "The 'Barge' Henry Bailey! He be the cook!"

[Lucy:] "And just as I am the new 1337 Champion, they also want gold!! So they be headin to a place that allows men to compete - McPro!"

You nod your head thinking, "Hey! I follow McPro! Now they have pirates!! Huzzah!". Then you get the feeling that these pirate dudes are gonna get some other male competition. Just as Alicia Gordon was getting fed up with Lucy's speech and was about to rush the ring, Thunder Strike and Jang Bae of the UBL rushed out to the ring to stop her. Thunder grabs a microphone.

[Thunder:] "Not now, it's not worth it. You'll get your belt back but you are already hurt and exhausted. You need to save your strength to face Holly at the OG-FPD PPV."

[Alicia:] "But we can take these idiots! Look at them!"

[Jang:] "Thunder is right, it's just not worth it now. You have your big match with Holly and Thunder has his match with Geese. Risking even the slightest injury would be foolish based on all you two have worked for these last few months. You take care of what you have to and then you can re-focus your attention on getting your 1337 Belt back afterwards."

*Alicia looks frustrated and almost ignores them to turn back to the ring, but Thunder gives her one more nod of disapproval and she relents and finally shakes her head in understanding with what they are saying. However, she does turn to the ring once more.*

[Alicia:] "Enjoy your short reign. Cause when we're done with Orochi Army, we're coming to capsize your whole crew."

*Alicia, Thunder, and Jang leave as Henry Bailey whispers to Lucy and she nods back.*

[Lucy:] "Aye, that WOULD be a good name for your finishing move, Henry - the "Capsizer". Thanks be to Gordon for suggesting it!"

*Lucy and her pirates go backstage* without further incident

9 - SurvivaLAWL Match

Now it's time for the semi-main event of the evening. You recall with startling precision (considering how long ago it was) the events of HaLAWLoween 2007 when this challenge was made. After HomeLAWL Security defeated Goocifer and Sleepy Goose, all heck broke loose! LOOSE HECK IS NOT SOMETHING TO LAUGH AT! This resulted in tonight's match and, perhaps even more importantly, the stipulations.

If Holly's team wins, then they get a shot at any LAWL title that they choose.
If Gloria's team wins, then Holly and her team can never again appear on a LAWL show.

As Marie noted before, this is the surprising return to the ring for Gloria Reyes: a former OMG Champion and LAWL legend that everyone (including herself) thought retired for good. But Holly's disrespectful escapades in LAWL changed all that. Gloria is backed up by HomeLAWL Security and the LAWL Spirit of winter. Holly is backed up by Goocifer, SleepyGoose, and one the most destructive woman in pro wrestling today, Juli Krieger. This is a survivaLAWL/eLAWLimination match. And there's a whole lot on the line during a night that is tense as it is. You ask yourself if you're ready for this...

And you're not. You need a small break. So you go to the kitchen and get a snack and then come back. Wise choice. Ready now? No, you need to check your email? Come on already...no, don't download that attachment, you'll get a vir#@__E@)_@)_#@__hotpotatoaction)()@(#@j-2-2-32-

A week and a new computer later, you're ready to FINALLY watch this match. Bet you wish you just did that a week ago when I asked, huh? No matter. You still somehow managed not to be spoiled online!! Let's get to the match!

Match #5 -HomeLAWL vs. Holly's Harbingers (c)

(I added the wrong intro screen to the match so ignore the Ruby/Jenny start!)

Marie Reyes/Pinata Mask/LLAMA Mask/Abominable Snowwoman vs. Juli Krieger/Sleepy Goose/Goocifer/Holly

*POST MATCH SPOILERS - CLICK the "show" BELOW*

Spoiler show: And Holly's Harbingers have won this match, to the utter shock and appallment (word? Now it is!) of the fans!! Even you are surprised that this has gone down on LAWL sacred ground. But Juli Krieger was too much of a force to be reckoned with by the LAWL team. We haven't seen this much destruction out of Juli for a while and it's clear that she is back on the warpath! The LAWL team worked hard here and got a measure of success, even eliminating Holly! But in the end, the fury of the Gooses and Krieger were just too much.

Snow Woman (O) ["Snow Mittens"- 28:37] (X) Goocifer
Snow Woman (X) ["H-Lock 69"- 32:22] (O) Holly
Marie Reyes (X) ["H-Lock 69"- 34:02] (O) Holly
LLAMA Mask (O) ["LLAMA-Back Clutch" - 41:24] (X) Holly
LLAMA Mask (X) [Powerbomb hold - 42:28] (O) Juli Krieger
Pinata Mask (X) ["Todestropfen" - 41:24] (O) Juli Krieger

Winners: Holly's Harbingers
SoLAWLe Survivors: Juli Krieger, SleepyGoose

Gloria Reyes is being helped to the back. That huge apron powerbomb that Juli Krieger gave her definitely took its toll. The way Juli followed Gloria, despite her not being the legal woman in the match at that point, definitely leads you to believe that Holly orchestrated that intentionally. You gotta give Gloria credit for courage here, and you do, but her sisters definitely had a point that this was a dangerous outing for her. You hope she isn't injured, well, if you have a HEART you do. Do you have a heart?!

10 - OMG Title Match

You've been waiting for this match for a long time. This has been brewing for over a year ever since Ruby defeated Jo Ryder in what most people, including you, believe to be the best LAWL match ever since LAWL went national back in 2006. Gloria named Jenny McLanahan as Ruby's next challenger and it was not an empty threat to Ruby. As Jenny has gone on to win multiple singles and tag team matches here in LAWL, including one against the previous #1 contender Marie Reyes. Jenny is ready and so passionately wants to hold a top singles title again. She fell a bit short in trying to beat Holly last year for the OG-Joshi World Championship match at the OG-Joshi Limit.Break PPV but you have seen Jenny make the adjustments in her game that she has needed to. And with her title match tonight and the upcoming Tag Championship match at the OG-FPD PPV, Jenny is poised to rise to the top of the wrestling world. The question is, can she begin that ascent tonight against a woman that many believe is actually better then Holly, one Ruby Moreno?

Ruby has carried LAWL on her shoulders these past few years ever since beating Marie for the OMG Title in 2006. She has beaten top competition including the previously mentioned Jo Ryder, and she has not ducked any challenge. Ruby may be the most technically sound women's wrestler in the world right now and she also has shown the heart and determination that it takes to stay in matches when things get rough. Jenny had trouble putting away Holly at Limit Break, can she put away Ruby? And can Ruby adjust to Jenny who is unique in LAWL as not just being quick, but being very technically sound and a proficient striker?

All these questions flood your head and cause you to pass out. When you wake up, you realize it's a few hours later and you totally hit your head on the end table. Damn, THAT's gonna be embarrassing to explain at work tomorrow! But you're resourceful, and you're READY for the LAWL OMG Championship main event!

Match #6 - OMG Title: Jenny McLanahan vs. Ruby Moreno (c)

*POST MATCH SPOILERS - CLICK the "show" BELOW*

Spoiler show: And we have a new LAWL OMG Champion!! Jenny McLanahan has DONE IT! She has unseated the cream of the (vegetable) crop in LAWL - Ruby Moreno!! You are in awe that these women just went 30 minutes in an absolute war! But it was Jenny's striking that really made the difference here, as she caught a totally unprepared Ruby with an enziguri, knocking her down. And then Jenny scored with a thunderous german suplex right in the middle of the ring! The force of the suplex and the entire match of ARM WORK (you remember to wear your "ARM WORK!" shirt to work tomorrow) made it impossible for Ruby to lift her shoulders off the mat!! Jenny is now at the top of the LAWL pecking order!! And tonight she is on top of the very world!! "Jenny McLanahan," you say, "I want to go 30 minutes with you!" No wait, that's objectifying (and unlikely to ever happen). So you then add, "And I salute you for being my new OMG Champion!"

Jenny McLanahan (O) [German Suplex - 30:43] (X) Ruby Moreno

11 - Finale

As the dust settles - literally (the LAWLatorium needs better maintenance), both women look at each other from across the ring, having taken a five minute rest to catch their breath. The referee comes into the ring as well with the LAWL OMG Championship belt. But before he has a chance to give it to Jenny, Ruby SNATCHES it from his hand. The crowd boos but Ruby ignores them. She takes a long hungry look at the belt, and then hands it to Jenny McLanahan. The crowd now erupts in applause as Ruby says something rather intense to Jenny that's hard to hear due to the crowd noise and lack of microphone. Jenny nods and Ruby goes to leave the ring, but Jenny pulls her back and offers her hand. Ruby stares at it, then back at the belt, then at the LAWL logo in the ring. Finally, she accepts Jenny's handshake and then walks to the floor. As this is happening, "Kick 'em when he's down" plays and OG-Joshi World Champion Holly comes to ringside with a microphone. She is clapping and pointing to Jenny.

[Holly:] "THERE! I TOLD you, Jenny!! You just had to get out of the big leagues of OG-Joshi!! There's no way you're ever beating me. But if you just went to enough podunk, backwater promotions, you were guaranteed to eventually win their championship!!"

[Holly:] "Now, I can insult you all night, and it would be FUN, but I have guys to do and places to see. So let's just cut to the chase. Actually, WAIT...is Gloria Reyes still conscious? Was she sent to the hospital thanks to Juli? Or can she come out and play too? I want her to hear this and make it official."

*Marie Reyes comes out instead with a microphone*

[Marie:] "She's resting in back, she said I could deliver her message."

[Holly:] "Do you have the schooling for that? I'm proud of you, Marie!! Remember to a-nun-ci-ate every word that Gloria wrote on your hand for you."

[Marie:] "Keep insulting me, good idea. That won't bring out Alicia or anything."

[Holly:] "Well played, have Alicia come out and get her ass kicked by me NOW so that she won't get humiliated at the OG-FPD PPV. You're a true friend, Marie-"

*Gloria comes out, limping. She takes Marie's mic*

[Gloria:] "Sorry Marie, I can't sit back there and listen to this anymore. Holly, we all know why you're out here."

[Holly:] "Yes, yes. And since this arena's odor is becoming overwhelming, let's just do this now. My team won tonight and I want an 'o' 'm' 'g' Title shot against your new chumpion, Jenny McLoserhan."

[Gloria:] "You'll have to wait-"

[Holly:] "Oh no! I want it RIGHT.F'n.NOW! The contract never said WHEN the title shot would happen!! I had my Orochi-O's lawyers make sure that the date was intentionally vague, that's what they are paid for after all. And I knew you'd be too stupid to see through my plan. So I want my shot NOW."

[Gloria:] "You can't be serious...Jenny just wrestled a 30 minute match-"

[Holly:] "CAN IT! I don't f'n care if Jenny just got gang-banged by LLAMA Mask and Goocifer...though Jenny would probably like it, but I want my title shot NOW, do you under-"

*SMASH*

*Holly goes down (not like usual either). The camera pans back and Ruby Moreno was the one holding the chair that did it. For good measure, she then smashes Holly's arm with the chair too. Ruby then walks off the stage into the back with her head held high and with an offended look on her face. Gloria stares startlingly at Ruby, as does Marie. Holly is wincing on the ground in pain, clutching her head and shoulder.*

[Gloria:] "Was THAT shot sufficient? You did say a chair shot, right?"

[Marie:] "Uh still want that title match now?"

[Holly:] "F*CK YOU! F*CK ALL OF YOU!!"

[Gloria:] "Well you said that you wanted it so I'm inclined to let Jenny GIVE IT to you."

[Holly:] "No f'n way!! Not after what that chair-wielding psycho just did! Who does she think she is?"

[Gloria:] "Oh, haven't you met Ruby "Quartz" Moreno? Not exactly someone I like to spend time with, as she's a bit arrogant, self-serving, bitchy, etc. But even though she acts purely out of her own self-interest, occasionally she does something that ends up being truly GREAT for LAWL"

[Holly:] "My f'n arm!"

[Gloria:] "You seem hurt, dear? Everything ok? Well I'll tell you what. You got hurt on my watch, so I want to make you feel better. Since you ordered the match now, and this was apparently your call, I'm gonna give you the match now."

[Holly:] "Don't you DARE mock me! I'll have this whole promotion shut down! Geese will do it! He'll sue your pants off!!"

[Gloria:] "Oh wait, so you DON'T want the match anymore? Is that just cause Jenny is a superior wrestler? Or cause she is in better shape then you right now and she'll go after that arm and make you tap out in seconds?"

[Holly:] "You WILL pay for this!"

[Gloria:] "I have a better idea...let's negotiate."

[Holly:] "Uh...*obviously surprised* Ok, ok!!"

[Gloria:] "Here are my terms. Your OMG Title match with Jenny will not happen tonight...."

[Holly:] "Phew..."

[Gloria:] "But it ALSO won't happen on the next LAWL show."

[Holly:] "The f*ck!?"

[Gloria:] "I want there to be one tune up match at our next show...and I want it under tag team conditions. Because, the truth is, I'm not done with you yet, girl. So if Jenny will accept me, I'd like to be her tag team partner and take on you and Juli Krieger."

[Marie & Holly simultaneously:] "ARE YOU NUTS!?"

[Gloria:] "Those are my terms, Holly. Do you accept?"

[Holly:] "So Juli and I get to maim you and THEN I get to beat Jenny and win your title? YES! Of course I accept! I look forward to it!"

[Gloria:] "Then let's shake on it."

*Gloria shakes Holly's bad arm, causing her to grimace and Gloria to smile. Holly pulls away*

[Holly:] "Very cute, Reyes. But the last laugh WILL be mine, as it always is. I'll get to retire you and win the crown turd jewel in this sh*tstain promotion in one swoop. Then I'll toss the title in the garbage faster then you can say -"

*Apparently Ruby Moreno was still backstage as she then stepped out of the curtain and smashed Holly with the chair AGAIN!*

[Ruby:] "You're even dumber then I thought, Walker. But let's hope that this has finally conditioned you to watch your mouth."

*Ruby leaves again as Marie and Gloria are even more shocked then before. Holly is finally bright enough to get the hell out of there. And Jenny is just enjoying her time in the ring soaking in the cheers of the fans as the NEW OMG Champion.*

Yes, you think, it looks like this show has come to a close. And you are definitely at least 20 IQ points dumber for having watched it. Congratul- no wait, too big a word for you now! Good work! Now, you think to yourself whether or not you want to watch the DVD extras! At least one stands out...since you are still confused as to why Ruby Moreno just did what she did! Maybe the next interview will clear it up!

DVD Bonus Features/Extras

The two matches included in this section were originally just dark matches that took place immediately prior to LAWLiday. But to attempt to make up for the long delay for this DVD, Gloria has placed those matches on here for you to (hopefully) enjoy.

B1 - Kata Mary vs. Pea Shooter

Kata Mary vs. Pea Shooter

*POST MATCH SPOILERS - CLICK the "show" BELOW*

Spoiler show: Kata Mary (X) ["Pod Claw" - 12:52] (O) Pea Shooter

B2 - Ruby Moreno interview

*Ruby Moreno is in her locker room about an hour after the show officially ended. There's a knock on the door, Ruby invites the person in, and it turns out to be Gloria Reyes.*

[Gloria:] "I would have sent an interviewer, but I wanted to hear this for myself. Why did you-"

[Ruby:] "You know why."

[Gloria:] "But I want to hear it from you, I want to be SURE it's for the same reason as I thought. And not just-"

[Ruby:] "Not just cause Holly isn't worthy of stepping into a LAWL ring? Cause she's not worthy of being called the best in women wrestling? That her whole career is a sham? Just a product of nepotism cause of Geese? And that I have more talent in my little finger then Holly has shown in her whole career?"

[Gloria:] "Well yeah-"

[Ruby:] "That the ONLY reason Holly beat Jo Ryder was cause Jo felt sorry for her? That when it came down to Jo and I, two actual WARRIORS in that ring, two wrestlers that had no prior history and were able to be 100% competitive in our match...it was I who won that match. I beat Jo at her BEST and on my own. But Holly had the deck stacked against Jo due to their past history: she beat Jo with Jo's own help. Not to mention the matches that Jo actually beat Holly..."

[Gloria:] "Indeed, this whole thing is kinda what I wanted to clear up."

[Ruby:] "But everything I just said has nothing to do with WHY I smashed Holly with a chair tonight. But it did have a lot to do with why I ENJOYED doing it. However, I took Holly out of that match she wanted for one reason."

*Ruby pauses for a second, savoring the moment*

[Gloria:] "And that...that is?"

[Ruby:] "I just wrestled my ASS off for thirty minutes to try to retain that title. And Jenny put in that same effort...and yeah, she won it..."

*Ruby frowns for a second but the resolve is still on her face*

[Ruby:] "There was no way in HELL that Holly was going to waltz in there and steal a championship that I made meaningful these last two years and even more meaningful TONIGHT. You said it after I beat Jo last year...I have raised the level of the OMG Title and LAWL itself. And I'll admit it, so have my competitors. The OMG Title means something because of OUR efforts, and I wasn't gonna stand back and watch Holly infect it with her filth."

[Gloria:] "So..this wasn't JUST about you?"

[Ruby:] "Don't make the mistake in assuming that you and your sisters are the ONLY ones that give a damn about this promotion. Cause I've put in more work in that ring, into making that Title what it is, then anyone else here EVER has. And if people like Holly don't respect that, then I'll beat some respect into them. If Holly's ever gonna win that OMG title, she'll have to do it in the ring and prove herself. Not the way she TRIED to do at the end of my match. And I've got news for her, she isn't beating the Jenny I just faced in that ring tonight."

[Gloria:] "Wow, you are full of surprises, Ruby, you know that?" *Gloria smiles*

[Ruby:] "Good, I'm glad you're enjoying this, cause I'm not done yet. I don't appreciate you taking me out of the OMG title picture for the next two shows."

*Gloria's smile fades*

[Gloria:] "But...you DO know what I have to deal with here, with Holly, that is."

[Ruby:] "I was OMG Champion for TWO YEARS, Reyes. If I do not get an OMG rematch by the end of 2008, you will not be happy with the consequences. Now, leave me, I've said all I want to and I need to get to the gym tonight before it closes."

*As Gloria is walking out, she stops for a second by the door.*

[Gloria:] "If it's worth anything to you, I thought you made a damn fine champion."

[Ruby:] "It is worth something..but it would have meant much more if you would have given me a second chance to win it from YOU, rather then running away and retiring when I got so close that first time."

[Gloria:] "You said to Holly earlier that she had a lot to learn, I think YOU need to learn to let some things go."

[Ruby:] "A woman's pride is her greatest asset and strongest weapon, Reyes. You'll do well to remember that one day."

*Gloria nods her head and then leaves the room. Ruby stares at the door as the camera fades out*

B3 - Jill Chambers vs. Canada Meg

Jill Chambers vs.Canada Meg

*POST MATCH SPOILERS - CLICK the "show" BELOW*

Spoiler show: Jill Chambers (X) [Rolling Prawn Hold - 16:28] (O) Canada Meg

B4 - "Sea Shanty Song Sing-a-Long with Pirate Lucy & her Crew"

Yeah uh...you should probably step away from the show now and attend to something else. Yep, I'm breaking the whole "2nd person" thing cause you seriously need to move on to a new activity. There ain't gonna be no sea song...

*Gets hit with buckler from behind*

Lucy: "What do you call a champion sailor,
what do you call a champion sailor,
All I know is Alicia's a failure,
and brought shame to the Gordons!"

HARSH.

Henry Bailey: "Row, row, row ye boat,
but not around me ship,
Or we shoot a cannon ball,
and watch ye crew do a flip!"

Hey now, that's not funny! Those are REAL people with REAL feelings!

Jack Flint: "Arr, there be no more singing, you hear? Now off with ye!"

Ok folks, nothing more to see here! Hope you enjoyed the show!!

Hallo!

2008-11-12T03:33:00.003-05:00

It's time for our own LAWL blog, no more potato-backing off of OG-Joshi! All of our fan art, general info, and shows will be posted here! Oh and disregard the "Orochi Geese" name, he just pays the bills! But he doesn't own LAWL's soul!

- Gloria Reyes